Headphones during SC time...

[Arghfudgeit]

Sitting watching a movie with sc. Already had a couple words (away from sc!) Regarding "d"h.

He then sits and puts his headphones in while we are all sitting there. Running theme is I am left to look after and engage with them, same with our dd.

It doesn't bother me because I don't want to spend time with sc. I do. It bothers me that DH brings them round to claim parent if the year then essentially leaves them to me. Sticking headphones on while you have company tk me is rude regardless on who it is, add they are your kids you've not seen - surely I am within my position on saying for him to take them out and spend time with us?!

Dh is in general lovely. Works long hours. So I am left with dd a lot. Leaves me exhausted on a friday. I love sc, really do. But when dh isn't pulling his weight with dd to allow me any sense of break - being thrown another two in my window of rest from my own while he sits there with headphones in shutting down annoys the hell out of me.

For avoiding drip feeds - dd has been really ill and crazy clingy to me up until the last couple nights she has gotten back into routine again. So I am appreciating a bit of breathing space from her. I was looking forward to seeing sc, really was. They are brilliant kids. I just didn't want to be left in sole care as if dd would have gone to anyone else bar me for the last week and a half tbh in windows I would have taken that break too. I am pregnant and exhausted through no sleep and a clambering toddler being very upset for over a week.

To see him sitting there and slide headphones in to shut down - when all I want is to shut down for a little recharge felt like the ultimate insult!

My basic argument in life with him is he isn't a shit dad, he just lacks the skill to know parenting is a full time job cos he never saw that growing up or in either relationship he has had involving children.
No excuse. At all. But he lives life happy he didn't starve cos his dad fed him crisps while his dad ate a meal - a story exW collaborates. Apparently a common thing.

His mum left at a young age. So he may love hut he has a confusion on what is decent of a parent

He got a mcdonalds cos I refused to cook. I and the kids were happy with that as a treat.

If I done the bed situation I would hear weak "keep it downs" but it would escalate. Then he would flap while I bitched and moaned me and dd were now awake.

A majority is a lack of self awareness. Still selfishness regardless

You're still protecting him and covering for him.

He is not a good dad. By any stretch of the imagination. You knew that and had children with him anyway.

Now you're raising your DD (and future DC) to see that being a father is optional and that it's okay for you to run yourself ragged while he sits on his arse with his headphones in.

What would you say if this was your DD in twenty years time?

My basic argument in life with him is he isn't a shit dad, he just lacks the skill to know parenting is a full time job cos he never saw that growing up or in either relationship he has had involving children.

He's a grown man.

He knows parenting is a full time job.

This needs talking through at a quiet moment when DSC are gone and DD is asleep. He can only play the 'I had no mother myself' card for so long. Of he wants his family happy and intact he needs to step up or he'll have two ex-wives and be coping with sole parenting four DC on rotation!

You and he need to have a shared and agreed understanding of parental rôles rather than him deciding unilaterally what you should do and leaving you to get on with it.

Definitely unfair.

Does he bellow all the time at work? Why not make his headphones disappear before the next access visit?

I get it. I do. I've fucked up. For all kids. I never saw it until I truly had it thrown in my face.

Don't worry! You haven't fucked up. There are worse scenarios and each set of kids have at least one active loving parent. And it sounds like you and BM are in decent contact. Don't panic!

Take a deep breath. Write down everything you want fixed and then after Everyone has gone to bed sit him down and go over tonight.

Been over the basics a million times. Me and their mum are in complete agreement over it all.

I have been trying to see reason with DH and even explain exW position in things.

We had an incident with dd on. Boxing day which eventually resulted in an ambulance being called via 111 for her.

Rather than explain fully to exW why he was contacting her (to offer her the option of either keeping kids around a little one that ill or having them brought home - either option was find with us. He throws it as an expectation. Then wonders why he received such a blunt response.

Every mum if can be avoided wants to avoid a nasty bug. But on your time don't call expecting it!

All kids are his, all kids are our responsibilty. Yes the decent thing is to let the mum know. I know I would with dd. But don't expect shit.

Just ergh.

How did he cope with them before he met you?! He is being lazy, inattentive, and is risking his future relationship with his kids. Plenty of people have had shit parents, but that makes them even more keen to ensure they dont fall into the same trap.

He sounds totally absent - did he really want DC 3 and 4? Does he think maybe you pushed him into it and therefore it's your job?

Sounds as if you and other mother need to start your own commune and tell him to fuck off.

OP... you may find this interesting. It's lighthearted but its true.

Too many NRP dads wonder why the adult kids don't contact them as I said.

If you are a dad who is in a relationship with the mum...you might get away with not really knowing your kids so well...because your inadequacies are covered up...but as the NRP..you're exposed.

You need to stop making excuses for him. He's a lazy excuse of a dad, and I'm sorry to say that you are facilitating that behaviour.

Op
I kind of understand this. I'm sorry it's this hard.
My DH is in some respects similar; he went to boarding school at the age of 7. He has no idea what parenting involves never being in a family unit. He loves the dc but is too lazy to play with them and I find him on the phone all the time while they rampage. But he's learning and trying harder and getting better as the kids are growing and becoming more interactive.
But I do get it. When they were babies and I was exhausted I wondered what on Earth I had done and how I had chosen so badly.

Dd and dc4 were wanted, yes. I think he is just so used to women picking up his slack he defaults to that being how it should be.

Before me he used to go to his mums eow. I used to put that down to just being close and wanting to spend time together, plus the environment was much nicer (near the sea/beach) . Funny how that stopped being an eow thing though once we lived together and I was involved with his kids!

I find it sad for them and soon I can imagine they'll start not wanting to come. I do my best to kick him up the arse and I do a lot for them, most actually. But I am very aware that despite us all being close I am not the reason they come here! Their dad is.