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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

47 replies

Aliyah30 · 04/01/2020 02:38

Me and my boyfriend found out we was pregnant not long ago, I’m 16 and he’s 19. His mom keeps pressuring him to get his own place and for me to move in with him with the baby. I’ve explained that I wanna stay at home with my mom, at least then I know I’ve got full time support and help. My mom has offered my boyfriend to move in and he agreed, but his mom still won’t stop nagging him to get his own place. We both agreed that it would benefit us dramatically if we stayed with my mom until we saw ourselves ready to get a place, but she keeps on insisting I move in with him. I’m just not ready for that.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 04/01/2020 02:47

The upheaval of a baby is more than enough. You should stay wherever you feel comfortable and have support. Does he tend to give in to his mother in general?

Apileofballyhoo · 04/01/2020 02:49

Do what's best for you. His DM doesn't get a say. Your body, your pregnancy, your baby, your child. Start as you mean to go on.

candycane22 · 04/01/2020 02:52

No stay with your mum. Get help with the baby while you finish your education. Then you will be able to get a job when the baby starts school. This means you will not be reliant on boyfriend or benefits.
At 19, is your boyfriend not still in education? If working would he be on a high enough wage yet to support rent, you and new baby?

ForkThis · 04/01/2020 03:00

Stay with your mum if she’s happy with that. Statistically, your relationship is not likely to last anyway. A baby is going to put a massive strain on the both of you.

Is your mum ok with being “full time help”? This is your child and your responsibility, not hers.

DreamsAboutSummer · 04/01/2020 03:13

I cannot understand how rude and insensitive you must be to say "Statistically, your relationship is not likely to last anyway." to a pregnant 16 year old!!! That's such an awful and untrue thing to say! I have family and friends who became a couple younger than @Aliyah30 is, and they're still haooy together 30 years on!!! As I was unable to tag @ForkThis I'm guessing there's already been a name change to avoid the backlash...

My advice would be to stay with your mum, at least until you feel like you'd like to move out and get your own place!

puds11 · 04/01/2020 03:14

Definitely stay with your mum. The support will be invaluable.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 04/01/2020 03:21

What do you mean, unable to tag? You just did!

ForkThis has made a factual observation, which is highly relevant to the OP. There is not going to me a backlash of mumsnet. We're women aged from 16 to 80, and we know that it's not an untrue statement.

ForkThis · 04/01/2020 03:34

Which bit was untrue? It was a simple fact. And completely relevant as I wouldn’t recommend moving in with someone at 16 for a relationship not likely to work out. She will more than likely end up having to go home again, with all the stress that moving entails.

eaglejulesk · 04/01/2020 03:43

Why people cannot keep their unhelpful unpleasant comments to themselves is beyond me!

NearlyGranny · 04/01/2020 03:53

Your bf is 19 and perfectly capable of telling his DM that what she suggests is not going to be happening. I think your idea is much more sensible.

His DM may well feel she will find it more difficult to spend time with the baby if s/he lives at your DM's place. She's probably right, too, but none of this is about her, is it?

You have made up your minds what you're doing and the main thing from your point of view is not being aggravated by his DM's persistent talk and persuasion. Why not let him step up and handle it himself without needing to moan to you about it all the time? You don't need to hear about it; he needs to deal with it.

Gratefulfor3 · 04/01/2020 04:13

The first thing you will realise as a new mum is that everyone can't help but give you advice whether you ask for it or not. I found this really difficult at first but once you start asserting yourself with everyone the less chance they will continue to do it. You will need courage and strength to do this but it will be worth it! Good luck!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 04:18

Honestly you're doing the right thing in sticking to your guns.

Your boyfriend can just say to his mom
"I know you're giving your advice with the best of intentions but I need to do what's right by Aliyah, and at the moment she wants to stay with her mom so I will respect that. It's important that we use my wages (he presumably works) towards things for the baby, too, as I know it's not cheap."

Have your parents met? I wonder if his mom worries about being pushed out by yours. May also be something to consider.

DreamsAboutSummer · 04/01/2020 04:25

@JamieVardysHavingAParty, @ForkThis, to say "Statistically, your relationship is not likely to last anyway." is untrue and definitely NOT a fact for everyone, as I have already said, I have friends and family who were younger than @Aliyah30 is now when they became a couple, and 30+ years later they are all still happy in their respective relationships, so perhaps you should keep your negative comments to yourself?

ForkThis · 04/01/2020 04:26

Your anecdotes have no bearing on statistics. Do you know what statistically means?

steff13 · 04/01/2020 05:51

Statistically, your relationship is not likely to last anyway." is untrue

Do you have statistics that prove otherwise?

Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 05:56

@DreamsAboutSummer I dont think really think you understand statistics.

DeathStare · 04/01/2020 06:02

to say "Statistically, your relationship is not likely to last anyway." is untrue and definitely NOT a fact for everyone

But "statistically" means it isn't a fact for everyone.

@DreamsAboutSummer Are the MAJORITY of the people you know who are (for example) in their 40s/50s/60s/70s still with their boyfriend/girlfriend from when they were 16? If not, then even in your experience what @ForkThis said is correct.

DreamsAboutSummer · 04/01/2020 06:07

I know what statistics are, I work with them as part of my employment, and they are subjective, not facts.

@deathstare yes actually, so he's not correct 🤷🏼‍♀️

Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 06:08

If you work in statistics then you know that one persons experience doesnt always match.

DreamsAboutSummer · 04/01/2020 06:09

And he also said
Which bit was untrue? It was a simple fact

Statistics aren't facts

DreamsAboutSummer · 04/01/2020 06:11

I don't work in statistics, but I work with them as part of my employment. Huge difference.

MsChatterbox · 04/01/2020 06:15

No you're not overreacting. As a pp said, many people will try to give advice as if that is the only way that things should happen. Your boyfriend needs to say what an above pp suggested (doing what is right by you) to his mum. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/01/2020 06:17

I know what statistics are, I work with them as part of my employment, and they are subjective, not facts.

Well you may work with them but you clearly don’t know what statistics are. Here is the dictionary definition of statistics.

‘Statistics are facts which are obtained from analysing information expressed in numbers, for example information about the number of times that something happens.’

Statistics are facts, not subjective opinion.

PixieDustt · 04/01/2020 06:23

Congratulations on your pregnant and stay where you feel comfortable.

So many of you are turning on dreams and you are all appearing to look like a bunch of playground bullies. Pathetic.

PixieDustt · 04/01/2020 06:24

Pregnancy*

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