Ex and DS Christmas and birthday

[bubbles1000]

Sorry in advance if this is long but I need to get it out.

DS is 3. Ex only saw him once near Christmas (not any of the actual days.) He has contact once a month - his choice. it was once a week but he wanted to reduce which means I've had to change jobs as I was meant to work the days he had him, and now he's bailed on that. He didn't get him anything for Xmas or do anything with him, when he does have him once a month he takes him to extended family members houses as he can't cope with him on his own.

DS's birthday is in a couple of weeks and he won't be seeing him over that either, and I doubt he won't get him anything given how Christmas went. Ex's family got DS stuff but not him.

Ex has a girlfriend who he has another child with and this is the reason for the reduction in everything, she has caused issues and been nasty to the point I had to get a solicitor involved...

DS is at an age now where he starts to notice and understand things - I just don't know what to do in this situation any more..... if anyone has any tips or advice on how to handle it I would really appreciate it!! Thank you

He either needs to be properly in his life or not at all. None of this is fair on the child.

The focus for your decisions going forward is what is best for your DS. I do believe kids have a right to a relationship with both parents, even if that's once a month with his dad, but it needs to be stable. Does your ex see DS on his own, away from girlfriend? If not, do you have any concerns over girlfriend and contact with your DS? If yes, then that needs to change to safeguard your DS.

Are you able to contact your ex and discuss his commitment to your son and DSs feelings over having consistent contact with his Dad as he grows older?

Once a month?! A court agreed to this?!
Outrageous!

He sounds like a deadbeat dad with no interest in your sons wellbeing. Sadly there is nothing you can do to force him to see your son or act like a proper father
If he wants to fade away from your sons life I’d let him. Your son needs stability consistency and people who care about him in his life.

Don’t deny contact but don’t run after him trying to facilitate it. That’s his job. Focus on helping your son deal with how he is feeling. There are probably resources out there about talking to kids about this as it’s a very common situation.

You and DS are your own lovely little family and you will be ok

@Clangus00 doesn't look like any court was involved.

Even if it was, non-resident parents can't be forced to see their kids no matter what is court ordered. Deadbeat NRPs can and do choose to not see kids for weeks/months/years at a time.

OP this is shit. Your ds is young enough for him to not know any different. Help him to deal with what is normal for him.

Thank you everyone for replies. Contact is not court ordered - when we split we decided everything between us it's just gradually gone downhill. I don't believe he spends much of any time with him alone because I don't think he can cope. He always goes to his family (his mum doesn't live locally but they do)

I honestly don't know about the girlfriend. After everything that went on I specifically told ex that DS was not to be around her. Something which even my solicitor agreed on - but he is a compulsive liar and probably just wouldn't tell me if she had been.

To be perfectly honest a lot of the time he DS doesn't ask about his dad or mention him etc but the times that he does are awful especially the days following him seeing him

Who imitates and agrees the dates? If you just stopped contacting him what would happen?

I always think this blanket thing about a 'right' to a relationship with both parents is misguided. No, one parent should not actively prevent or reduce contact if it is wanted and a positive experience, but this guy clearly isn't bothered (does he pay cms even?) and contact with him is causing more problems than it is solving. It is a terrible shame, as the child should have two parents who actively want to support and be involved with him but you can't force it. I agree. I'd let him drift away and seek help to support your DS with that. I'd also tell his dad that whilst you will not deny contact, the ad hoc once a month is detrimental to your son and he either had to do better or agree to step back.

TBH, the contact appears to be facilitated for the sake of your ex’s extended family. I’m guessing they are driving the little contact he has with him as the ex is taking your ds to them every time he has him. He sounds nasty - how a father can ignore xmas gifts for their dc is beyond horrible, and although I too think contact with both parents should always happen where possible, I think in this situation you’re just setting your ds up for lots of emotional problems in the future if this situation continues.

Ex has a girlfriend who he has another child with and this is the reason for the reduction in everything, she has caused issues and been nasty to the point I had to get a solicitor involved...

No, no, no! Don’t fall into the trap of blaming her for this, this is all on him. It’s his responsibility to parent and provide for his son, and no one should be able to stand in the way of that. The fact is he’s a deadbeat dad and doesn’t care about his son in any meaningful way.

I don’t agree with pushing contact personally, having been a child of divorced parents and a deadbeat dad. All contact did was remind us how little he cared for us, which was hugely damaging. I also don’t think he “can’t cope” with his own son, that’s an excuse. It’s that he’s too lazy to try and has no interest in being a parent. Is he paying child support at least?

@AngelsSins I completely get what you're saying re the girlfriend - he has defo not helped that situation in fact I think he's encouraged it - but she's been harassing me and threatening my son that's all on her. And ex did nothing about this even tho he was the one who told me about it in the first place.

