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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call friend out on her rudeness?

43 replies

confused1984 · 05/01/2020 09:34

I have a friend of 14 years. This friend has no kids, few friends, lives 20 mins away, but has a boyfriend who can be clingy and (I think) a bit possessive.

I moved away for 5 years but we still stayed in touch and I moved back to our local area last year. Since then, I have seen her a total of 3 times - the last one being April.

I have asked her more than once if I’ve done anything to upset her and she says no (I believe her). She texts me often but mostly it’s to moan about work or start conversations that never go anywhere.

I have asked her if she wants to meet up more times than I care to count and eventually stopped asking August when I changed tact asked when she’d next be free and she put “not for a while probably” which I found so rude. I thought to preserve my own self respect I wouldn’t ask her again.

She messaged over Christmas saying we need to meet up soon as it’s been too long. I stupidly asked on Friday if she wanted to do something this weekend and she said she couldn’t but proceeded to ask me other stuff.

I don’t want to get in an argument but feel I need to say something. She’s just so rude and a friendship works two ways! Sometimes you have to make an effort to see someone because THEY may need a pick me up!

What would you say?

OP posts:
Firstawake · 05/01/2020 09:41

It sounds to me that she wants a friendship with you, but meeting up is the issue for her( maybe the boyfriend).
I think a good friend would not expect to much from her right now and just be there for her.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2020 09:45

I'm not sure it's rude to be honest, more she's got an issue in meeting up. She clearly wants to be your friend.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 05/01/2020 09:47

It doesn't sound like rudeness to me, it sounds like there's an issue which makes it difficult for her to meet up with you. The boyfriend? Social Anxiety? Money?

Jeezoh · 05/01/2020 09:48

I’d say something along the lines of “I value our friendship but to be honest, I’m a bit baffled that you’re never able to meet up with me. I’d love to have a proper catch up in person rather than just by text, I’ll wait for you to confirm when suits”

ohprettybaby · 05/01/2020 09:49

asked when she’d next be free and she put “not for a while probably” which I found so rude.
There is nothing rude about her response. You could try casually asking why though. If she is experiencing problems with her partner's possessiveness she might open up to you.

plunkplunkfizz · 05/01/2020 09:50

She’s not being rude in the slightest. She’s very clear and honest with you about not meeting up.

Spied · 05/01/2020 09:52

Give her a couple of dates you are free to meet up. Say, one this month and a couple next month. Then tell her to message you if she wants a proper catch up and can meet.
I probably say actually that I was passing her house on x date and could I pop by.
See her reaction.

MsVestibule · 05/01/2020 09:54

I would work on the assumption that she is in a controlling relationship and isn't 'allowed' to see you and continue to be friends with her on 'text terms'. If she says again 'we should meet up' just reply 'that would be lovely, let me know when you're free' and assume it won't happen.

If you don't feel able to do that, you're going to either have to tell her that you want to cut contact (and why) or just gradually stop replying to her messages until she gets the idea.

sameasiteverwasantiques · 05/01/2020 09:54

I'd think about distancing yourself from her, doesn't sound like a good friend to you.

Fieldofgreycorn · 05/01/2020 10:07

I agree just tolerate her vagueness for now and assume there’s stuff going on in her life that she isn’t ready or able to talk about.

Reply to texts politely but don’t spend too much time doing so and don’t put too much hope or expectation on seeing her. Treat it as a superficial friendship for now so you’re not too emotionally invested and you protect yourself from repeated disappointment. If and when she confides something you’ll be there for her. Meanwhile enjoy time with other friends.

Madamswearsalot · 05/01/2020 10:09

It could be as other pps have said - the boyfriend makes it difficult, she's anxious about face to face meet ups etc.

However, you aren't unreasonable to have your reaction to this. It may be difficult for her but you are finding it difficult to - maybe you're finding that it feels like a rejection when she doesn't want to see you.

She may feel that what you've got (random text conversations, intermittent contact) is a friendship. You clearly have a different definition of what constitutes a friendship which includes actually seeing each other.

