Extremely badly behaved nephew.

[Virgor]

Sorry this is a bit long.

For a number of years I have been concerned about my SILs parenting of her only son. I have never mentioned the matter to her and have instead tried to be supportive. I am not a perfect parent either.

He is now 10 years old and his behaviour is becoming worrying. He screams at his mother, hits his uncles, punches walls, makes spiteful comments and lies incessantly. Last time we were at my MILs he threw two tantrums that were so severe my DS1 his under the kitchen table.
He has also had to move schools due to his behaviour, made racist comments (that horrified my SIL) and struggles to connect with other children. Whilst not his behaviour he is also very overweight to such a point that his mum has to order his clothes online.

To be fair he has moderate level ADHD and a difficult home life, he has recently been abandoned by his father. I do understand that this makes the situation more complicated but he is never disciplined or even corrected. He also plays hours of video games including 18 games such as Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto. His TV viewing is just as bad with shows like Stranger Things and Rick and Morty.

I don't want to cause problems but his behaviour is escalating. I am worried about him. His behaviour is also upsetting my DC.

I don't know what to do.

Call social services, he is not being parented well. Is this your brother's son or BIL's son ?

Unless you’ve parented a child with ADHD you have no idea how difficult it is.

Agreed but having a child with ADHD doesn't force you to buy 18 rated games for them. You still pick your battles.

Can i just say not all adhd type behaviour is FAS!
Both my dc are very adhd/impulsive etc and i did not have a drop of alcohol with either nor when ttc.
I also have adhd traits and my mum doesnt drink at all.
However smoking has been linked to adhd and she did smoke in pg and heavily whilst i grew up.
I have never smoked myself though.
The link to smoking could be the increased eczema/allergies/asthma which affect sleep etc.

I dont think sil should be letting him watch/play those games. 10 is too young. Also he should be having these things removed when voilent.
Realistically even with adhd he needs to learn to control himself as a pp said as if he hurts someone it will be prison adhd or not.

My kid is pretty naughty so i avoid books like that as she will copy it. A voilent child shouldnt watch voilence even if other 10yo are ok with it.

schoolcats The cert. 18 game may not have been bought by the mum. Once introduced can be damn near impossible to back track for a child who is not NT.

It's far easier to not introduce things in the first place but other adults can thwart this.

She can still say no, he can't have it. Parenting a child with adhd doesn't mean giving into everything they want.

She may not have been given that option. I've lost count of the things I've had to work hard over weeks, months, years to back track from after something was introduced to my son that he then couldn't function without things being the exact same way again.

I had some experience already but not everyone does and it can be very difficult to untangle.

I would not allow my children be around him. Your SIL and DN clearly need some kind of help but your first priority is protection of your own children. If they are hiding under tables then they must be terrified of him. And as others have pointed out, he hasn’t reached puberty yet! Once hormones kick in he could potentially be very violent and dangerous. And this is coming from someone who grew up in a house with an extremely violent alcoholic father! The affect it’s had on my siblings and I is incalculable! C-PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. Don’t let this happen to your children. Protect them now.

Awkward1 At no point did I state that all ADHD type behaviour is FASD. I stated that ADHD is often a comorbidity with FASD or could be a misdiagnosis.

this is really serious, and at age 10, in England and wales, he has already reached the age of criminal responsibility.
why does she let him watch those films. is she scared of him.
agree, keep your children away. ring NSPCC anon for advice.
good luck.

have any of you atually gone to her and offered a shoulder,a support a caring ear.or have you all too sat in silenece and 'done nothing' to help her and be there for her.but have all made it quite clear you see his behviour and dont like it/him.
i would go to her.i would ask her if there is anything she needs.you understanding how hard this must be on her so what can you(someone who loves ) her do to step up.

@LifeintheFASDlane:

The child in question does not have the symptoms of FASD. He has one symptom of FASD - his behavioural issues. Otherwise, the description of him does not suggest FASD at all.

There is a key feature here, which is that two parents were (presumably) managing his behaviour and now there is only one. You say 'abandoned', so presumably the dad is no longer in the picture? I have a DD with behaviour issues and DH and I struggle to manage her without the other one there.

