Feeling like an awful parent for thinking about a residential school for Sen child

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Ive got three kids (11, 10 and 7). Our 10 and 7 year old have autism and adhd. The youngest is also non verbal and has an autoimmune disease.

I’ve been a carer for 10 years as we realised the kids wouldn’t cope in nursery ft or even pt. I’m exhausted. My parents are elderly so do help by taking the older two out but the youngest is incredibly hyperactivity. He climbs on Windows, jumps on beds, runs off, throws stuff, screams if things aren’t as he wants them. I’ve carried the mental load coping with the kids and the house and doing therapies with my dh essentially parenting our oldest son. I’m trying to step back but every decision my dh wants to run past me. Should we do this, should we do that. Yet hasn’t been emotionally supportive or available as they’ve grown up. He doesn’t see it this way.

My mum has mentioned residential school for my youngest. I’ve realised that the moment he gets home from his specialist school at 4pm all my attention has to go on him as he can’t be left alone. I feel like a dreadful parent as I can’t give my other two children (including the other one with special needs) enough attention. I feel burnt out and exhausted. We don’t get respite and 4 hours a month wouldn’t be enough as my son would have extreme anxiety if he didn’t know the person enough and four hours a month wouldn’t allow for this. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of life. My husband wanted us to go out today but I couldn’t face how much effort it would take and god forbid if it wasn’t right in anyway the youngest would lose it (he can’t talk). We try and tailor everything to suit him. Especially if he’s been awake in the night which he frequently is.

I’ve just started a new job in school hours as I want to reclaim what is left of my shattered identify.

I feel awful for even considering residential school. I can’t imagine others caring for my young child. It breaks my heart the thought of sending him away like I’m rejecting him. But on the other hand I’m not sure how longer I can deal with him. Today he had an hour long meltdown as I wouldn’t let him upstairs as he’d already trashed it. Even the simple joy of trying to read him a story he screams, moves around and hits me.

He’s currently on his window sill whilst I’m sat on his floor where I will spend the next few hours getting him into bed.

Sorry I don’t have any advice but there is an SEN board maybe ask MN to move this as AIBU is not going going to give you good answers.

Seems to me you’re being a good parent to the other 2, giving them some time and space.
I’m in awe you’ve got to age 7 with this, I wouldn’t cope at all.
It sounds very tough but hope you get him a place. You’ll be able to give him quality time when he’s back from school safe in the knowledge that your other 2 have also had some attention when he’s away. You’ll also have the energy to devote to him if it’s in more measured doses.

YADNBU to consider it. The only problem is if he then wouldn't settle for visits home if it takes him out of his school routine. However, I would say you should definitely look into it.

Why don't you go and see some residential schools and find out what they offer. You don't have to commit to anything now.

You are certainly not a bad mother. You sound incredible.

It is absolutely right to ensure all your children's needs are met, and residential schooling may be the best way to do this.

I think it would be a good idea to look into it. Presumably you'd take him home for weekends? So it's not like when I went away to school in September and next saw my family in December.

My nephew had severe cerebral palsy and went to a residential school. At the school he had the care he needed, by people who were not exhausted, and he flourished.

If you can get him into a good school, you might find that you are more able to give more of yourself when he is with you, as well as being more present for your other children. You wouldn't be abandoning him at all. It may turn out to be wrong for you and for him, but it won't hurt to look into it.

Anybody would consider it, you sound like you're doing a great job. Do some research, visit the residential school and see how you feel then. It might benefit your whole family, your 7 year old included.

You would still be caring for him, just doing it with help.

Do what's right for your family. Sorry if this is teaching u to suck eggs but have you looked at direct payments. Friend uses hers for carers a few times a week for one of her children. Carers take him out to different specialised activities

A friend of mine sends her SEN son to a residential school. He is home most weekends, although can stay if he wants to/they need him to for some reason, and for the holidays. He has flourished at his school, and they have flourished as a family with the respite it provides.

It sounds like you have been working yourself to the bone for a long time and I don't think you should feel any guilt for trying to find a way to cope before you run out of steam altogether

Absolutely find out about your options. There are residential schools for a reason and professionals that are trained to work with children like yours. Your current situation sounds really tough. Have you considered that residential education could be in your youngest's best interests as well as yours and the family as a whole. Try not to see it as rejection. You can only explore options and try things out. Although disruptive, if it didn't work out, you would be in no worser situation. Good luck.

Why in the name of all that is holy are you even thinking yabu? You're not. You are considering it as a best option for all of your kids. That makes you a great mum.

A residential school could very well be the best thing for him. Being suitably educated by specialists who, as a PP said, are not exhausted and who clearly care about DC like your son. If there is a good chance it would benefit him then how can it possibly be 'awful'?

Personally I think not thinking about this as a potential option would be bad parenting.

It's nothing you have to commit to quickly. You can do your research, see what the options are and how well they might suit your son.

As stands the current situation sounds untenable for all the family and OP (with kindness) you sound near burnout.

Specialist schooling could well provide your son with essential support whilst also enabling you and your DH to parent your other children.

Good luck

You are definitely not being unreasonable to consider it. That said residential schools are very expensive and it can be difficult to get a funded place. Unfortunately often families and school places need to be in crisis before residential settings are considered.

