Hi all,
I hope this doesn’t sound goady..
I come from a background which is quite privileged, as a child I was sent to private schools and had so many connections due to My dads profession (not UK).
Things dramatically changed when I was 9, where my dad suffered a blow and our lifestyle changed completely. But even more so when my parents split and tension between them happened, we ended up in the UK (my mum is from UK) in hostels and council flats.
This is where I formed my friendships which I thought were truly deep and meaningful. I wasn’t used to the down to earthiness of such relationships because I feel we were mixing with upper classes in the country where my dad worked and the dynamics of such relationships are quite superficial. I found friendships without the added pressure of fitting into any expectations quite nice and liberating.
However we struggled as a family. And individually I struggled massively and had to choose between being homeless and enduring ill treatment for a long time. In which I found my friends support to be amazing. And they almost became my family. I don’t want to go through the details of the suffering but I had a lot of people especially my own family members look at me with Pitty thinkng and I was depressed.
Fast forward, and this is where it gets cheesy, I met DH and I guess the feeling of having some stability reignited my motivation to do something about my life. I changed things for the better because I was hoping to have kids and wanted to give them a good life. I started from scratch. I endured much humiliation. I went through infertility as well as issues with respectable accommodation with DH. Lived few years in places I don’t imagine many people would accept... the stress of it all affected me mentally and physically and caused several miscarriages.
But suddenly our circumstances changed, and life had a quick turn for us. We ended up in a nice flat in London, which we are now buying. Have 2 kids which are adorable. It was luck as well as hard work.. but mostly luck in that things just changed for us..
During my time of difficulty I isolated myself from friends as it was quite humiliating to share my personal struggles and I had very little money to even go out with them and it felt difficult having to explain any of that.. I kept in touch by phone..
But when my circumstances changed and I tried to get back in touch with my friends, I feel like they were happy. I told them I had been through difficulty and they understood and were sympathetic..
However when they saw how much life had a sudden turn to the better... I feel that every single one of them changed with me. They’re not even a circle of friends.. some don’t know each other.
I only have one or two friends who remained sinecere. I feel like everyone else has changed to become sooo bitter.
I have become so insecure because I don’t take for granted how life can change and I can lose what I have.. and I don’t want to be alone and friendless.. I am humble I think and I don’t ever judge and my friends know me.. I have gone out of my way to include them in my life and share any positive things with them such as those who are struggling I am always there for them.
I was quite shocked that many who I saw as the sincerest of all are somehow putting me down in many ways. I question where I need to update my relationship with them as to not be coming across as insensitive to their circumstances, but I’m not sure what it is that I’m doing aside from beinf the person I always was..
These people always had better circumstances than me.. I always was happy for them and never resented their positive aspects of life.. I honestly thought they would be happy for me and I’m very hurt to see that many many of the supportive people in my life dropped one after the other.
I’ve become very insecure about being myself with anyone. Even though this used to be the one thing I always got told I’m loved for, my friends loved me becshse I wasn’t fake and I was myself and down to earth.
I feel I can’t be myself anymore. I feel sooo rejected and soo alone. I feel so insecure about meeting anyone or making any real friends because I feel I don’t understand or trust friendships anymore.. I feel there must be something wrong with me but I also know that deep down I meant well and I never meant to hurt anyone..
My life is great. I have a good looking and kind DH. 2 beautiful kids after infertility issues. A very nice flat. But I lost all my meaningful friendships and relationships which were once all what I had and meant the world to me.
I’m not even a millionaire or someone who won the lottery. I’m just, no longer struggling. We are in debt but have a stable home.. we are skint most of the months but aren’t poor like before. I just am in a position where I don’t need to rely on anyone and can have a decent living. That’s it. It actuallt sucks I had no one to rely on for years not even in teenage years, I just learnt to accept it and move forward and build something for my kids so they don’t feel abandoned. That’s it. To many people this is just the norm.. but to my friends they knew me before and they can’t accept the big change I feel.
My friends had a stable home all along.. weren’t even poor.. so it’s not like their circumstances are bad and I’m highlighting that for them. They have normal lives and I just am a bit better in one aspect of it.. my problems are still the same but don’t affect me as much because I moved forward and built things for myself from scratch.
I don’t know why everyone’s so different to me. They seem intimidated by me. They like me but looking for ways to set me back and undermine me and throw in some digs. I’m shocked with them all. It’s like they’re competing with me and perhaps I wasn’t much competition before? Is that why I made many friends becshse I was not a threat ? I feel like I never really had true friendships and perhaps it was all about how they felt about themselves being surrounded by me and my non confident self? But to be fair they were friends with me before they knew my personal issues and I only opened up to very few at that time. But maybe my personality changed and became more confident?? I don’t know
Or am I missing something. I probably just never really knew how to make friends.
Sometimes I honestly don’t know whether I was happier back when I was struggling or now. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just want to see whether I make sense to someone and get to the bottom of what’s going on with my friendships and if this resonates with anyone.