I can't stop shouting at my nine year old son

[dontknowdontknow]

I know I am being unreasonable but I am so at the end of my tether. Nine year old son says no to everything, calls me stupid, refuses to do as he is told etc etc. I feel like every conversation we have is some kind of battle. Even getting dressed descends into shouting. I'm exhausted and fed up from banning screens/tv/games and I can't be bothered rewarding/bribing him non stop when frankly he doesn't deserve it. Please tell me this is a phase and I am not completely unreasonable to be losing it on a daily basis??? It's really stressing me out.

Do you have fun with him? Do you feel connected? How much time do you spend doing something fun like watching something together?
How much do you chat?

The main tool that I used was pretending I was being filmed for a documentary that was going to be on tv. I found it very calming.

Another thing I did was praise the smallest thing. It gets to be second nature after a while.
I say sorry if I need to.
And have "it's a phase" on a loop in your head.

This is all such good feedback, love the documentary suggestion. And no I don't always feel a very connected fun mummy. Always stressed and trying to get him to do or listen to stuff. I need to focus on my relationship with him a bit more and let stuff go a bit as you say. It's so hard knowing how far to go. I tend to ban screens for a day max, games a few days and then give in...

Op- you can regain your authority. All is not lost. Remember you have experience and years more than your child. Once you shiwyou mean business he'll be surprised and be happier. Ultimately dcs need boundaries to feel safe. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent far from it but I went through a little phase similar to this when one of mine kept answering back and knew everything. It gets you down doesn't it? It'll get better all of a sudden. Just keep calm it'll phase him! Then he'll get bored of it as he won't be gaining anything from it. Ultimately you're the adult. You just have stay one step ahead.

I think natural consequences can help. Not shouting or giving into demands.

For example before going out say how you need him to help with shopping (for example)maybe he can do something like use that handheld scanner (by boys love that) then if he is good he can choose something in the shop.

Or if going to the park and he will kick off when going home give a warning beforehand that you need to go at X time (he could agree it with you) things like that.

I used to work with children and agreeing expectations in advance was something we would do with a group. But it can work well with DCs at home as well.

And specific praise. For example it was really helpful of you do scan the shopping with me. That was fun wasn't it. Shall we go for a drink somewhere on the way home? Including him in decisions.

Also instead of banning screens and then giving in, try something more moderate such as allowing it for set times. For example we let them on screens for a bit after school before dinner, then off.

Having set routines like that can really help with battles / disputes, without completely banning stuff.

I’ve found the more screen time, the worse the behaviour. Not sure how that helps here but it’s worth remembering that.

I really wouldnt be bribing a 10 year old will buying something if he is "good"
Reasonable behaviour should be expected not exceptional.
The likelihood is that he will either be "good" long enough to get the treat or have a massive kick off if he doesnt get it .
There is another thread ( I know a TAAT !)in aibu about a 9 year old with similar issues.
Some great advice on there.

How much screen time does he get?
My dcs also don’t do well with too much screen time.
Go out more. Tell him I’m advance. In fact ask him for his input and suggestions of where to go.
Give a choice if you need to.
Do you punish him a lot ? I find that creates even more conflict. Back off from punishments and see if that helps.

Ok maybe not buying something if they are good, but more doing stuff they enjoy with them and spending time with them. Being positive I guess.

How was today? I hope you managed to focus on what you did better, rather than blaming yourself when you fall into old habits. You say you feel yourself turning into your mother - that could be worth exploring in your mind?

Much better day today thank you. Although a fair bit of screen time we have all got on better. Tomorrow will have one on one time with him so will helpfully improve... going to take lots of these suggestions on board.

That's great. Don't expect perfection immediately - from either of you! Little steps take you a long way though. Hope you both enjoy tomorrow x

When my DC were real negative PITAs I used to mirror them. So if they screeched, 'No I won't get dressed!' I'd mimic their voice and screech 'Why not? What's wrong with clothes?' It always shocked them to discover how irritating they sounded but it also made it a bit funny and deflected my irritation. (Whinging like they whinge is very therapeutic. Much better than shouting at them. )
I'd also mimic their whinging and whine stuff back at them like 'When you speak to me like this I can't stand it so I am going to have a cup of tea in the kitchen away from the whining. When you want to speak in a normal voice come and find me. This voice is irritating isn't it?' They usually agreed it was horrible to listen to and started speaking normally.