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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Headphones during SC time...

40 replies

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 21:19

Sitting watching a movie with sc. Already had a couple words (away from sc!) Regarding "d"h.

He then sits and puts his headphones in while we are all sitting there. Running theme is I am left to look after and engage with them, same with our dd.

It doesn't bother me because I don't want to spend time with sc. I do. It bothers me that DH brings them round to claim parent if the year then essentially leaves them to me. Sticking headphones on while you have company tk me is rude regardless on who it is, add they are your kids you've not seen - surely I am within my position on saying for him to take them out and spend time with us?!

Dh is in general lovely. Works long hours. So I am left with dd a lot. Leaves me exhausted on a friday. I love sc, really do. But when dh isn't pulling his weight with dd to allow me any sense of break - being thrown another two in my window of rest from my own while he sits there with headphones in shutting down annoys the hell out of me.

For avoiding drip feeds - dd has been really ill and crazy clingy to me up until the last couple nights she has gotten back into routine again. So I am appreciating a bit of breathing space from her. I was looking forward to seeing sc, really was. They are brilliant kids. I just didn't want to be left in sole care as if dd would have gone to anyone else bar me for the last week and a half tbh in windows I would have taken that break too. I am pregnant and exhausted through no sleep and a clambering toddler being very upset for over a week.

To see him sitting there and slide headphones in to shut down - when all I want is to shut down for a little recharge felt like the ultimate insult!

OP posts:

Vulpine · 03/01/2020 21:21

Headphones are a little way of saying fuck off. Yanbu

Hahaha88 · 03/01/2020 21:22

He sounds like a "brilliant father"

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2020 21:30

Why does he keep having kids?

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 21:33

Pretty much my mindset. His response was "you're on your phone" I am yes, but I am still engaging. Sticking headphones in completely stops that being a possibility for him.

And tbh, I am not the one who has her kids round tonight. If I want to sit on my phone and unwind for an hour surely I should be allowed that freedom while their dad takes over?

Not that I would do it for the whole period and blank them even if he was engaged. Never would I as I enjoy time with them.

OP posts:

Pumpkintopf · 03/01/2020 21:44

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. You're pregnant and exhausted, he needs to engage with his children!

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 21:50

It's for them I feel most sorry for. But yes, on a selfish level I can't help but feel put out. I've spent a week and a half bar the last couple nights dealing with an ill dd who wouldn't go to anyone and refused to not touch me for fear of a temper tantrum.

If they were "my own" I would have sat and asked for an early night for all. May not have got it - but I would have tried! But that is how desperate a little window of feeling like a human again for me is atm.

Adding two kids that are round to see their dad and naturally excited and nattery - which is lovely. Just to see their dad sitting with headphones while I try and engage and not fall asleep standing. It sucks on all levels

OP posts:

likeafishneedsabike · 03/01/2020 21:51

Oh no, that’s rude regardless of whose children they are!

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 21:57

Thank you! I know I never would feel right doing the same thing with them here. It seems such a distance to put between you.

That said if the general "get on with it" wasn't a regular thing I wouldn't read too much into it. I know with dd sometimes I wish I could do the same! Especially after a long day.

But it is a common thing. I am aware where my problem lies. And it isn't lovely SC.

Reality has slowly shown its ugly head on the role "mothers" should play ever since having dd. At first I found plenty of excuses, before me and exW talked it was easy for him to find excuses and defenses.

Now you step back and look at the clearer picture and wonder wtf you are doing

OP posts:

adaline · 03/01/2020 21:59

He sounds like a shit father to me.

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 22:03

He is and he isn't. I'm not a complete fool and would avoid an awful father like the plague. That said, that is a term in anger I have thrown at him in the past.

He is a loving father. On his own level. Not nearly one that is good enough for what children need. Nor one that is consistent enough.

For someone raised by their father alone he has a strange concept on what a mother "should do" . Be it step or mum.

That said he has moved heaven and earth for his kids. He just needs forcing through his head what is really expected of a parent

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 03/01/2020 22:06

"Fall asleep" he will have to engage then

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/01/2020 22:09

Next time.. put your dd to bed, then head off out to the gym / to visit a friend / to go to the shop. Doesn’t matter what it is, just make sure he has to pull his finger out and actually parent for a bit!

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 22:09

I can't, anytime I have played that before I have woken to a miserable screaming dd cos they get too loud. Dh has terrible indoor voice without monitoring, and naturally sc follow suit

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 03/01/2020 22:17

Sounds like you need to have your shut-down time in a different room for a while OP so he has to engage with all the DC. Of course you shouldn't have to but he can't make you default parent if you're not present. And I'd tell him what you're doing and why as well, see whether the realisation that you've had to do that in order for him to engage with his DC shocks him into action.

