To call friend out on her rudeness?

[confused1984]

I have a friend of 14 years. This friend has no kids, few friends, lives 20 mins away, but has a boyfriend who can be clingy and (I think) a bit possessive.

I moved away for 5 years but we still stayed in touch and I moved back to our local area last year. Since then, I have seen her a total of 3 times - the last one being April.

I have asked her more than once if I’ve done anything to upset her and she says no (I believe her). She texts me often but mostly it’s to moan about work or start conversations that never go anywhere.

I have asked her if she wants to meet up more times than I care to count and eventually stopped asking August when I changed tact asked when she’d next be free and she put “not for a while probably” which I found so rude. I thought to preserve my own self respect I wouldn’t ask her again.

She messaged over Christmas saying we need to meet up soon as it’s been too long. I stupidly asked on Friday if she wanted to do something this weekend and she said she couldn’t but proceeded to ask me other stuff.

I don’t want to get in an argument but feel I need to say something. She’s just so rude and a friendship works two ways! Sometimes you have to make an effort to see someone because THEY may need a pick me up!

What would you say?

Thanks - I’ve sent a message to the effect Jeezoh suggested so will wait and see. But I’m not making any further effort now. Sad really as we’ve been friends for so long.

Thanks Coughy4u - I don’t know if she is being abused. I used to think she was being controlled but now I’m not sure anymore. She’s been with him for 10 years and never used to be like this.

If she won’t talk to me there’s not much I can do so as you suggest I’m going to fade it out pending what she comes back to my text with.

Nothing will be gained from asking her why.
A lot can change in the 5 years you lived away, you saw her 3 times in a year since you returned.
We're you best friends while away or the odd FB like, text sporadically kinda friends.
Take the high road move on.

@confused1984 hi did your friend reply.

@Emeraldshamrock nope not yet! I sent it
Hours ago

I think you should give her one more chance and ask her does she want to meet up but instead of you suggesting days and her refusing, let her suggest a time when she is free...

If tat doesn't work then I'd stop asking her as if she can't make an effort then why should you keep trying

I had a friend who would say we need to meet up , I'd suggest dates she'd say I don't mind so I'd say ok so and so date . Dates arranged then days before cancelled not rearranged just i can't make it now this went in for 2 years. final straw was my birthday cancelled 2 hours before but still said we need to catch up soon . I just never replied and haven't heard from her since . She may think I'm annoyed but I'm simply just not putting my energy in the friendship as like a lot of relationships it's come to a end . I think you need to do the same just let it go and don't make any more effort .

I don’t think it’s rude to not be available to meet up with someone

Just to throw in a different view point...could she have put on a lot of weight in the time since you last physically saw her?

She may value the friendship but due to feeling anxious around herself she wants to keep it only virtual.

I can relate to this.

Something is holding her back, does she have social anxiety, undiagnosed autism or an abusive man who is keeping her from her friends n fam? Do you really need to meet up to stay friends, just text and call for a while, find out if she's meeting up with others, if not she's just struggling so bear with her

Sounds like an ex friend of mine who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. They always do everything together so if he doesn't want to do it, it doesn't happen.

Do you have any contact with her family? Obviously don’t just randomly say it but in conversation you could say something like “how’s friend, I was supposed to meet with her a few times and she cancelled” or something along them lines. It sounds like she could be in an abusive relationship but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Just to give an update on this - I sent the text a week ago, saying I really value the friendship but don’t understand why she never wants to meet up? I said it’s be great to catch up in person not just by text and to let me know when she’s free.

To date - no reply! Final nail in the coffin for me - she clearly doesn’t give a shit so why should I?

You tried. You have your answer. Don't block her in case she needs your help in the future (if it is a boyfriend control issue) but don't contact her either.

Yes, that’s very hurtful. At least now you can focus your time and energy on better people.

Could it be that when you moved away, you didn't meet up but now you have moved back and pushing for a meet up she feels resentful and under pressure.

There seems little point in calling her out on it - leave it to her, if she arranges something great...... If I were you I would concerntrate on making new friends, doing new activities to widen your social circle.

At least you know now and can move on x

@confused1984 It looks like she was trying to break up with you all the time.
You have your answer onwards and upwards. Though I will say it can be hard when an old friend arrives back after a few years, things change, the friend who left thinks it will be the same.