It's entirely your choice whether you keep it going. If you do opt to say something to her it could be along the lines of - it's nice to be in contact on the phone, but I really love meeting up for a proper catch up, let me know when you're free to do that. Or you just let it start to fade as you reply less frequently each time she messages.

LadyFlumpalot · 05/01/2020 10:23

I used to think the same as previous posters, and in fact had a very similar "friend".

She moved half an hour away with her new partner and all meet-ups stopped, her partner was controlling so I figured he was just making it difficult and decided I'd be there if she needed me.

I asked her if she fancied a night out for my birthday, nothing heavy, a meal then a couple of drinks and home on the last train type thing. She declined, said she didn't like going on nights out. Fair enough I thought.

Except.... the next weekend her Facebook is covered in pictures of her having an extremely messy night out with all her other friends....

So, maybe I'm a bit jaded, or projecting, but I wouldn't waste any more emotional energy on this friend of yours OP.

cstaff · 05/01/2020 10:51

If you want to ask again leave the question re dates more open. Instead of asking her if she is free to meet up on the 22nd, just ask her what nights can she do. Then the ball is in her court. That way you should be able to find out if she really does want to meet. It does seem really odd tbh.

Janedoughnut · 05/01/2020 11:12

Have you tried asking her to meet up during the day/weekend for a coffee? Maybe it's the going out at night she doesn't like/has a problem with.

Original poster
confused1984 · 05/01/2020 11:56

Thanks all. Yes all the times I’ve suggested have been during the day - lunch etc.

I think I’ve found it rude because it’s happened on SO many occasions now. And i have tried The tact of “tell me when you’re free” but it hasn’t worked. As a PP said, I think i feel rejected now.

OP posts:
maslinpan · 05/01/2020 12:00

I think now is the time for a more upfront message, saying you are hurt and a little confused that she never wants to meet up in person. Say that you do value her friendship, but that the ball is in her court whenever she is ready.

WaggleWiggle · 05/01/2020 12:07

I think Jeezoh’s suggested message is a good idea. You’ll be unhappy unless you raise this with her directly.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/01/2020 12:09

If she has changed since the boyfriend, I would wonder about coercive control from him. You know her best. Maybe give her a chance if it is that. She might need a friend in future.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/01/2020 12:10

Also maybe she is texting about other stuff as her partner checks her phone, you never know. I would try and meet up and person and get a feel for what is going on with her

Coughy4u · 05/01/2020 12:12

Well i think it is rude because if i lived that close, no kids and value the friendship i would meet up with you or tell you honestly why like depression or bf controlling.

She just doesnt consider the friendship important.

Drum2018 · 05/01/2020 12:18

I would try and meet up and person and get a feel for what is going on with her

Isn't the whole point of the post that the op has tried and the friend won't meet up Hmm

I couldn't be arsed with this type of friendship tbh. If it were me I'd just let the 'friendship' go.

Emeraldshamrock · 05/01/2020 12:19

She is giving you a wide birth OP. I think she texted over Christmas because she was in the spirit.
I am in a similar situation with an old teenage friend whose relationship broke down. I am a different place now she is back and she is very self centred and needy, most days I don't take a breath for me I don't have time ie energy to restart the friendship. We also kept in touch sporadically.
I sent her it is not you it's me text at Christmas. I feel shit about it but felt avoidance wasn't working out.
Let the friendship die.

AutumnRose1 · 05/01/2020 12:23

I think she's rejected you OP sorry.

A text at Christmas is particularly meaningless. I wouldn't have a go at her or anything but just let it go.

ohwheniknow · 05/01/2020 12:29

So you think she's being abused - part of which would be disrupting her friendships and isolating her - and your response is to make it all about you?

Right.

Coughy4u · 05/01/2020 12:35

Abuse gets thrown around here too readily.
In all likeelihood when you were away she made other friends. You cant rescue her even if he was abusive or force her to meet you. All you can do is look after your own well being and its affecting you her lack of willingness to meet up. You need to make new friends it seems.