I can't stop shouting at my nine year old son

[dontknowdontknow]

I know I am being unreasonable but I am so at the end of my tether. Nine year old son says no to everything, calls me stupid, refuses to do as he is told etc etc. I feel like every conversation we have is some kind of battle. Even getting dressed descends into shouting. I'm exhausted and fed up from banning screens/tv/games and I can't be bothered rewarding/bribing him non stop when frankly he doesn't deserve it. Please tell me this is a phase and I am not completely unreasonable to be losing it on a daily basis??? It's really stressing me out.

Is he getting enough exercise and does he have enough responsibility and independence (in terms of making his own meals, doing his own laundry etc)?

Sounds a bit like everything has become a battle against doing things because 'mum says'. He might need to take some more responsibility for himself to feel a bit more self-determined.

I remember those days well. It does get better

Just a few suggestions you might like to try...

Give him warning of what will be happening, i.e. we need to leave for shopping in half an hour, so you will need to be dressed and ready to go then. Say to your son something like 'If you help me with the shopping we will be finished quicker and then I thought we could go to xxx, do yyy or meet up with zzz'. So he has something nice to look forward to.

If his bedroom needs tidying, say in the morning - we will be tidying up your bedroom this afternoon and will be doing it together. If you tidy up xxx and I sort out zzz we'll soon have it finished. We're a great team when we work together...

Do some nice things together, show him how to cook a simple dish, play a game together, go to something your son enjoys together. Take the emphasis from the negative things about him.

@reefedsail probably not as much exercise as usual over the holidays. Dog walks at best. But even getting him to do that is painful and takes longer than the walk to get him to go. He can make a sandwich and is happy to be fair. But he doesn't do any washing as yet. I do think I need to get him to be more independent somehow as you say. It will all change again when he's back at school I'm sure.

@ScrambledEggForBrains that is good to know!

Best to try to keep as cool and calm as possible, otherwise it turns into a Spy Vs Spy escalation.

Pick your battles. Tell him what you expect him to do (pick up laundry, get to bed on time, out toys away, take plate to kitchen etc) and agree a ‘reward’ for this - 2p or 5p so that it doesn’t cost a fortune. Also work out what you won’t accept - talking back, bad words, being rude, not going to bed/vetting up on time, not hanging on homework etc and the ‘fees’ for this - take off 10p, 20p.

Write it all down - give him a random ‘I noticed you shared your drink with your sister, 50p in the book’... end of the week, tot it up - now you don’t need to do it for real and can just pretend to do this and make up an arbitrary amount ‘oh I see that’s £1.70 you have got this week’.

It’s about control, boundaries and reinforcement. Never get cross and threaten punishments you cant or won’t follow up on. If he pushes your buttons, smile (through gritted teeth), ‘how odd that you say that/are doing that’ and walk away.

@Chottie I think your point about positivity is good, but in the case of the first two he will literally laugh in my face and run off or say an outright no - even if I take the softly softly approach as you suggest. It's infuriating. I get to the point where the only way to get things done is to stand over him. It doesn't make anyone feel great.

We've just had a nice bedtime story so I feel a bit better now. God I can see how the teenage years might be quite stressful all of a sudden.

It sounds as if becoming a pattern. Although it sounds weird, some kids do prefer any attention, even negative, and it becomes an easy thing for him to obtain as he knows your buttons to press. I've been there!

Think about really dialling down the attention when he defies you - give your instruction, a timescale and a carrot
example
Pick up the toys so I can hoover, I'll set the timer for 10 minutes. When I've hoovered we'll watch a movie.
Be dressed and downstairs in 10 minutes (call out halfway and one minute left). There's waffles for breakfast when you're ready (and if he goes out with nothing a couple of times don't worry, he'll live).

Start by making it very achievable. Make the carrot something that isn't going to affect you if he doesn't get it.

Be breezy and casual about things he hasn't done "Oh dear, we might be late for school now. That's a bit embarrassing isn't it?" Try really hard to avoid the blaming kind of "Now look what you've done you've made us late again"

Make a reward chart for pocket money or screen time. Ignore negative behaviour - use it simply to focus yourself on picking out points to praise.

It will get better, honestly, you just both need a bit of retraining!

@Lordfrontpaw it's the keeping calm bit I struggle with after the nth time of asking for things. I am literally turning into my mother. The reward chart I started a while ago but they are not very motivated by it and it always goes by the wayside. I need to go back though and reinforce it as a basic level of expectation - I think half the issue is my lack of consistency.

@Twillow I need you on speed dial. I do need retraining! 3/5 mornings in the week we leave the house yelling. God knows what the neighbours think...

