Change in circumstances and losing friends :(

[AmbitiouslyFit]

Hi all,

I hope this doesn’t sound goady..

I come from a background which is quite privileged, as a child I was sent to private schools and had so many connections due to My dads profession (not UK).

Things dramatically changed when I was 9, where my dad suffered a blow and our lifestyle changed completely. But even more so when my parents split and tension between them happened, we ended up in the UK (my mum is from UK) in hostels and council flats.

This is where I formed my friendships which I thought were truly deep and meaningful. I wasn’t used to the down to earthiness of such relationships because I feel we were mixing with upper classes in the country where my dad worked and the dynamics of such relationships are quite superficial. I found friendships without the added pressure of fitting into any expectations quite nice and liberating.

However we struggled as a family. And individually I struggled massively and had to choose between being homeless and enduring ill treatment for a long time. In which I found my friends support to be amazing. And they almost became my family. I don’t want to go through the details of the suffering but I had a lot of people especially my own family members look at me with Pitty thinkng and I was depressed.

Fast forward, and this is where it gets cheesy, I met DH and I guess the feeling of having some stability reignited my motivation to do something about my life. I changed things for the better because I was hoping to have kids and wanted to give them a good life. I started from scratch. I endured much humiliation. I went through infertility as well as issues with respectable accommodation with DH. Lived few years in places I don’t imagine many people would accept... the stress of it all affected me mentally and physically and caused several miscarriages.

But suddenly our circumstances changed, and life had a quick turn for us. We ended up in a nice flat in London, which we are now buying. Have 2 kids which are adorable. It was luck as well as hard work.. but mostly luck in that things just changed for us..

During my time of difficulty I isolated myself from friends as it was quite humiliating to share my personal struggles and I had very little money to even go out with them and it felt difficult having to explain any of that.. I kept in touch by phone..

But when my circumstances changed and I tried to get back in touch with my friends, I feel like they were happy. I told them I had been through difficulty and they understood and were sympathetic..

However when they saw how much life had a sudden turn to the better... I feel that every single one of them changed with me. They’re not even a circle of friends.. some don’t know each other.

I only have one or two friends who remained sinecere. I feel like everyone else has changed to become sooo bitter.

I have become so insecure because I don’t take for granted how life can change and I can lose what I have.. and I don’t want to be alone and friendless.. I am humble I think and I don’t ever judge and my friends know me.. I have gone out of my way to include them in my life and share any positive things with them such as those who are struggling I am always there for them.

I was quite shocked that many who I saw as the sincerest of all are somehow putting me down in many ways. I question where I need to update my relationship with them as to not be coming across as insensitive to their circumstances, but I’m not sure what it is that I’m doing aside from beinf the person I always was..

These people always had better circumstances than me.. I always was happy for them and never resented their positive aspects of life.. I honestly thought they would be happy for me and I’m very hurt to see that many many of the supportive people in my life dropped one after the other.

I’ve become very insecure about being myself with anyone. Even though this used to be the one thing I always got told I’m loved for, my friends loved me becshse I wasn’t fake and I was myself and down to earth.

I feel I can’t be myself anymore. I feel sooo rejected and soo alone. I feel so insecure about meeting anyone or making any real friends because I feel I don’t understand or trust friendships anymore.. I feel there must be something wrong with me but I also know that deep down I meant well and I never meant to hurt anyone..

My life is great. I have a good looking and kind DH. 2 beautiful kids after infertility issues. A very nice flat. But I lost all my meaningful friendships and relationships which were once all what I had and meant the world to me.

I’m not even a millionaire or someone who won the lottery. I’m just, no longer struggling. We are in debt but have a stable home.. we are skint most of the months but aren’t poor like before. I just am in a position where I don’t need to rely on anyone and can have a decent living. That’s it. It actuallt sucks I had no one to rely on for years not even in teenage years, I just learnt to accept it and move forward and build something for my kids so they don’t feel abandoned. That’s it. To many people this is just the norm.. but to my friends they knew me before and they can’t accept the big change I feel.

