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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

by being angry at my friend’s actions

38 replies

BrummyMum1 · 03/01/2020 23:46

An acquaintance of mine recently had a breakdown after separating from her husband a year ago and has temporarily lost custody of her 3 children. Her ex-husband has been looking after the children and one of my best friends (who’s childless) has stepped in to help with the children (both these women were very good friends).

Fast forward a couple of months and my best friend is now sleeping with this woman’s ex-husband and is convinced he’s “the one”. They’ve told the children and their mother - all who are understandably shocked.

Now this situation is absolutely none of my business but my best friend has been contacting me seeking reassurance that what she’s done isn’t awful.

I think it is awful. The worst part for me (as a mother myself) is the criticism she has unleashed on this poor woman’s parenting skills along with the suggestion she’d be a better mother herself. Also, I can only begin to imagine the devastation the mother is feeling that my best friend continues to see the children while she’s not well enough to freely see them herself.

I don’t want to loose her as a friend but I can’t seem to put aside her actions and continue being friendly towards her. AIBU feeling angry when her actions haven’t directly affected me?

OP posts:
ichifanny · 03/01/2020 23:48

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I couldn’t condone that OP sounds like she conventionally swooped in to rescue him and take advantage of the situation .. horrible .

ichifanny · 03/01/2020 23:48

Conveniently

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2020 23:50

What she has done is utterly appalling. I'm not sure I'd want to stay her friend but I think I'd stay friends with the crappy dad just to keep an eye on the kids.

I wonder what has contributed to her breakdown?

mbosnz · 03/01/2020 23:51

I'd be keeping the hell out of that one. It sounds like there's plenty of shit to fling at all sides.

Stressedout10 · 03/01/2020 23:52

Why would you want to be friends with someone who would do that?

Kanga83 · 03/01/2020 23:55

I would no longer be any kind of friend to that, but would if possible offer support to the acquaintance for hers and her children's sake.

gamerchick · 03/01/2020 23:56

Funny how everyone is blaming her and not him. He seems to be the constant in the whole thing.

Boulshired · 03/01/2020 23:56

I wouldn’t be able to trust a word she says from this point forward. How can you ever talk about each other’s lives without it centring on your other woman’s children.

MissSueDenim · 04/01/2020 00:03

Er... but husband & wife had already been separated for a year BEFORE the breakdown & OP’s friend only got together with the husband a couple of months after that. The wife’s breakdown might not even have anything to do with her ex.

The the friend is guilty of bad mouthing the wife sure, but it isn’t like she’s broken up a marriage.

Original poster
BrummyMum1 · 04/01/2020 00:11

@gamerchick you’re right, the father is to blame definitely. My friend set out with genuine intentions to help with the children. Although I don’t agree with her actions, the father should have done more to protect the children and his ex wife from this mess.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 04/01/2020 00:18

I honestly don’t think either the ex-husband or your best friend have done anything wrong - two single people have got together, that’s all. Was the ex-husband supposed to stay single forever?

I’m not keen on the bad-mouthing of the mother, but assuming your friend is only venting to the people she’s close to and can trust then it’s not awful.

MissSueDenim · 04/01/2020 00:18

the father is to blame definitely

To blame for what though? They’ve been separated for over a year, is he not allowed to move on?

Is the breakdown even anything to do with the ex?

Princessfaffalot · 04/01/2020 00:20

Why have you posted this twice?

MissSueDenim · 04/01/2020 00:22

Yes why have you posted twice? Are you the ex wife?

Original poster
BrummyMum1 · 04/01/2020 00:26

@princessfaffalot and @misssuedenim I’m new to posting on here so posted under the wrong category first (hence 2 posts!)

OP posts:
canijustaskonemorething · 04/01/2020 00:28

Keep out but the husband and the new woman are arseholes and clearly made for each other.

Original poster
BrummyMum1 · 04/01/2020 00:29

@CinnabarRed thank you I needed to hear that. I wanted to see things from all perspectives hence posting on here. I’ve gone from feeling angry to a bit disappointed and feel so much better.

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 04/01/2020 00:34

Skanky Jeremy Kyle style behaviour. I mean, seriously, have some class and find someone who was outside of the whole breakdown and drama. He's nothing but a spoony. The pair of them are skanky. I'd not validate this at all, it's like school in the Summer: no class.

darthbreakz · 04/01/2020 00:36

I think it's a bit of a grey area - marriage already ended so she didn't split them up.

But, it does sound a bit like she had this in the back of her mind when she became super helpful and copping off with your friends ex husband is a bit shit. Especially if your friend has had a breakdown.

Criticising the parenting of a mentally ill woman is also very much below the belt and the way it's presented here sounds like she's effectively transplanting her self into the mother role. Which is never the right thing for a step-parent to do if the actual parent is still around.

And the father shouldn't really be standing for this nonsense either, though maybe he's the reason this poor woman's having a breakdown - or maybe he's just a hapless pawn in your friends game. What's your take on him?

I would think the right thing she could do for these kids is to help them understand that mummy is unwell but loves them very much and is getting better so she can look after them again.

I don't know what you should do - pretty sure I couldn't keep my trap shut and would gently be asking whether she's doing the right thing under the circumstances.

TrueCrimeFan · 04/01/2020 00:36

Completely immoral! I would never date the ex of a friend, particularly as it sounds like they got close when she was "helping",

Original poster
BrummyMum1 · 04/01/2020 00:37

@CinnabarRed although it’s not quite as simple as just two consenting single adults. My friend was very good friends with the mother of the children who confided in her during her divorce.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 04/01/2020 00:39

That's poor behaviour from both the husband and the 'friend'. In terms of 'should he have stayed single forever' he doesn't have a human right to get it on with the nearest woman available, plenty of people survive while being single for over a year, and it would be nice to put his kids first and avoid things that might confuse and destabilise them further. If that's judgemental I don't care.

MorganKitten · 04/01/2020 00:46

Original couple broke up a year ago, I don’t think anyone is in the wrong you can’t help who you fall for. Both were single.

Talkingmouse · 04/01/2020 00:50

This is horrendous for the estranged mum. You should not be facilitating this in anyway.

christmasathome · 04/01/2020 01:01

Take the break down out of this it's essentially a friend falling for another friends ex. Not ideal and she can't expect to keep her friend as a friend after this but some of the venom posted here is unnecessary.

I'm not sure the break down really changes anything as the split happened before the split. If it hadn't then yes the relationship was not appropriate.