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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so hurt and upset by this

89 replies

Shaminon · 03/01/2020 20:48

I have had to resign from my job due to what can only be described as impossible management conditions. It felt very like being manoeuvred out of a job. It's been upetting I've got another job to move on to.

It was my penultimate day today. I wanted to make good and leave on a personally positive note as I've worked closely and well for a number of years with my colleagues. I wrote everyone in our small team an individual card to say thank for the time together and left some presents and sent a goodbye email to saying I'd left cards and I wished everyone well as I am not sure who will be there on my last day.

Our team leader wrote a response to this saying my contribution was 'unique' and that I had a 'fun and smiley persona'. It was copied to the whole team.

I really hope that the word 'persona' was a typo for 'personality' as otherwise I'm at a loss as how myself or the whole team are meant to not interpret this as that she is calling me a fake.

Aibu?

OP posts:
HelloViroids · 03/01/2020 22:45

Just coming on to say if it’s someone’s last day in my team, they buy nice (usually pricy) cakes/sweets/snacks etc for the others - definitely usual in some places!

FWIW, I don’t think she is calling you fake, as said upthread I think she just meant your character.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 22:49

Honestly it seems you're really hung up on this and over thinking it looking for negatives, move on. None of them really give a shit, I'm sorry but they don't. Go to your new job and leave it behind.

MoonlightBonnet · 03/01/2020 22:54

Honestly it could be either. She could be sly and giving a very subtle underhand dig to amuse herself. Or you are enormously over sensitive and your reaction to this is the culmination of a series of overreactions which have led to you leaving. We don’t know.

Casmama · 03/01/2020 23:02

I think you are probably reading too much into this as a result of the way you have been treated. She might feel a bit awkward and struggling for something to say if you have not got on well together in the past.

I would go to the exit interview if I were you and be honest. If you are 100% sure you wouldn't work there again then you may benefit those who come after you.

FWIW I left a permanent job this time last year and moved into a contracting role which looks likely to be made permanent so I hope things work out for the best for you too - I am much happier.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2020 23:44

YANBU to be upset but I think the person who wrote that just didn't understand what persona means. Or it was a typo. And maybe some people here do not understand either.

Agree with MostlyChocolate. Re "given up a permanent role and good pension" any point in going for constructive dismissal?

Equanimitas · 04/01/2020 00:00

I read that completely as the poor woman trying to be nice.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/01/2020 00:33

I would have gotten upset at ‘unique” I assume your email version did not have quote marks around it ? If you can understand what she means by being unique and can think of positive examples that she is referring too then I’d think the whole email was perfectly fine
You are being v over sensitive but that’s totally understandable I hope you had good legal advice and union involvement??

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2020 01:37

Think you’re overthinking this.

I wrote everyone in our small team an individual card to say thank for the time together and left some presents and sent a goodbye email to saying I'd left cards and I wished everyone well as I am not sure who will be there on my last day.

And this was definitely excessive.

Original poster
Shaminon · 04/01/2020 02:11

@Butchyrestingface

ODFOD

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaminon · 04/01/2020 02:16

Thank you @Italiangreyhound Flowers

OP posts:
tinyorangegiraffe · 04/01/2020 02:22

I think YANBU, some of those saying you're overreacting have obviously been lucky enough to not work in toxic teams. I left my last job after five years and nobody in my team even came into the office on my last day. I was really upset, especially when it was people from other teams who made the effort to come and say goodbye to me. A message like that from my last boss would definitely not be a grammatical mistake.

But you need to shrug it off, feel the relief that you don't have to work there anymore and go and enjoy your new job!

Creepster · 04/01/2020 02:44

I would have thought that they were implying you were unprofessional if I read that about you as a coworker.

user1473878824 · 04/01/2020 03:02

What a fuss about absolutely nothing.

HannaYeah · 04/01/2020 03:10

I totally understand.

Look, you know her and are probably right that she was being wretched and trying to disguise it. She knows what words mean.

But when I read that you left everyone a personal note I thought “that’s amazing!”