Are his current school currently able to meet his need? If his educational needs aren’t currently being met then it will be easier to argue for the need for an independent school place with a residential option, however the residential aspect would usually be funded through social care and they are likely to want to try other cheaper options such as respite first. Are you wanting a 52 week placement, a Monday to Friday term time only placement or something in between?

I can understand why you are considering a residential school place (I am worried this is a route I may need to take with 4yo DS in the future if his current behavioural issues continue) but they are not easy to obtain. I think you need to speak to your social worker and also to research residential schools and prepare yourself for the long fight you will probably need to undertake to get him there.

Don't feel like a bad parent. You are doing the best you can but we all have limits.
Why don't you try it out and maybe they can give your son an enviroment he can be happy. He may be able to have more room to run around.
See if the school may be able to offer him opportunities he currently doesn't have like a sensory room?
It's not a punishment to send him away.

I have four kids. The middle two have SEN and both go to sen school. Both are non state so have boarding onsite. My 7 year old boards one night a week. Just for respite and to teach him some independence. Both schools are within driving distance so they get taxis in every day from home. Could you look into this kind of set up? Boarding locally not every day?

It's not cheap as LA pay the fees but not the boarding. We initially had it paid via SS as respite but my county is extremely tight so that was a battle. They now want to make respite 4 hours a week with a PA so we pay the one night boarding.

Your not a terrible mum. Your dealing as best you can. Its brutally sometimes coping with SEN

No-one, absolutely no-one, who hasn't been in your shoes should judge you. I have worked with families in a similar situation to you and have seen first hand just how desperate they get before they make the decision to use a residential school and I admire each and every one of them for the fortitude they have shown in managing for as long as they do.

This isn't direct experience, only from a child I worked with and whose family I was close too.

He had various SEN, this was a fair while ago, so what those diagnoses were isn't that useful.

But my point is, he was 11, his sister was about 9, and their family was so ground down and tired. He went to a residential school and they really did have so many benefits.

They had a calmer child when he returned, as he was happy and pleased to be with them, rather than frustrated with them as his main carers. He did well with professional staff and the routines.

He came to the holiday care I was running to be with friends he had had in the past and the place he was at sent a carer with him to be sure he coped ok in my setting.

It was all positive from what they discussed with me. It was a hard decision, but I don't think they regretted it.

You sound amazing OP.....you certainly do not sound like a bad parent for considering it and potentially moving forward with it. You clearly love your child....all your children in fact. You need to do what is best for the family.

I would have thought your child would flourish in that kind of environment where sole focus is on them. My sister in law has twins who are both autistic (verbal though). They go to a residential school and then home at the weekends which allows her time to focus on her eldest DDs and give her the time she also needs.

YANBU

My DNiece went to residential school. It was an out of county placement so the residential aspect made sense in terms both of her best interests and the financial aspects. I don’t know the niceties of the funding but it was the authorities that paid, after a lot of legal posturing. She came home alternate weekends. It was a good solution, she was happy and well cared for there.

I taught pupils exactly like your child for many years in specialist ASN provision. Some children just need residential. Having "staff" means that no one gets exhausted as the end of a shift is always in sight. Being part of a team means when things get too much you can lean on each other/swap in. Challenging behaviour whilst still incredibly difficult is easier for staff to deal with who don't have the emotional relationship you do. Also and I think the most important aspect is family time becomes far more high quality. You can see your child and for those few hours it's all about bond, love and no one is exhausted or worried.
While I appreciate its easy for an outsider to say, I have absolutely seen the advantages to children and families. I think residential is definitely worth exploring. Just ensure it's of the highest quality and that you are confident your child will be safe and nurtured there.
For what it's worth I think parents of high tariff ASN children are amazing. 💐

You know if he was in a residential school then he'd have trained staff who would work for 8 hours at a time and then get a rest. You are trying to work 24/7 and you just can't do it. Nobody is getting the best out of this current situation. Do you know what's available in your area?

You sound like you are doing an amazing job of parenting your DC OP. I didn't want to r and r. I wondered if you get any support from your local authority? Children with disabilities team or similar? Do they offer respite weekends perhaps? I agree 4 hours is not enough. Or would they offer in home support perhaps?

If this is the only way you can get respite, then I think it’s worth considering. You need to think of your own health too. So many SEN parents (mostly always mothers) burn themselves out.

One of our ds started at residential school 18 months ago. He has a year round placement. He's profoundly disabled, needs a specially trained carer, could not be left for a moment and needed watching all night long to keep him safe. As a family we were on our knees with the stress of it all as we couldn't arrange any in-home support.
Anyway, my point is that even given all that we had a huge battle to get him there and that battle left us all traumatised as it got so nasty and personal.
I would wager that your council will fight tooth and nail to avoid agreeing to it even if there are plenty of good reasons for it to happen. If you can possibly afford it get some professional advice. You will need support if you go down this avenue.
FWIW it was the best move for our son and he has flourished with the round-the-clock joined-up care that he now receives. We also had our first "family" holiday with the other dc this year. It was the most amazing experience and it has so improved all our lives generally (trauma of process aside)