If I hadn't seen my DC for a few days I'd have a million questions about what they'd been doing, I don't understand how he can be so disinterested I've been with DH since DSC were little (adults now) and he was nothing like this, he lived for DC coming and made the most of their time together and I'd have been really disappointed in him otherwise tbh. What's his answer if you ask your DH why he doesn't want to interact with them?

SandyY2K · 03/01/2020 22:18

YANBU.

As much as you say he's a good dad, as time develops and his kids get older, they'll realise he really doesn't take much of an interest in engaging with them. It's like he has them come over as a tick box exercise.

Then they too will disengage from him and then he will wonder why after all he thinks he's done, that they can't be bothered with him.

Does he know his kids on a personal level?

Does he know their likes and dislikes? Hobbies? Favourite foods?

They will remember dad having his headphones on and not paying much attention to them.

I hear kids who were in this situation once they've grown up...and it does affect them in life and future relationships.

adaline · 03/01/2020 22:23

Loving fathers don't stick their headphones in and ignore their children

Imagine being a kid who only saw her dad at weekends and he couldn't even be bothered to talk to you - he'd rather stick his headphones on and act like you weren't there.

Go out. Take your DD if you must, but go out and leave him to it.

Stop protecting him.

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 22:25

Separate rooms aren't really an option atm. House is a building site bar bedrooms and lounge while extension is built and dd is still in our room.

Agreed in an ideal world I would love to test him on that. Although I tried once before on taking dd out to lunch (offered same to sc but they chose to stay home) got home to a right mess and being told they needed to be fed! Any usual situation I wouldn't mind but it did make me feel a bit like the help rager than the wife...

Sandy - that is my concern for their sake. And it has started tk show form. Then he will wonder why a text gets ignored or what not. Which in turn means a message I send will be blanked, which is hurtful as even exW admits sc care about me and are aware of all I do. Yet I get tarred with the same brush.

But more importantly, they don't deserve this.

OP posts:

InfiniteCurve · 03/01/2020 22:26

Go to bed.Then he will have to engage.
And if they get too loud wake up and go shout at them to quieten down and then go back to bed.....joke...,well kind of a joke!
And if they wake DD then DH needs to settle her again.
Otherwise you have multiple children and no other adults in the house - if DH is too loud and wakes up his toddler then he needs to deal with that situation.

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 22:27

At this point I'm not intentionally protecting him. Not directly anyway. All my protecting goes towards the kids.

My main concern now is I have a dd and a future child that has two siblings, I want that relationship to exist and last. For all their sakes. They are family.

OP posts:

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 22:28

Dh can't deal with dd. His hours don't allow him to build a bond with her. If she wakes it is up to me cos madame won't allow it any other way

OP posts:

Whatsername177 · 03/01/2020 22:29

You are not being mean if you tell your sc you love them, but you are exhausted and off to bed, then leave them in the capable (but fucking lazy) hands of their dad. He is being selfish and ignoring his kids. Don't put up with it.

PaperbackBlighter · 03/01/2020 22:31

Why does he keep having kids?

Good question.

Would also suggest
“Why do women keep having children with men when they have daily proof that they’re already shitty fathers and can’t parent the children they already have?”

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2020 22:36

Seriously OP. How can you say he's not a shit dad?

Sorry but he really really is and that's just going on the little bit you've told us about him.

Original poster

Arghfudgeit · 03/01/2020 22:37

In my very weak defense pre dd - he had a lot of what seemed viable excuses. I was naive and silly to boot.

Dd came along, I saw issues but issues that needed working through while he adjusted to being a dad more rather than finding excuses.

New pregnancy was planned during a period of him doing better, and my age fearing if I didn't now dd would never have a live in sibling.

Yes I messed up. My children and my step children will live with that. Insults are not needed.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2020 22:38

Hmmm. He knows what he’s doing and he’s taking the piss. Him waiting for you to come and then feed them because he couldn’t be arsed is fucking outrageous. What did you do? Did you tell him to get on with it or did you make them a meal yourself?

An adult who can’t moderate his volume and wakes his toddler is either an idiot or an arsehole. Not sure which is worse tbh.

What would happen if you said, not that you should have to... “I’m exhausted and taking DD to bed then having a lie down. You enjoy the film, everyone keep your voices and the tv down so you don’t wake her”.

Would he understand you’re shattered, need and deserve decent rest, and it was his time with his kids and the tv and chatter have to stay at a sensible level? It’s this very basic stuff that shows you whether or not you’re in a partnership with someone who loves you and to whom your happiness and comfort matter.

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