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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a relationship with MIL

36 replies

LittleMermaid14 · 03/01/2020 13:46

Ds is 8 months old and MIL makes absolutely no effort to see him at all. She has only seen him a handful of times and that was only because Dh moaned at her for her lack of effort. She saw him a few times when he was born, then never bothered so Dh moaned at her for it so she invited us up. She said she enjoyed spending time with Ds and would like to do it again soon, arrangements were made, which she cancelled then we we never heard from her again for a while until Dh moaned at her again. It is the same cycle every time. I have invited her round or to come to the park plenty of times, she agrees then cancels at the last minute. I've stopped asking now. She is only a 15 minute walk away, and has only been to see Ds 3 times, and doesn't ask to see Ds or invite us to her house. It really annoys me how uninterested she is considering how much she used to go on about desperately want a grandchild. It annoys me so much I have stopped answering her calls and replying to her messages, Dh thinks I am being nasty. Apparently his mum has me re had a bad word to say about me so I have no reason not to like her. She talks a lot of nonsense and I really can't be bothered listening to it and I'm sick of her saying "I'll come and see yous soon " when she has absolutely no intention. Aibu to not want anything to do with her?

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/01/2020 13:50

I have every intention to see my family more than I do however our lives are very busy and we just don't manage it more than a couple of times a year. How busy is she?

Maybe she's sick of your DH moaning at her.

I didn't think you were nasty until the last bit. Maybe she's picked up on you not listening to her when she speaks. We're not always interested in what people are saying but it's polite to listen.

Yarboosucks · 03/01/2020 13:57

It does rather sound as if she has beaten you to that conclusion!

Given that you hardly have any contact, what is the purpose of your post? Are you going to lay down an ultimatum for your DH?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/01/2020 13:58

I think you are being unreasonable to expect other people to be as interested in your baby as you are.

And it doesn't sound as if either of you like each other very much. You say you can't be bothered to listen to her... She's also probably sick of being moaned at.

Aibu to not want anything to do with her?

Not at all, but she's not being unreasonable in not wanting to have anything to do with you either.

Just leave her to it and enjoy your DS.

HardofCleaning · 03/01/2020 13:59

I don't see that she's done anything particularly wrong but you sound very angry at her. It's a shame she isn't more involved with DS - do you know why? I'd be a little concerned for her personally if she always said she would love a grandchild and now seems uninterested. Even if she isn't particularly baby focused though why does that mean you want to cut her off entirely?

Original poster
LittleMermaid14 · 03/01/2020 14:00

She's not busy, she doesn't work, only leaves the house to go to the shops, doesn't have much of a social life. He has only mentioned it 4 or 5 times and that seems to be the only time she makes any effort. It's not a regular thing. I always listened to her when she speaks and made an effort with her. Infact I paid her more attention than Dh does. The turning point was when she cancelled seeing Ds at Christmas and hasn't seen him since October. I just don't want to make the effort anymore.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 03/01/2020 14:01

I think she's picked up on the very obvious fact that you thoroughly dislike her and has decided to preserve her mental health and self respect by not coming into contact with you.

Bunbunbunny · 03/01/2020 14:08

She didn't see your DS at Christmas and lives nearby? Sorry that isn't normal, I'm surprised at the other posters defending your MIL. I'd be really annoyed if my MIL didn't make any effort to see their grandchildren over the Christmas holidays.

Is there any other grandchildren or siblings?

Notajogger · 03/01/2020 14:09

If she only leaves the house to go to the shops, has little social life, cancels plans at last minute and has lost interest in family - aren't you concerned about her? Those would be red flags for me to worry about someone mental health.

Also when you say "she talks a lot of nonsense" - what do you mean? Could this be possibly dementia-related?

MelroseHigginbottom · 03/01/2020 14:10

Maybe she has issues she's dealing with that have been preventing her seeing your son. You say she only leaves the house to go to the shops and doesn't really have a social life. Is it possible she's struggling with anxiety or agoraphobia? I'd say don't judge her until you know her reasons.

IceCreamFace · 03/01/2020 14:12

I'd be really worried about her, sounds like she's cutting herself off from the world, she sounds depressed or could be early onset dementia. What problems is she actually causing for you? Why are you taking it all so personally when it's fairly obvious she doesn't see anyone?

