To ask how you feel being a mum to a young toddler?

[Burntoutboobout]

Posting for traffic

I have an 18 month old dd, she still breastfeeds constantly, eats very little ‘real’ food and wakes up anywhere between 3 and 6 times a night, sometimes more.

I. Am. Burnt. Out.

At the moment I hate being a mum, I’m so tired all the time but struggle to sleep at night. I study 3 days a week so dd is in nursery during those days but I have a lot of revision/coursework I do at home. So far I’ve managed but being off for Christmas with no nursery I have managed to get zero work done, I head back next week and have 3 assignments due, I honestly just feel like dropping out. This was a career change for me as my previous job is the same as OHs and consists of very long hours unless you freelance. I gave it up so I could be there for dd as OH travels a lot for work.

OH has been off work for about 3 weeks now and and is very little help to me. He’s unbelievably messy, lazy, doesn’t help with nights or get up with dd in the mornings. For example dd had a bad night last night and was up every hour and a half, I was exhausted. I asked OH to get up with her and he agreed, then proceeded to leave her with me while he had a 30 minute shower. I decided to get up and have a coffee, made it and OH came and took it off me to drink himself and then ordered me to go back to bed even though I was wide awake. I’ve had 18 months of broken sleep, 1 year of preparing dd 3 meals a day, getting her dressed, doing all laundry/cleaning/nursery runs. I just feel like packing a bag and disappearing.

I feel like I hate my OH even though he is good to us. He gives me an allowance every month which I use on some bills and then food for us all, clothes for dd and my travel. We live in an expensive part of London and he pays all rent and most bills so he does have a lot of pressure. Dds nursery fees are covered by a bursary.

Disclaimer: I am already on antidepressants for ppd and ppa, but I don’t feel like this is that. I just feel so tired and done. When does it start to get easier?

Sorry that was long!

Oh OP. There are two, possibly three things to look at here.

Firstly, sleep deprivation is horrific. When you are that tired everything is so much harder. And the occasional lie in or whatever might help, but you need consistent long term decent sleep to get back on an even keel. So one thing you need to do is look at night weaning and helping your DC sleep through. This doesn't have to mean the end of BF if you don't want it to. I would say though that your DH needs to assist with this, especially as the ideal is he would take over night wakings for a few nights until there is a dissociation between you and milk and getting back to sleep. There are lots of gentle methods if that reassures you (although they may take longer).

Secondly, you need to look at the imbalance of the load with your DH. Why is he never giving you a lie in? Why are you doing all the work? Yes he's under pressure to work but equally it is his child too, and you've taken a hit to provide the childcare when he's working and taken on the stress of retraining to be flexible and facilitate HIS career. He still has time outside of work and no one should sitting around while the other has work to do. You need to have a frank discussion about realistic and fair expectations and hold him to what he agrees to. If he isn't willing to share the load equally, then you need to decide if you can live with that. I couldn't.

It does get easier, I have two DC 4 and 2, the 4 year old although still hard work can be a pleasure to be around and can occupy themselves for decent periods. To be honest I do not enjoy age 2, and will be happy not to be a parent of a toddler when we're past that stage! However, it will always be a struggle if you don't get enough sleep, and your DH is a burden not a partner to you.

With regards to your study, it's hard to know on the info given if you'd be better carrying on or stopping. What would happen if you stop? What would you do? Would you be out of pocket? Could you revisit it once you are past the early years? Do you want to be doing it or was it just to make childcare easier?

@Burntoutboobout that's so so challanging. Like above, there's a few factors at play.

1. In my experience weaning toddlers leads to far better sleep for everyone. I'm also pro extended breastfeeding but I think there comes a point where everyone just needs a bit more independence and sleep. In my experience easier to do that in combination with weaning.

2. You need some child free hours. Your partner should take baby at least 1/2 a day at the weekend. It could be their special thing. He could take her to softplay, the park, to visit friends/relatives. But you need a Saturday or Sunday for a few hours where she isn't your responsibility and he is stepping up. You can go for a coffee, see a friend, study, etc.

3. You need to sit down with your partner and agree how to divide things up. This isn't sustainable. He needs to take on more responsibility. I'm not surprised you feel like running. You need help and you need to be honest with him the impact his lack of help is having.