He does pay maintenance - but the idea was he told me he had to reduce contact because he wasn't getting enough time with his other child (who he lives with) so I just let him get on with it.

It's just such a shame for DS because you're totally right he doesn't care about him at all, and not getting him anything or seeing him over important dates proves that. I'm not materialistic at all, it's not the presents I have issues with because DS doesn't need a lot, it's the fact that he clearly didn't bother and doesn't care and I know there's no way in hell he wouldn't not get anything for his other child for Xmas or birthday so why does he think it's ok to do that to DS???

completely get what you're saying re the girlfriend - he has defo not helped that situation in fact I think he's encouraged it - but she's been harassing me and threatening my son that's all on her. And ex did nothing about this even tho he was the one who told me about it in the first place

I should clarify, I meant the lack of contact etc is all on him. Her being an absolute bell end is of course all on her!

I don’t understand it either, I don’t know how anyone can be so callous towards their own child, but sadly it happens a lot. All you can do is be a rock for your son and build up his self esteem to help him deal with this as he gets older.

If contact is not stable, and cannot be stable with adjustments, then I'd stop it. The most important person here is your DS, his feelings, and a stable upbringing, with or without his dad.

I know. It's heartbreaking at times then I get annoyed that I'm left to pick up the pieces!!

The girlfriend just wishes my DS didn't exist - she even puts things on social media about how their little one has no siblings etc which worries me a little but as long as she has nothing to do with DS then I suppose that's enough. I'd love to stop contact but I have no idea how. It doesn't help anyone. Not me and definitely most importantly not DS

Stop contacting him. See how long it takes for him to ask to see your son.

@AJPTaylor that would be great. If it was just up to him I don't think we'd ever see him or hear from him again but he does t to save face with his family especially his mum as they're still in contact

Could you just arrange for Ds to spend time with his grandmother separately and leave him out of the loop

@AJPTaylor technically that's what happens now. Ex's mum doesn't live local so has to arrange to come and see DS when she is visiting family as we are all fairly local....

Problem is there's a family wedding abroad later this year that they want to take DS to. I don't want him to go for obvious reasons involving ex and the gf so his mum is trying to build up enough of a bond to be able to argue that she'll take him and be responsible for him but I wouldn't trust her not to send DS off with ex and gf and I know he wouldn't be safe.
Also the fact that DS has never been apart from me from more than 1 night before and that's been with my parents who see DS several times a week not even in another county let alone country

"I'd love to stop contact but I have no idea how."

Just tell him that you no longer see it as being in DS best interest to have contact with someone who does nothing for him and exposes him to someone like the gf. Let him take you to court if he doesn't like it and stop contact with the granny too.

If they want him at the wedding, they could fly you out so you can accompany him for the trip and they only have him for a few hours at a time. He doesn’t need to travel with anyone who doesn’t regularly care for him.

I agree with the flying you out if they absolitly must have him at the wedding but even if that happened I'd say it was a bad idea, if you can't trust even his mum to not go against your wishes that are for the child safety then there wouldn't be a bats chance in hell I'd let one of my kids go.
His safety comes before their wishes every day.
Besides hes 3 he wont like going away and being around almost complete strangers anyway, my 3yo certainly wouldn't.

They'd never take me with them and I have no interest in going. DS definitely isn't going - they just don't know this yet. Ex's mum has dropped numerous hints but even ex basically said himself he's not too bothered if DS doesn't go!!!!

It's just other things too like they had him at the weekend and he's potty training (about 90% there as toddlers are) but he came back and he hadn't been wiped properly after doing a number 2 and his pants and his bum was filthy they just ply him with chocolate and leave him to play with the other kids that are around at the time.

As it stands at the moment ex is due to contact me to give me the next date for his contact day I'm just hoping he doesn't message me at all

It’s so hard.

Found with my ex the less he relied me the less bothered he was with contact.

Just a question if contact has dropped has maintenance been updated.

"As it stands at the moment ex is due to contact me to give me the next date for his contact day I'm just hoping he doesn't message me at all"

Just say no when he does!

@Starlight456 up until a few months ago ex was having him every week for approx 8 hours or so. He then told me he wasn't getting enough time with his other child (his and gfs) who he lives with and was refusing to come and collect DS 'early' - so I could go to work so was reducing it to once a month. He also told me in the same message that my child maintenance was reducing as he never updated it when his second child was born.

Funnily enough these messages came the same week that his gf received the letter from my solicitor to tell her to stop harassing me so it was all clearly a knee jerk revenge reaction.

Maintenance has since gone back up to what it was (he reduced it by about £35 a month just 'because he could') but the contact remains, at the moment, the same as what he told me he could do.

I'm just so tired of it all and my DS hardly ever mentions him which I suppose says it all really but I think the whole point is that he's getting to an age where he's going to be understanding everything. I mentioned to ex recently about adjusting contact and he had no interest in it