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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish newborns did read the flipping books

36 replies

TowelStripes · 04/01/2020 10:13

I was so hoping for an easy going second child. Small age gap, energetic and tantrum throwing toddler. Everyone said the 2nd one is easier and just 'slots in'.

So not the case! I bought a book about a routine with a baby and toddler. Including when to pump and feed, how to get them napping at the same time in the afternoon so I could get some down time. How to sort out the day and night. How to get a long stretch of sleep between midnight and 6am.

When I moan to my husband that the baby is following zero routine - feeding in 5 min slots sometimes every hour, sometimes every 2. Needing a nap an hour after a long stint first thing... He just says what you lot will all say: fourth trimester, babies don't read the books. While I know this to be true, and need to just learn to go with the flow and stop wasting energy getting stressed by it, I just can't stop trying to follow the advice in these books! Then I get anxious it's not working when the experts assure me it should.

Does anyone manage to follow newborn routines and if not, what the fig are these 'experts' banging on about?

How do people cope with no sleep with 2 under 18 months?

Why don't babies read the frigging books!

Try as I might, I cannot increase the feeding sessions. Stripping him off, skin to skin, changing nappy, tickling him, changing positions. None of it works. He just either keeps his mouth shut and stares at me, or holds my nipple in his mouth gormlessly 🤣

Then he wants more in an hour!

Help me, tired second time mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

TowelStripes · 04/01/2020 10:18

I thought I deactivated the voting

OP posts:

sh13 · 04/01/2020 10:31

Don’t read the books they make you feel crap your not doing anything wrong you know that really , just try an power through until they start sleeping abit better

toomuchtooold · 04/01/2020 10:50

Hard to go with the sodding flow when you're getting about twn minutes' sleep though eh. Your DH's response should be "give me the baby and go and have a rest".

I was quite focused on getting a routine because I had twins, but even then, it took time. Not effort, just time. At about 8 weeks they had both copped in about day and night (I've read that you can speed that up by making sure they are outside and see full daylight at about 8-9am) and then about 12 weeks they started going down for a long sleep consistently at about 7pm and only waking for feeds till about 7am. At about 17 weeks the feeds slowed down from every 2-3h to every 4 hours at night. At that point they could be kept awake to nap "by the clock" as well so that's about the time there was really a routine - they woke at 7, napped 9-10, 12-2, 4.30-5.30 and then bed at half 7. I read the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth - it's a bit of a brick but I found it good because rather than giving hard and fast rules he just described the range of sleep behaviour he saw as a paediatrician - some kids need more sleep, some need less, some drop naps early some late, that sort of thing. It's all a matter of just nudging them into convenient sleep habits. Not at 2 months though, IDK what babies it is that can cope with a routine at that age but not mine!

RoyalChocolat · 04/01/2020 10:53

I have 4, and I found going from 1 to 2 was the hardest. It does get better eventually. Good luck...

HowDoIhelp321 · 04/01/2020 11:01

I have three and none of them fed longer than 5 minutes.
I have a super fast letdown so they were flooded with milk suddenly and not over 30-60 mins like books would have me believe.

It also meant colic and reflux but that's another story.

I was you this time last year, juts has baby number 3.

I swore I wouldn't co-sleep, we would have a routine and he would sleep well.

I read books, paid for sleep routines and even spent hundreds on a sleep consultant.

I followed all the rules to the letter and nothing worked.

He couldn't follow a day routine until 3+ months but when he did - it helped.
Younger than that was just a no-go. I ended up crying and stressed trying to force him into a man-made routine from a book/website.

1 year on it's easy. Nights aren't but I've tried my best and it won't be like this forever.
I don't envy you, I hate the newborn bit.

Annafs · 04/01/2020 11:08

As a HV and children’s nurse I can confirm that there is no such thing as routine anytime soon and that nobody’s babies are doing what these books say they should. My professional advice is to throw them away! Every baby is different and every situation is different. Accepting you’ll have less stress if you do what the baby wants to do (rather than try to make him do what you want him to do!) is the key to happiness imo. w

SheilaBruce · 04/01/2020 11:15

CBeebies is your friend right now.

Original poster

TowelStripes · 04/01/2020 11:17

To be fair to my husband, he is mainly dealing with the full on toddler and does have the baby as much as he can. Trouble is, the baby is pretty unsettled and screams unless I'm holding him. We've tried that sheep thing that plays mothers womb sounds, hot water bottle in the crib, sleepyhead, muslin I've been wearing under my top all day. Husband goes back to work in 3 weeks (had 2 months off SPL) and I'm bricking having both of them on my own. The toddler is also extremely clingy and seems to have started waking in the night again herself (imagine 18 month sleep regression and bit of general regression because of the baby?).

The babies should know that the routine will make it easier for us all fgs! I'm only half joking 🤪

Weight gain is good (although not been weighed since day 5 but is clearly a big lad and doing well) and lots of wet and dirty nappies. Perhaps 5 min feeds is fine then?

@HowDoIhelp321 - I'm wishing these newborn months away at the minute!