Please see a counsellor. Your Uni may be able to provide this for free/low charge, or through your GP.

It will get easier. But you need a plan.

Another vote for night weaning. I had (have) a terrible sleeper who was also EBF. When he was about 1, we night weaned him although ExW carried on breastfeeding in the daytime. I did all the night wakings for a week or so and broke the association with milk. DS is now 3, doesn't reliably sleep through but it did make a massive difference (and also means when you have 2 working parents, you can share the sleep deprivation a bit!)

You need to suggest one lie in each on a weekend where possible. Even if that's only til 8/9am. And that means without any disturbances!

It was hard, and that was without a domestically useless partner and multiple night feeds. Neither of which I'd tolerate. I'm not surprised you're struggling so much: totally normal and justified response in those circumstances.

that sounds hard. I was not breastfeeding which allowed me to have overnight breaks from my non sleeper which honestly kept me sane. I second weaning.

Can you gently discourage night feeding. It might be hard on him but your oh could majorly help here by going in at night over a few days to break the habit in her of night feeding. He could offer her water and resettle her, maybe just once at first then other feeds. In the short term yes, more work. But I bet it would make a difference to your household in the long run.

He gives you an allowance Tell your OH to stop being a lazy arse.

Also stop breastfeeding. There is no reason a toddler cannot go the night without food and you may find stopping feeding in the night increases the food intake during the day.

Weaning and a frank conversation with your husband, he shouldn't get downtime at your expense.

Also, don't drop out of college. Explain your situation to your tutors and see what support they can offer you. Hang in there! Everything gets easier once they're 2/3. You can do it!

Personally I think the weaning is up to you. If feeding is the easiest way to get your toddler back to sleep when she wakes then it’s be a wrench to stop, and it’s not guaranteed to stop her waking so much. Do you bedshare? It’s been a lifesaver for me, I wouldn’t get any sleep if I didn’t do it.

But I definitely agree with previous posters about your partner. He needs to take more responsibility. I work part time now, but my partner still does about half the housework, half the nursery drop-offs, at the weekend we each get a long lie-in and he usually takes her out for at least a couple of hours so I can have a long bath. If she has a really bad night and keeps me up he’ll get u wary with her so I get an hour uninterrupted sleep. He does breakfast every morning while I wash and dress. She’s also hard work, and I get almost no housework done while I’m alone with her.

Basically, there’s no reason why you should be doing so much without him. Time for a serious discussion, before you burn out and things fall apart.

Don’t drop out of the course, it’s a shame when you’ve put in hard work. The course isn’t the problem, your partner needs to step up.

Definitely night wean, and sleep train too (it's so hard to do one without the other). Your DD needs you to teach her to self-settle, it's not something a lot of kids just get, they need to be taught. We cracked at 19 months after DS started waking every hour, we were both working full time and exhausted. We did controlled crying, it took 5 nights and he's slept through ever since with the exception of occasional nightmares/illness. He's SO much happier now he's not chronically sleep deprived!

DSis is a paediatrician, she says she sometimes gets toddler patients who are severely anaemic due to bf too much and thus barely eating. Breast milk is ace but low in iron - she needs dark green leafy veg and red meat. She really helped us with DS who like your DD refused to eat much as he was a total boob fiend. He's still bf at 2 and a half, but I night-weaned and didn't let him feed within 45 mins of a meal, which really upped his food intake.

Final point - if you're not married, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER FOR HIS! I can't stress this enough - you have no legal protection if he buggers off later and your lucrative career is down the pan.

Honestly, the toddler really isn’t the problem here.

Also the toddler will grow out of it...

Good luck OP, it sounds really difficult.

You have done an amazing job breastfeeding for 18 months. You have given your baby the best possible start. Now she is bigger and older she may be waking up hungry several times a night. You are also making her 3 meals a day yet you say she is eating very little 'real' food.

I think that you now need a plan for weaning her. If she eats well during the day she will be less hungry at night. If she doesn't associate you with milk comfort you will be able to have a little more time to your self which you now need.

