To be at home on my days off while DH is on nights?

[Idolovechocolategimmygimmy]

It's my day off today. I work full time weekdays and twice per month I have to work 6 days with one day off. My husband works shifts and he is on nights this weekend. I have a toddler and a baby on the way. I got up and got toddler ready and went out yesterday to allow DH to sleep. Today I'm shattered, and just want to be at home but might pop out later on. I really, now trust me really need a shower. Only shower we have is the en-suite and the family bathroom is next to our room and filling it is more noisy than the shower and takes longer so I jumped in the shower, and risked leaving the toddler with a kids tablet and tv thinking I'll be 5 minutes. But she came looking for me. She wasn't noisy just came in the loo and spoke to me normally. This woke DH and he's not happy about it. When I don't need a shower I'm tip toeing around the house anyway trying to prevent any toddler tantrums or making any noise at all. Anything seems to wake him. AIBU to want to be at home on my day off?
Oh he does well gel ear plugs and eye mask but according to him when I open a door to get clothes for example it's too bright and too loud.

Not really sure what I wanted to achieve in posting this tbh. Just a rant I suppose.

I feel your pain. My husband works shifts and I hate it when he's on nights. I've got an 8yo and 3yo and it is so difficult to keep things quiet. I try mostly to get out the house but sometimes just want to chill out. I try and get all the clothes etc organised and downstairs before he goes to bed so I'm not in an out the bedroom and have now started getting him to stay up a bit longer so I can grab a shower when he gets home from work. Its a pain but I am also willing to concede that, having never worked shift, I have no idea just how much being night-shift screws your body clock up.

I know all too well how difficult it is to sleep between nights. But I also think you need to be able to live your life so it’s a really tricky one. Do you have family or close friends who would be happy for you to go over and chill out at their houses? In this situation I’d probably just go over to my parents house for example?

I would normally be more organised like you but I'm having some sleep issues with my little one just now and she getting to bed late and getting up through the night just now so I am just shattered. Not sure my DH would wait up for me to have a shower though!

I don't think its unreasonable to stay in the house but I do think things like showering and getting dressed should be done early to get it out of the way. Then you can pretty much stay downstairs. My mum and dad were shift workers all through my childhood and I spent a lot of my life creeping around. I feel the pain.

My husband works nights regularly as well and I'd never consider leaving the house for the day, even when the kids were younger
However, there's no way I'd go into our bedroom/use our en-suite while he was asleep either, as that would be guaranteed to wake him up
Maybe in future grab clothes before he heads to bed and either have a shower very early, before he's home or make do with a sort of sink-bath/wash until he's up/awake again
Know if it was the other way around, I wouldn't be happy with him looking for clothes or using the en-suite when I was trying to sleep

I've been on both sides of this. I work full time nights and it does drive me mad if dh comes in the room or has a shower when I'm in bed so I'm that respect, I don't think it was fair for you to have a shower,if you're not going anywhere, it could have waited and you could have strip washed in the sink.

But I've also been the partner home with kids when oh has been on nights and it is hard work trying to remain quiet, especially if you realise something you want or need is upstairs in the vacinity of the bedroom

We have a compromise. He gets everything he needs for the day out of our room before I get in from work. I accept that there will be some day to day noise from him and the kids, I don't expect them to tiptoe around but they tend to use the conservatory to play in rather than the living room as it's further away from the bedroom.

Notyouhun unfortunately no family around and haven't lived here long enough to make local friends yet which is a pity. My closest family member is 2 hours drive each way and friends 1 hour if they are free.

I think actually going in the bedroom/ensuite or showering, bathing in the family bathroom once he's deeply asleep is unfair of you, and I do think you should do your ablutions when he's awake. Beyond that you should feel free to relax at home on your days off and not tip toe around or go out all the time.

I work night shift. I find it very difficult to sleep when my husband and toddler are home. But I accept that is life with a toddler. They try to be quiet and try not to come in to the bedroom, but I am still woken very often as find it hard to get back to sleep.

Can you take everything you need out of the bedroom before he goes to sleep? And shower before he sleeps?

Thanks for your replies. I see your point regarding using the shower. I was avoiding saying it but it's because I have been suffering from a sickness bug so I needed to wash! Sorry if that's too much info. On a work day I'm up at 6am and get myself and toddler ready, fed, dressed and drop her at childcare and I go to work. I pick her up and get her to bed too. I do this every single day. On my day off I still care of her. Sometimes I just want a rest.

It's really annoying but I think you were being unfair to use the shower. You can't help making normal living noises but of course opening the door will wake him.

I've been in your situation many times as well as your DHs, as me and DH both work nights and only shower is in our ensuite. I prepare in advance and get everything I need out of the room. If I forget something, I go without it. A shower can always wait.