My friends had a stable home all along.. weren’t even poor.. so it’s not like their circumstances are bad and I’m highlighting that for them. They have normal lives and I just am a bit better in one aspect of it.. my problems are still the same but don’t affect me as much because I moved forward and built things for myself from scratch.

I don’t know why everyone’s so different to me. They seem intimidated by me. They like me but looking for ways to set me back and undermine me and throw in some digs. I’m shocked with them all. It’s like they’re competing with me and perhaps I wasn’t much competition before? Is that why I made many friends becshse I was not a threat ? I feel like I never really had true friendships and perhaps it was all about how they felt about themselves being surrounded by me and my non confident self? But to be fair they were friends with me before they knew my personal issues and I only opened up to very few at that time. But maybe my personality changed and became more confident?? I don’t know

Or am I missing something. I probably just never really knew how to make friends.

Sometimes I honestly don’t know whether I was happier back when I was struggling or now. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just want to see whether I make sense to someone and get to the bottom of what’s going on with my friendships and if this resonates with anyone.

I’m now quite insecure about friendships I feel I don’t want to meet anyone as I’m scared my circumstances is rubbing them the wrong way.

I don’t feel supported by them for sure I feel they’re looking for ways to point out my flaws when I never do this to anyone.

I had a rough time recently and I found no one by my side everyone was looking to feel better about themselves and put me down.

Maybe I’m an idiot and deserve it but I’m just trying to see if this resonates with anyone and Perhaps this does happen when people’s circumstances change from miserable to functional :S. If so, how ugly of humanity.

That sounds difficult. Just trying to think of it from the friends' point of view, perhaps they felt rejected when you cut contact with them and won't go back to being friends.

I'm sure you had good and sensible reasons but they might not see it like that?

It doesn't always work when you get back in touch with someone.

I am not sure if that’s the case because even my own relatives are resentful in the same way and these people were part of my life all along still. Pretty much same attitude of trying to put me down.

Also many of these friends were the ones to get back in touch with me. They were in touch by phone but I was just not sharing personal details if that makes sense as it was a bit overwhelming for a while. But when we were back in touch we were back like before.

It’s onlt when they meet my husband or kids or visit my house is when I see their attitude towards me change and I think they probably think I didn’t deserve all the support they gave me or something and that I was just ungrateful for the life I have. I am very grateful but this all suddenly happened for me just a year and half ago.

I don’t know maybe I offended them without noticing..

Way too long . Can someone pls summarise?

In one breath you describe how incredibly happy you are with your “good looking” dh and “adorable” children

In the next - how unhappy and lonely you are

In was a very convoluted way of saying you went from affluent to poor and now you are comfortable. And you feel your friends aren’t happy for you.

I suspect that it is your insecurity and anxiety telling you this.

Some friendships are formed from shared circumstances. Your circumstances have changed.
Tbh you ddnt want to see them when you had no money. They dont want to see you now you do
You say you were.motivated by embarrassment. I expect they are too.
Tbh I stopped.reading your OP, partly because it was unnecessarily long but mostly because you said you were.humble.
Anyone who tells you how humble they are, needs to do some serious self reflection.

How did your circumstances suddenly change?

Part of growing up is evolvong through different circumstances - you may retain some friends, others you loose touch with or no longer have things in common with.
Particularly if you moved about from one country to another as a child, who your friends where when you were eight or nine is unlikely to have much bearing on your life today (other than that forced changes and having to make new friends as a child may have given you more preparation for doing the same as an adult).

My life is great. I have a good looking and kind DH. 2 beautiful kids after infertility issues. A very nice flat
Is this the way you speak to your friends?

There's a lot about others giving you support in your posts, have you provided much support for others ?

Sounds like you maybe rubbed them up the wrong way

A - ditching them when you were embarrassed of your situation

B - coming back when everything had turned around for you

C - going on about how good things are now for you

1 - have you ever considered that maybe they are struggling more than it seems on the face of it?

2- have you ever asked them?

3 - do you know how it feels like to be ditched and then picked back up at someone’s convenience

You won’t find much help here. There are too many people that will pick apart your sentences and make you feel worse.

Hopefully in time you will make some new friends. Perhaps as you grow as a person, you may be growing apart from some friendships and you may be associating it with your circumstances and that may not be the reason.