But what do you do if he just IGNORES the instruction/timescale/carrot? Then what?

I remember reading some advice that said once you start shouting or arguing with a child then you have lost your authority and they know it. So as much as you want to shout try not to. He will only hear 'blah blah blah'. I suggest calmly saying what you need to then nothing and walk away. He's trying to push the boundaries and you losing it is giving him power and he's finding it amusing. It will get better. Hold your breath count to ten etc. Dcs and parents go through phases. It's only temporary if you can nip it in the bud.

I feel your pain. My 9 year old has been diagnosed with adhd and ODD. Every single thing is a battle. If you don’t nail things down he will take them and break them. Constantly lies too, and is so loud.

I’ve made him sound awful, he can’t always help the way he is but he’s exhausting to be around.

It does get better my eldest was like this I was in tears alot I was a single parent to 2 boys then he's 11 now and a joy well most of the time

This is so helpful to read. I thought I'd get flamed. @Babyg1995 have cried several times. He even laughed at me when I was ill the other day which really upset me. My little one is good as good and when I ban screens he ends up being punished too which isn't fair. I do feel like this is a particularly crap phase. It hasn't always been like this, feels quite recent. Hormones?

@BloodyCats it is absolutely exhausting I hear you.

@Turquiose I do feel that I have lost my authority and he sort of taunts me with it. I get to the point where I feel I have NO authority or control over things.

He will ignore your instructions some of the time, quite probably ramp it up to see the effect at first!
Let's say you've asked him to tidy his bedroom - quite a big task. Not one many children enjoy. Rethink the task so he will agree to it. Don't even aim to get it all done. Start with something that will take 10 minutes and you can do together. "Right, let's sort these dirty clothes out togther! Bring them all here and I'll sort them into dark and light"
Choices are really useful too: "Do you want to pick up the dirty clothes or tidy the bed?" "OK, bet you I finish first!" (and let him win!!). "Well done. you're really good at that!"

Your acting skills will come on in leaps and bounds lol!

Is it possible, having a younger one who's good as gold, that he's got a bit miffed with the attention the other child gets? At 9 he's not-quite-baby-but-not-quite-older. He may want to be 'babied' sometimes especially if he had started to be more independent naturally, but not want to show that. Glad you had a nice storytime! Look out for things like messing around in the bath or cooking together that could give you both a laugh and break the tension, especially one on one.

These are all very good suggestions - I need to try and remember and reframe before I go into battle mode...

He's at that point where he still plays babyish games with his brother, but equally pushes me away if I try and cuddle him too much. School absolutely exhausts them so we've had low key holidays but I have to say I think we?are all ready to go back to routine.

If he pushes your buttons, smile (through gritted teeth), ‘how odd that you say that/are doing that’ and walk away.
I love that!
You sound great, honestly, if you'd come back saying oh-that-won't-work-I-couldn't-possibly I'd be worried, but you're up to try different strategies so I have confidence you'll find things that work for you both

It's definitely a hard time my youngest is 9 and as good as gold complete opposite to his brother at the age I would shout and cry alot with it all but things slowly got better I don't remember the turning point it just happened he does still have his moments but that's nothing as we all do and it's normal it was when it was all day every day I couldn't cope with it you will get through it op you have my complete understanding .

Twillow gives good advice about trying (on the outside) to remain blasé about it all. Children do zone out when you shout.

I would let the natural consequences happen a few times. Say he doesn't get dressed and ready in time for school, remain calm, be late, encourage him to explain to the teacher why he is late. 'Sorry Mrs Smith but DS didn't listen very well this morning, he had ample time and encouragement to be here by 8.45. Hopefully tomorrow will be better' disappointed face Peer pressure and external adult pressure might have more of an effect.

Doesn't come down for breakfast after a couple of calls and a few 'I'm going to tidy everything away in sec, last chance'. Tidy it away, no breakfast.

Lots of praise for ANYTHING he does which is positive, but keep it quite casual. 'Thanks for putting your cup by the dishwasher, that's really helpful!'. Try to be a bit of a friend in that sense.

I would also be tempted to ban screens completely for a period of time and let him earn time back for good behaviour in a couple of weeks.

OP we are currently going through similar with our 8 year old. I did wonder if she wanted/needed more 1-2-1 (there are 3 of them and they are only apart at school/nursery)

We , me, DH, DD have spent the last 2 days shouting 😕 she answers back, laughed at me when I fell yesterday and is generally being bratty.

We did all have great fun on the new trampoline earlier and she was laughing away.

Good luck !