No one can do everything 24/7 and still manage to function long term.
Your oh is doing well outside the home with the financial provision but he also needs to do more inside the home.

However, like you, he will not be able to do everything so this means as well as him doing more you need to accept the necessity of doing less. You are working towards you family's future with your course, I think this must be made even harder if you are breast feeding as well because you feel constant expectation that you are on call 'tap' to provide all of your child's needs. What happens on nursery days op? Are you also having to express milk to take? It is very difficult if your dd isn't eating much but I think that if you are going to be less sleep deprived and attend to your course as well as everything else moving dd off the breast is the best way forward. Easier said than done I know
but you desperately need to free up some time in order to have even a degree of physical, mental and emotional health.

Honestly, the toddler really isn’t the problem here.

If she's breastfeeding constantly including multiple times at night, she's going to be a significant part of the reason OP is exhausted, and this would be so even if DH were doing everything he could. Which he's evidently not. I wouldn't necessarily use the word 'problem' because she's a baby, and her behaviour is the much more understandable of the two. But of course it's going to knacker OP out. That's a huge amount for a mother to keep up with for an extended period.

OP my little girl is 14 months and sounds fairly similar! Such a mummy's girl and still breastfeeding lots day and night.

Mine has dairy and soy allergies so I can't (and wouldn't want to) wean before two as we both enjoy it and it settles her so quickly.

That being said I am planning on night weaning at 18 months. Sarah Ockwell Smith has a great article on doing it gently. I've also not slept more than a three hour stretch in over a year, so I do understand the impact it has.

Also my husband takes baby in the morning for 45 mins every day so I can sleep in. He does her breakfast and gets her ready for the day which is a big help.

Where and how does she normally nap? Do you have any family that could help once a week?

Your DP needs a kick up the butt. He needs to help you more, end of.

I also have ppa and ppd and counseling has helped massively. I went through Mind.

Don't give up breastfeeding if you don't want to, but you do need to look after yourself, otherwise you won't be able to look after baby. It's not selfish or wrong for you to need more help and a break.

OP your OH is not good to you and your joint DD.

If he was he would be ensuring he had proper 1:1 time with your DD to help ensure he builds a long lasting relationship with her. To do this he needs to start immediately by as a minimum taking her out for a few hours every weekend without you. For example if I go to the supermarket in my area on a Saturday or Sunday most of the kids there, including the babies, are only there with a man, who I presume is their father.

Also if my DD has a bad night as she isn't bf I'm not automatically the parent who deals with her.

Hey... My ds is an evil sleeper and I'd have died without dh or killed someone. Sleep deprecation is horrendous. I work full time and dp works every Weekend. So. I get an evening a week free plus an hour a day while dp puts ds to bed and I struggle with that.
I weaned despite not wanting to and tbh it helped with the sleep. He's gone from 3 hr waking to sleeping for 4-5 hour streches.
Your dp needs to step up to be blunt: you need at least half a day a week away from. Your child to study/relax etc or you will burn out. I know single mom's often don't get this but you are NOT a single momso he needs to be responsible. Could he take baby to swimming lessons or a regular playgroup say evey Sunday? That way you get a block of time off to sleep or study.

Also I have pnd and it sucks. I hope your getting some support. X

I’ve got a terrible sleeper - well much better now at 20 months. Night weaning at about 13 months and full weaning at 18 months have helped massively. It was only when I fully weaned that she started becoming interested in solids. Before then it was just for fun. I think that then massively helped sleep. But as pp said, I’m in favour of extended bf and wouldn’t advise anyone to stop unless it was totally the right thing for them. With regards to night weaning, lots of people said they used their partners for it but I knew I couldn’t do that. I wanted to be the one that comforted her. As with everything, 3 days and it was done (went from waking every 90 minutes to probably 2/3 wake ups). BUT we did slip back into it a few times (and I always regretted it). It wasn’t until I totally weaned that sleep got consistently better (except for sickness etc)

But I also think you have a dh problem too. Some frank conversations need to be had. He needs to step up. Have you had a night off/away? And just because he hands you money doesn’t mean he gets to do whatever he wants at home. Counselling really helped us when we were navigating our way through the early stages of parenthood.

