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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

47 replies

Aliyah30 · 04/01/2020 02:38

Me and my boyfriend found out we was pregnant not long ago, I’m 16 and he’s 19. His mom keeps pressuring him to get his own place and for me to move in with him with the baby. I’ve explained that I wanna stay at home with my mom, at least then I know I’ve got full time support and help. My mom has offered my boyfriend to move in and he agreed, but his mom still won’t stop nagging him to get his own place. We both agreed that it would benefit us dramatically if we stayed with my mom until we saw ourselves ready to get a place, but she keeps on insisting I move in with him. I’m just not ready for that.

OP posts:

Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 06:30

So many of you are turning ondreamsand you are all appearing to look like a bunch of playground bullies. Pathetic.

Actually, Dreams started having a ho at someone else, then claimed there was going to be a back lash AND dreams is wrong.

It's very relevant.

PhilCornwall1 · 04/01/2020 06:30

How to derail a thread about statistics!!

The ones arguing about stats could always toddle off and argue amongst themselves elsewhere and let the OP read a thread that gives her advice.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/01/2020 06:38

That’s a lot of pressure and responsibility you’re putting on your mum.
You’re having a baby, much bigger than moving in with someone.

How will you feel if you’re watching your mum be the main parent to your child? I have seen this get sticky so many times to the point I think I agree with your partners mum. It will be very hard for you to assert yourself.

Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 06:46

The part about statistics is relevant to the OP.

It backs up that she is making the right choice for now. If they end up together forever, thata great. But moving in with him makes her even more vulnerable. Beat to take their time where she knows she has support.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/01/2020 07:00

If op gets support great- but that support can soon turn into an overbearing grandparent who won’t allow OP to make decisions about her own child.

That in itself can make someone extremely vulnerable and wreck any sort of relationship OP has with her mother atm.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/01/2020 07:01

Along with making OP feel like an unfit parent because she’s undermined continuously about her decisions.

tallulahhulah1 · 04/01/2020 07:04

As someone who got as a teen and now not with the dad after a short period. Please stay with your mum. Don't feel pressure to move in with the dad, your biggest support system will be your mum and when you have a baby it will count for everything.

I'm not going into the statistics about the likelihood of you staying together but for every "my friends got pregnant at 16 and still together now" there are 10x more like me who broke up shortly after. And I'm well into my 30s now lol

DeathStare · 04/01/2020 11:16

@DreamsAboutSummer if most of the people you know in their 40s/50s/60s/70s are still with the same partner they were with at age 16 (though I suspect this is not true) then you are the exception rather than the rule. @ForkThis was still correct. Most people - by a very long way - do not end up with partner they have when they are 16.

NomNomNomNom · 04/01/2020 11:21

It would be stupid to get your own place at your age with a new baby to contend with. It sounds like you have a supportive mum and you're much better off using her support.

KarmaStar · 04/01/2020 12:03

Hi OP,stay where you feel most supported.Your mom is happy and welcoming you to remain at home so do so.Your bf mum has no say in this so make it plain you are staying at home and don't be swayed.
You and your baby are what is important here.If you are comfortable and your mom is in agreement,reassure her that she will still get to see her dgc and be part of their life.(it's probably fear of being not as loved as your dm by the baby that's at the bottom of all this and if you were in your own accommodation she would see the dgc as much as your mom).
Good luck

Ivyr0se · 04/01/2020 12:12

His Mam is probably thinking that if you did split up he would move back in with her and then his parental responsibility will fall to her when he had access.

In fairness to her, she is probably trying to make him cop on and get more independent.

I don't know where you are located but a 19 year old getting a 16 pregnant is technically statutory rape and he could be prosecuted.

You make the decision that suits you and your baby best and if it is him moving in, ensure that he pays a reasonable rent that if your Mam doesn't need she can save for you.

So many young couples move in together in the family home and still have very little savings to show because they stay in the mindset of someone else pays the bills.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 04/01/2020 13:22

don't know where you are located but a 19 year old getting a 16 pregnant is technically statutory rape and he could be prosecuted.