I wish you luck and hope you find some happiness.

Maybe they haven’t turned their backs on you because your circumstances have changed. It’s more likely to be because you haven’t really been in touch for 2 years. I’d be wary of getting too friendly again with someone like you as I’d wonder if you were going to distance yourself again for a couple of years...

Some possibilities:
They may have interpreted it as you coming back to brag about your wonderful life.
By changing you have upset the dynamics of the group as youre no longer the least successful.
You've outgrown them or vice versa. Do you have any common interests or just common history?

Heres what I learned in psychology tjis week: when we describe our own actions we focus on the environment's effect on us. When observers describe our own actions they focus on the person. So while you say your circumstances have changed, I bet your ex friends will say that you have changed.

I guess you need to chalk it up to experience and move on. Find new friends. And maybe get some sort of therapy because you dont sound the most confident of souls. Or is it just because this has really knocked your confidence?

do you know how it feels like to be ditched and then picked back up at someone’s convenience

Exactly this.

It’s a bit arrogant to assume they don’t want to be around you because you think you’re doing well for yourself.

You never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. They could be having a hard time themselves. They could have missed you as a friend and felt abandoned. They could be having fertility issues and not want to be around you gushing about your children.

PS your OP is way too long. I didn’t make it to the end.

Unfortunately sometimes life gets in the way and we loose and make friendships along the way. They may have taken your step back as a rejection, they may be going through difficult times or they may just be busy. I probably wouldn't overthink the ones you lost and be happy with the ones you kept. Maybe you will now make new friends.

When I moved into my current flat, after living more than 10 year in a tiny and freezing cold bedsit, a close friend came to see it. She went on and on about how lucky I was to have such a nice flat. She used the word 'lucky' half a dozen times. In fact I'd worked bloody hard in a dull job and nearly bankrupted myself, buying the flat. She then started criticising things: the colour of the curtains I'd chosen, the type of lighting. She suggested the area might be dangerous. She was quite clearly resentful and envious and shortly after this she dumped me altogether. Sounds as though this is the problem with your friend. I'd just find new friends.

Not the same by a country mile but when I was going through awful health issues it impacted my mental health so I secluded myself away from all of my friends. I didn’t drop contact completely but basically stopped going out, sporadic communication equally initiated by me and friends, but when I finally got out of the other side of the illness and got back out into the world I was not surprised to find it had continued spinning whilst my life had been a sort of frozen haze for over two years. So the friends who had previously been very close, had moved on too, I contacted them, I apologised for the situation that lead to our friendships coming to a close and have left it there. One or two were happy to carry on from where we left off and that was unexpected, but my oldest dearest friends had continued life as normal and it’s natural that meant that I no longer had a part in it, because I’d chosen to remove myself whilst I sorted my crap out.

It’s not personal I don’t think, it’s just life, I’m glad you’re out of your rut and things are going well for you OP, get out there and start fresh and good luck

I'm surprised you remember much of your privileged background--it ended when you were so young.
Your story sounds a bit rich girl, poor girl.
Anyway, life gets in the way for people. You've been busy with two kids, they've been busy with their lives. People grow apart.
Do you have a new social, support network?

My immediate thought was also that you dropped them and then picked them back up when it suited you. Maybe they really needed you in that time? Or perhaps they don’t understand why you went so cold and are now back expecting things to be how they were.

By changing you have upset the dynamics of the group as youre no longer the least successful

This is what went through my head as well.

If they had an issue with you vanishing then reappearing they wouldn't have come back into your life, so the idea they are vexed cause you 'ditched them' doesn't make sense at all.

Do u talk about how great your life is? If so, that could rub them up the wrong way. If they didn’t know about your struggles before why are they suddenly jealous?

i think they are intimidated by me

This seems a bit unlikely if, as you say, you all formed such deep and meaningful relationships that you were like family. Is it possible that instead they are feeling (correctly, from the tone of much of your post) that you are looking down on them a little bit, now that you have moved on and once more have your happy life, complete with ‘good looking husband, nice life, and kids’

What have they actually done?