Christmas/other people's houses can be a real struggle for DC who need routine and their own things. She hasn't necessarily been the one giving him 18 cert games or over feeding him, either.

Try to be understanding and avoid blaming the parent who has stuck around. I'm sorry but your SIL knows there is a problem. She probably doesn't know what (more) to do.

justcly FASD was merely a suggestion as the OP mentioned:

Violent outbursts
Severe tantrums/meltdowns
Lying
Struggles to connect with other children
Excessive game playing

This reads to me that the child has difficulties with emotional regulation, self regulation, impulse control, and social skills - all common traits of FASD.

Granted, these may be common traits in other spectrum conditions but add in the excessive lying as well and this is what made me question the possibility of FASD.

Carry on supporting but not condemning. If his behaviour is as bad as you describe I would be surprised if school had not already made a social services referral. Read up for yourself about ADHD (or ASC) and see if that increases your understanding of why your nephew is behaving in this way (often down to anxiety) and for strategies that you and his parents could use to try and help your nephew. Too often family and friends walk away from situations like this when the family could really do with more and not less support.

So much excusing the total lack of parenting here. Kids with additional needs require more parenting. They deserve more than just being left to stuff their faces and live through screens. You don't need "help" from outside agencies to know that isn't a healthy way to live.
OP you can't force any changes, I would focus on keeping your child away from the behaviour if it is really upsetting him. Not fair at all.

Tombli You know nothing about this mother or her ability to parent yet have decided she is doing a bad job.

Yes, parenting a child with additional needs is challenging and requires a lot more of everything at times. However, it also has the ability to make you look like you are standing still when you are in fact moving three times as fast.

That's assuming that all parents of children with additional needs magically know how to address very complex situations, without training or support. Something schools will wash their hands of or say 'we haven't had training' yet expect parents to just deal with.

soapboxqueen thank you for explaining that so well.

If parenting a child with complex needs was so easy we would all be doing it, but it isn't. It is hard enough as it is without people just thinking we are shit parents as well.

Oh and SS? Send you on a course that has no benefit to a child with complex behavioural needs and often makes them worse.

@soapboxqueen every single person commenting can only go on what the OP says. I'm not sorry to say it's shit parenting. Don't talk down to me about how hard parenting a child with additional needs is. I know.
I wouldn't accept that substandard level of parenting for any child, especially one that requires more than a neurotypical child. Lazy, screen and junk food filled lifestyles with zero boundaries results in badly behaved kids generally. That will be amplified in a child with existing needs. Time for people to learn it's not a get out of parenting card. Of course its hard work but that's life.

Tombli then I can only hope you don't meet too many parents like yourself willing to make massive judgments on people they don't know, who live in situations they have no clue about.

Life is tough enough without those useless and needless judgements.

Having a child with SEN does not mean you have an inner knowledge of every other parent's life who cares for a child with SEN. Just because you've managed to get your child to comply to a certain extent doesn't mean all parents can.

Literally every situation is different.

Some of the comments on this thread are frankly awful and ridiculous. TV and inappropriate video games is not bloody neglect. It is very common for asd/adhd children to be abnormally interested in video games and tv. Life with a child with asn is bloody hard. You often cannot parent a child with these difficulties in a traditional manner. Yvonne Newbold is worth a google. She has a book, website and facebook group devoted to helping parents of violent and controlling children.

Cactus I know of parents, where ss for involved, have been left with very traumatised children due to lack of knowledge and understanding of what SEN can look like.

Often falling back on the assumption that poor behaviour = poor parenting

@LifeintheFASDlane

Typically, factors supporting a diagnosis of FASD are short height, low body weight,small head size, poor coordination, low intelligence, behavior problems. The child in question may also have facial abnormalities and/or problems with sight or hearing.

justcly I am aware that those are factors that may be taken into consideration when considering a diagnosis but usually the things that get you asking for the diagnosis in the first place are the agressive outbursts, the lack of impulse control, the meltdowns, the lying etc
The little boy I am raising who has a diagnosis of FASD is off average height & body weight and is a bright & intelligent little boy but the issues that got me seeking help are very similar to those described in the OP.

I'm a fairly strict parent, and my 10 year old watches Stranger Things