@toomuchtooold - fingers crossed mine starts getting it in a few weeks. He is only 5 weeks and I think I'm just at peak sleep deprivation and stressing.

I'm even tempted to drop hundreds on a osteopath which in my heart or hearts I know is unlikely to do anything. Just desperate!

OP posts:

SheilaBruce · 04/01/2020 11:17

Annafs, bit harsh telling OP to throw the babies away!

BertieBotts · 04/01/2020 11:17

Try the second child book by Sarah Ockwell Smith instead. Much more reasonable and less rigid.

BertieBotts · 04/01/2020 11:18

I've heard the first year with two is just survival. After that you can start to take stock. Hang in there!

ememem84 · 04/01/2020 11:23

Similar situation here. Dd is now 5 months and ds is now 2. But for a while she would not get in a routine. It was all I wanted. Which is probably why she didn’t do it.

Now I can sort of plan my day around naps and feeding (Shes formula fed so a bit easier as it doesn’t always have to be me who feeds her). But initially it was tough.

my2bundles · 04/01/2020 11:26

Just remember these books are wrote by people who just want to sell books. Just do what works for your children, this will pass.

KittenVsXmastree · 04/01/2020 11:36

Sling!
I could wrestle the toddler if baby was attached to me. Ditto follow round park, push in swing....

Cant help with the sleep - mine improved when baby arrived, as DH HAD to do all the toddler wakings, and the newborn slept better than his older brother

WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/01/2020 11:54

3 under 5 here, youngest 3 months. I've never been a routine follower and always been happier that way than if I was trying to force them into an unnatural routine.

I cosleep safely with the newborn and breastfeed. If I didn't cosleep I wouldn't sleep at all.

Throw the books away. Being tired is part of being a parent.

Original poster

TowelStripes · 04/01/2020 12:07

There's being tired, and then there's being so sleep deprived you can't safely function though!

Also, it's not just about it affecting me. The fact he isn't feeding and sleeping with any rhyme or reason, means I feel that I'm ignoring my toddler and that's not fair on her and that he is feeding for such short periods, I'm worried there's an issue with my son (tongue tie grown back, some digestive issue or something).

I think if I was totally confident that there was nothing wrong and he allowed me time to talk and play with my daughter while he had decent naps after satisfying feeds, then I could cope with long nights and being tired.

OP posts:

bondbaby · 04/01/2020 13:24

@TowelStripes I feel your pain! 22 month old and 3 month old here and I am at the end of my tether! I'm not a crier usually but I'm in tears at least once a day at the moment, it's just so frustrating. I'm lucky that toddler generally sleeps through and baby will do at least a 4-5 hour stretch at night but she absolutely REFUSES to nap during the day. I actually can't believe how long she stays awake. The only way to get her off is to take her into a dark room with loud white noise and stand and rock her for half an hour. After that, if I remain completely still (definitely no sitting down) she will sleep on me for an hour or so. My back is ruined. But I can only do that when my partner is at home to feed/play with and generally look after toddler. Honestly I'm so miserable, can't get anything done, feel like my toddler hates me and I'm wishing away my baby's early months hoping things will improve. Sending you solidarity!

mysmidgey · 04/01/2020 13:36

I feel for you both, I'm in the newborn stage atm. He's sleeping fairly well though has some tummy issues.

@bondbaby I have a rocker napper that vibrates and plays white noise. Have you tried something like this? Or a carrier?

mysmidgey · 04/01/2020 13:38

@TowelStripes could you mix feed? My baby was doing similar with the snack feeding. Paediatrician recommended 2 bottles of formula a day for my sanity.

tillytrotter1 · 04/01/2020 13:40

I seriously don't understand why people read these books at all, such a waste of time and a money maker for their writers. Just get on with it.

MelroseHigginbottom · 04/01/2020 13:44

All I can say is I wish you luck OP! In summertime I will have a newborn and a 15 month old and I hope this one is studying parenting books in my womb

bondbaby · 04/01/2020 13:49

@mysmidgey she will sleep in the carrier but only really if I'm continuously walking at quite a brisk pace-just pottering around the house with her in it doesn't work unfortunately.

I was just thinking about one of those vibrating rockers today actually! I think it might suit her but who knows? I'll look around for a second hand one.

@TowelStripes sorry for hijacking your thread-I was on the verge of posting my own and was just so relieved to read that someone else was in the same boat!!

Piixxiiee · 04/01/2020 13:50

Oh I remember that feeling! Its exhausting. Had to just give up on routine for baby a d he had to fit in with toddler. We coslept with him otherwise no one would have slept. I fed completely on demand a d ended up combi feeding too.
It gets easier xx

CigarsofthePharoahs · 04/01/2020 13:51

I think my youngest had read the book, at least the chapter on sleep regression anyway. He had all of them.

bondbaby · 04/01/2020 13:54

@tillytrotter1 Nice empathy there tilly. I think most people are aware that the authors of the books aren't doing it solely out of the goodness of their hearts. Maybe they're buying and reading these books because they have just been 'getting on with it' but they feel desperate / miserable / overwhelmed and need some support or reassurance?

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