Your DH needs to step up and be responsible for more of your dd's life. You clearly can't study and look after her as much as you do as you are burnt out. He needs to take responsibility for a big chunk of what you do and you need to have set study times. Go out to study on a weekend and leave them to it. My oh does all drop offs before he starts work for example.

It's bloody hard.

I night weaned at about that age as I simply couldn't cope anymore. Then when she could sleep at night without me at the weekend DH and I would alternate who got to sleep alone in the back bedroom (away from the others) and have a a night off and proper uninterrupted lie in (i.e. I would have sat and he would have sun and vice versa).

But toddlers are hard hard hard work unless you have family to step in. Unrelenting is the word.

It's not forever.

Oh OP, I'm not sure I have anything useful to contribute but I just want to say that you're not alone. My 21m old is so similar, eats very little proper food, wants breastfeeding all the time, wakes throughout the night... I've tried nightweaning which was really hard but we did see some progress, only for us then both to get ill and undo all the progress we'd made. I've found Christmas especially tough, I'm a single parent and it's been really intense spending so much time just me and my toddler, and I've felt really lonely imagining everyone else as part of some perfect family unit having lovely festive times (I KNOW this isn't the case for probably most people BTW!)

I get through by telling myself this is just one stage in our lives, things will get easier. And keeping busy, seeing friends, trying to have some child free time where possible. But it is hard, and I spend a lot of time feeling guilty that I'm not loving every minute of being a mother, or that I'm counting days until he's back in nursery.

I really feel for you with your partner and think other posters are right that he needs to step up. It's hard on my own but I often think in some ways it's easier than there being someone else who doesn't pull their weight.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more constructive to say, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone! And that reading your post helped me see I'm not alone either. Feel free to PM me if moral support/mutual offloading would help.

This was exactly my DS at that age. When he woke at night I would tell him "we don't do that any more" (feed). I am on my own so partner taking over was never an option. He was upset for a little while, but mostly just went back to sleep with a cuddle. That's what got us from 7 wakes a night to 1 or 2.

He still doesn't sleep through (he's 22 months), but when he does I bring him in to my bed and we go back to sleep. If you don't have a spare room could you put a mattress on the floor of the baby's room? Then when the wake in the night you can go in and lie with them.

If you're going to do that wear a t-shirt! Wear two t-shirts. No boob access!

I still breastfeed, but he has one feed a day at bedtime. I wish I could bring myself to drop that last one.

I have an 18 month old son. I work full time as a teacher and need my sleep or I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm amazed that you've survived sleepless nights for so long! I breastfed until 1 but sleep trained at 6 months. It was surprisingly easy, not that much crying and I still breastfed all I wanted during the day. With a few good night's sleep, you'll feel like a new person. And I bet your LO will be much happier for having a good night sleep. The NHS says sleep training is fine from 6 months and causes no long term damage. Sleep deprivation causes long term damage to both of you so don't feel bad. X

You don’t have a toddler problem, you have a “DH” problem.

He needs to start pulling his weight, why should you be working 24 hours a day?

And seriously, an allowance?? You’re not a teenager who does chores, you should have access to joint funds.

Leaving the fact your partner isn’t helping aside.. I really do think this is something you need to address. It’s completely unacceptable for him to do no night settling.

My guess would be she is waking up a lot because she is hungry. What kind of food is she eating? Is she feeding herself okay? My DD is 18 months too- we offer her food at eat meal times but I will always give her toast and fruit if she hadn’t eaten purely to fill her up.

Complete personal choice here but I would give up breastfeeding in your situation and get your partner to night settle until she can wean. My DD was the same and at 14 months I gave up as it was all or nothing- she was on me all the time and it was only making her upset plus I wasn’t enjoying it anymore so wanted to end on a good note. Weaning was surprisingly easy and now she loves getting into her cot to settle herself with a bottle of milk and her cuddly toys. Does your DD have a comforter?

I’ve found it really fucking hard but can see some light at the end of the tunnel and you will too. DD cried all day everyday for about 16 months, so I do feel like I am getting my life back as she gets older but it’s impossible to enjoy parenting if you are waking up 6 times a night. I do think stopping breastfeeding is the best option here.