The UK does not have an offense of "statutory rape", and she does not need to worry about her boyfriend being prosecuted. The age of consent in the UK is 16.

ohwheniknow · 04/01/2020 13:26

Adult man gets a child pregnant and people think that's ok. Grim.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 04/01/2020 13:35

I think now isn't the time or place to be making comments like that to the OP.

Aaliyah30 If your mother is okay with it, I do absolutely think you should stay with her. I don't think that it is in your best interests to move in with your boyfriend.

Ponoka7 · 04/01/2020 13:49

I think most people wouldn't advise someone so young, at the most vulnerable time in their life, to move in with their boyfriend.

If your relationship is good with your Mum, you'd be best placed to stay with her.

Having your first baby is a shock for anyone, at any age. Even easy babies are a shock. It's the 24/7 of it and most people under 20 need a level of support. Or rather, outcomes etc are better if they have support.

Your BY's Mum might be thinking, if you're old enough to make a baby, you're old enough to have your own place. But that isn't necessarily be the best thing for you.

You don't know someone until you live with them and both of you are still growing up and may grow apart. You may not, my DD has been with her DP since they were 17, they are in their 30's.

They didn't have their own place until their mid 20's though.

This forum is very anti families, but extended families can work well.

The pair of you need to tell his Mother that the decision has been made.

Mabelface · 04/01/2020 13:51

Quit arguing about statistics, it's not helpful to the op at all!

Stay with your mum, she's offered support and you'll need it. Your bf's mum has no say in this.

InACheeseAndPickle · 04/01/2020 13:53

I know what statistics are, I work with them as part of my employment, and they are subjective, not facts.

Oh my god statistics are not subjective and you clearly don't work with statistics or understand them. It's not unpleasant to point out that the likelihood of this relationship working is fairly small. That doesn't mean OP and this guy will definitely not last or that they won't both be wonderful parents. It's just making a realistic observation.

It makes much more sense for OP and her partner to have as much support as possible in the beginning. Trying to embark on running their own home together while also having a new baby while so young is putting far too much pressure on themselves. If after a year OP feels confident with her child and in her relationship she could then move out with her partner.

Ponoka7 · 04/01/2020 13:55

@Jellybeansincognito, it's more likely that a 16 year old new mum will be vulnerable living with her adult boyfriend whose never left home before.

@Ivyr0se, not in the UK, 16 is the age of consent. In most other countries, unless the parents want to push it, no charges would be brought.

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2020 14:00

I know what statistics are, I work with them as part of my employment, and they are subjective, not facts.

Oh Lord, what a clown.

Anyway, OP, you are not BU. Do you want your BF to move in though?

travellover · 04/01/2020 14:32

If your mom is happy for you to stay with the baby then defiantly stay in the environment you do feel comfortable in it would be great if your boyfriend could move in too, there's absolutely no rush to get your own place if there's enough room and you're happy. Your boyfriends mom doesn't really have anything to do with it, he's an adult so he choses where he lives. Good luck to you💞

CJsGoldfish · 05/01/2020 01:48

It would be stupid to get your own place at your age with a new baby to contend with
I do find it bemusing that the OP is apparently old enough to have a baby but not to live out of home.

Most people - by a very long way - do not end up with partner they have when they are 16
Thankfully. And it's quite sad, for the most part, when they do.

I agree that you should stay at home. Your relationship is not likely to last and you don't need all the upheaval that would bring if you were playing grown ups in your own place.
You have the chance to continue your education and do all that you can do FOR your child. It would be incredibly stupid not to take it. Good luck OP

Mamatotwo68 · 13/02/2020 07:57

I had my first baby at 22, and I moved back in with my Mum for 6 months, if I’m honest I couldn’t have gotten through it without her help .. I’d stay with your Mum if that’s where you feel comfortable and when you’re ready you can move out x

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