Jsjeksmne · 03/01/2020 14:14

Mental health issues? Anxiety etc

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/01/2020 14:15

I can understand you being upset for your son that she doesnt see him any more. And I can understand you not wanting to make much effort, since she doesnt.

But you are basically wanting to go no contact with her, which does seem over the top for the crime of being distant. Not answering someone's texts or calls is taking 'not making any effort' a lot further.

I'd not be proactive about contacting her or inviting her to things where it matters (eg if you have to change your arrangements or buy a ticket). But I wouldnt ignore her, and would still send her the odd 'off to the park in the morning if you fancy joining us' message to keep the peace for your husbands sake.

I'd stop expecting anything from her and just treat her like a distant relative that lives ages away and you arent close to - nice to see if you can all manage it but not an issue if you dont

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2020 14:15

Aibu to not want anything to do with her?

It sounds like she's already made that decision.

Yarboosucks · 03/01/2020 14:17

If you see so little of her, how do you know that she leads such a solitary life?

0ccult · 03/01/2020 14:36

She will be the grandmother that she chooses to be, bugger all you or her son can do about it.

Simple.

Strongmummy · 03/01/2020 14:40

Maybe she doesn’t like young babies? I don’t and have little interest in being around them
Maybe she’s feeling depressed?
I’d suggest your DH goes round to ensure she’s ok and you stop being so concerned as to what sort of grandmother she’s being currently

NoSauce · 03/01/2020 14:53

Maybe she doesn’t like you.

Loveisntblind · 03/01/2020 15:40

How often did you see her before the baby was born? If its more than 3x in 8 months I'd assume she's trying not to step on your toes while you're busy with a young baby. If it's less than that I'd assume she liked the level of visits prior and doesn't want that to change. I feel exhausted after visiting family, particularly the ones who don't like me.

She sounds like a home body, perhaps with some MH issues as others have said.

saraclara · 03/01/2020 15:44

If she only leaves the house to go to the shops, has little social life, cancels plans at last minute and has lost interest in family - aren't you concerned about her? Those would be red flags for me to worry about someone mental health.

I don't usually jump to mental health issues explanations, but those are pretty classic depression/anxiety symptoms.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/01/2020 15:48

I'm not dashing round to see my grandchildren either. They aren't MY children, I didn't choose to have them and, whilst I am very fond of them in an abstract way, I'm not a big 'baby' person. I had five of my own kids and that was more than enough baby-time for me.

Maybe your MIL feels the same way? Parents seem to think that grandparents should be doting on their children at all hours and wanting 'granny cuddles' at least twice a week. Well, some of us don't want to.

Drabarni · 03/01/2020 15:50

YABU, whilst she may annoy you, and i do see where you are coming from, she is dh mum.
I would love to be a 15 min walk from my gd and would love to see her more, it's usually twice a month, moreso lately though.

I also think there could be mh issues, I've cancelled a couple of times and have felt so bad afterwards when the rest of the family all went.
She might also be better with older children and could be why she couldn't wait to be a gm.
Give her some time, or just invite yourself round to hers. Drop in on the pretence of just passing if she is close by.

YouJustDoYou · 03/01/2020 15:52

I've tried with mine. But she's a poisonous dangerous nightmare so no regrets not bothering with her.

NoSauce · 03/01/2020 16:29

Aibu to not want anything to do with her?

But she doesn’t want anything to with you so why are you even asking this?

Just get on with your life. Too many women on MN are obsessed with their MILs, they visit too often, they don’t visit enough, she wants to babysit, she doesn’t help out, she buys too many toys, she’s bought my dc nothing! It’s tiresome.

Just enjoy your life with your DH and baby and stop letting her fill your mind.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2020 16:31

Stop hounding her to see your child. She's clearly not interested and nothing you do will change that. It's her loss, not yours.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 03/01/2020 16:38

Oh op calm down there could be a whole host of reasons, maybe she's anxious or feels awkward with you if you give off stroppy vibes. Just leave it and if she visits fine if she doesn't then there's nothing you can do about it really, getting angry won't help.

Does your DH have siblings, does she interact with any other family members?