YABU thinking you need to go out all day and for using the shower

So what your really saying is you do all the childcare and your a bit fed up of it. The shower is a side issue.
If your dh is not there when you're getting ready for work then unfortunately it's down to you to get dc ready.
Sounds like you need your dh to take dc one day while you get some rest.

Can your DH use earplugs?

I work shifts and wouldn't dream of telling DH he had to be out of the house while I slept (nor him me when he's nights the joys of opposite shift patterns)

DH can sleep like the dead and literally nothing would wake him. I'm a lighter sleeper but earplugs mean he can be in and out the room if needed and I don't wake up.

We do try and be organised but we only have one shower in the main bathroom next to our room literally 2 feet from my side of the bed and there's no way I'd expect him to be up and showered by 7/8 on days off just so it might not wake me.

Earplugs dint mean you can't hear anything just muffle noises enough to let you sleep.

I agree with onanothertrain - YABU to use the shower

Thank you Chester. He does wear ear plugs, I got him really good gel ones but he still wakes. if I'm working 6 days and getting the little one ready and fed every day including a work day when he's off and having a lie in, when do I get a break? Such is the working life these days. I accept I wouldn't normally shower but this time trust me it was required. I thought I was over this bug but obviously not!

The best earplugs I've ever used are the Howard leight pink and yellow foam ones. They really are fab. Is your room as dark as it can be?

Noise and light really are the worst when you're trying to force yourself to sleep.

It's particularly rubbish in your situation especially when you're unwell. When will DH get up? Are you able to hand over childcare for a few hours and take time to relax/have a nap/switch off for a few hours?

How much does he actually do around the house and with dd, OP?

How jany shifts does he do per week? Why can't he look after his dd on his days off, and mist especially, let you have a lie on your day off?

Part of what led to me and dss dad breaking up (aside from him cheating) was his behaviour on nights. He would go to bed when he got home at 8am until around 7pm which was half an hour before he went to work. He got more uninterrupted sleep than I did because I dealt with our son then got up and went to a physically demading job. He thought me and ds should go out all day everyday or sit in silence.

However when i was on nights he often left the house alone so I was left to work all night then stay up with ds all day. Then maybe have an hour or twos sleep before going to work again.

I suspect what's actually happening here is your partner thinks all he has to do is go to work and earn money but nothing else. That's all your job.

I am a shift worker and have done nights in the past.

I never expected my husband to take the kids out for the day but if he came and had a shower in the ensuite whilst I was sleeping I’d be be mad too. Nights are awful and can really make you feel ill.

Having said that, you’re obviously not well and are shattered. I hope you can find a way to facilitate some down time.

Thanks for the tip on ear plugs I'll look them up. We have to room as dark as possible. We put up the travel black out bind which is pretty good. The light was when DD came in and opened the door.
DH just got up and although didn't get a whole lot of sleep he laughed and said I was gross when I told him why the shower was required haha! unfortunately we are pretty on our own here and no one to help out with childcare especially on the weekend. We pay for childcare 4 days per week and it's £52 per day so can't really afford to pay for more. No one around here would do it anyway. I have a friend that used to help out, but she's started another job so now unwilling to help. Most of my family are abroad, father, brother, cousins, uncles and all my husbands family are a 4 hour drive away also.
Thanks for your help.

I suspect what's actually happening here is your partner thinks all he has to do is go to work and earn money but nothing else. That's all your job.

I suspect the same, and it's a shame OP appears to be leaving the thread instead of exploring this.

Paranoid, this is something that I think needs addressed. He has DD one day a week but even then when I'm up for work, DD wakes and I often end up dressing her and making her breakfast before I leave the house. It's exhausting. He then has a nice day taking her out places. It's not always his fault, if I'm in she will only have me and I just do it as it gets done faster and there's no drama. Same when I come home, if DH is working I make her dinner, if he's home he makes dinner and I encourage her to eat, I bath her and get her to bed (always a tricky task). DH will clean kitchen after dinner. I tend to keep the house clean and I do all washing etc. I do everything for DD. I rarely get out on my own or just sit by myself. DH does about 4-5 shifts and gets 3 days off (not always together) on his days off I still get up at 6 and take her to childcare. He has days on his own whereas I don't ever. I know this has to change. Some of it can't be helped though. We need to chat about it. I've mentioned it quite a bit but nothing seems to change. If he dealt with DD just one day of his day off then at least I would need to get up for work at 6am.

Just sounds like an unfortunate set of circumstances today to me OP, one to chalk up to experience and forget about. Having to use the shower wasn't ideal (or the norm by the sounds of it) but you had no choice in the circumstances and DC never do what you want/need them to on days like today

I've been on both sides of this too but working nights means accepting that you will be woken up now and again during the day, it can't always be helped. Doesn't sound like DH is pissed off from what you've said so don't beat yourself up for accidentally waking him, and no, YANBU to want to be at home on your day off.