I think you are probably a leader, unforgettable and the kind of person that others truly admire.

Suspect she was taking a swipe at you out of envy and that you noticed and care because you generally care about the world around you.

What I suggest is that you tell yourself she meant it sincerely, and just forget it. Because it’s much better to be wrong about someone’s ill intent than to carry it with you.

Leaving is so hard. Whether you are going they are so lucky to have you, though.

HannaYeah · 04/01/2020 03:11

*wherever!

HannaYeah · 04/01/2020 03:19

Also, if you didn’t already do it, eff the exit interview. Those have never felt good to me, and as a manager I’ve never seen any follow up from HR about what even was discussed in an exit interview of an employee that left.

Also, pretty sure she’s a jerk after reading a bit more. If she’s being awful to you, she’s doing it to others and anyone with more than a pea for a brain already sees it. She made herself look like an ass with that email, not you.

MayLeaveADentInYourSofa · 04/01/2020 03:35

I think it was an odd thing for her to say considering that it is a bullying work environment. You were trying to leave on a positive note and that hasn't happened.

I hope you feel the relief of being out of a toxic workplace and your new job is a success.

Like others have said I do think you have grounds for constructive dismissal. There would be no harm in chatting to an employment lawyer to find out.

Patsypie · 04/01/2020 03:41

I'm sure you have a lovely persona but you come across as a bit deranged and very needy. The bullying thing sounds suspect too. If there's a history of people leaving because of it then where is HR?

PhilCornwall1 · 04/01/2020 05:18

OP, why do you care? You are leaving.

As for buying presents, bugger that. When I quit my last job, I just walked out on the last day, admittedly an hour early too.

MuchBetterNow · 04/01/2020 09:09

Your nasty responses to anyone who suggests you're overthinking or your individual leaving messages speak volumes.

I've worked with people like you. You present as a "people pleaser" but you're actually constantly looking for praise/affirmation and get shirty and upset if you don't get the same amount of excessive and unnecessary attention back from your colleagues who aren't that interested and are just trying to get on with their job.

bluegreygreen · 04/01/2020 09:28

Struggling to see why you think her message suggests that you're being fake.

Your persona - the part of your character that your colleagues see - is described as fun and smiley.

Everyone has different aspects of themselves that are more prominent in different situations - a person is slightly different in work to how they are chatting at home with friends etc. That isn't fake - the context is different so the interactions are different.

And here, a different situation again, you are not coming across as 'fun and smiley'. I know you have been upset by this, which is probably the main reason, but being so rude for no reason (to Butchyrestingface ) is unpleasant.

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2020 09:33

ODFOD

Didn’t take much for the halo to slip, did it?

YABU, I’m afraid

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/01/2020 09:34

Honestly, I think she probably meant this well and your upset at feeling forced out has made you see it differently.

But It's been quite a rocky time when I've been upset in meetings and outwardly cheerful in the office. So I guess 'persona' resounded with me as I felt quite fake but obviously couldn't show how I really felt.

If she did mean it as a persona, she could be referencing this. It does sound like you've put on a persona to cope, and she may well have been complimenting that.

It's unlikely she made a dig at you in an email full of her colleagues. Try to see it like that even if you're convinced that she did... it doesn't sound like somewhere that deserves any more of your headspace.

PhilCornwall1 · 04/01/2020 09:41

Didn’t take much for the halo to slip, did it?

Agreed. To be honest as soon as the OP has walked out of the office for the last time, she will be very quickly forgotten about, that's the nature of people leaving. You either get replaced or work is distributed between the remaining staff.

FeigningHorror · 04/01/2020 09:43

I’m not sure ‘persona’ is inaccurate, given the evidence of the thread — you feel bullied out of this workplace in circumstances you describe as ‘upsetting’, yet you have gone to extreme lengths (gifts, personal notes, email) to present your resignation in a positive light to other people. That suggests a considerable investment in a cheery public persona.

And noting that isn’t an insult. If everyone was their ‘authentic selves’ in the workplace, there’d be war!’