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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to speak to other mum about DS behaviour?

36 replies

FrenchFancie · 03/01/2020 05:31

We live in a small hamlet miles from the village school so the LA put on a school bus for us (yay!).
There’s about 8 or 9 kids take the bus every day. DD (year 2) has two friends from her year on the bus, one of whom has an older brother (year 5). Dd and this boy do not get on at all. No physical bullying but he often says nasty ish things (tells Dd that she doesn’t know anything at all, once tried to lead a chant on the bus of ‘all girls smell’).
I’m friends with his mum but not good friends, although we talk most days at the bus stop. They are moving away in April ish when their house sale goes through.
Dd has said that this boys behaviour upsets her. They are together maximum 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the afternoon. They don’t see each other at school and two days a week I collect her from school to go straight to swimming etc.. I think at 7 she needs to learn to ignore him and not rise to the bait. DH thinks I need to speak to his mum about his ‘bullying’.
AIBU to just try to get DD to ignore him - it’s only 3/4 months til they leave anyway?

OP posts:

LadyMinerva · 03/01/2020 05:39

You are basically suggesting that you tell your DD to put up with being treated like crap. How do you think that will set her up for the rest of her life?

Picture her 20 years from now in an abusive relationship thinking that it's OK because mum said I should just put up with it?

Breastfeedingworries · 03/01/2020 05:43

Huh? so you want her to put up or
With being treated badly for another 3.4 months to save face?

No you man up, go and speak to the mother. If you want to play it down you say, I know they’re not fans of each other’s but best they both ignore each other and the comments stop. That would be better than nothing.

Ideally though you just ask him to leave your dd alone, keep his comments to himself.

Cauliflowerpower · 03/01/2020 05:44

I think of you're friendly with the mum you could bring it up. Just say DD is getting a bit upset by some of the behaviour on the bus. You don't HAVE to point the finger but could she have a word with her ds and see what's happening?

I'm a massive confrontation avoider though....

Russell19 · 03/01/2020 05:45

Although his behaviour seems a bit unnecessary I'm not sure it is targeted bullying as such.

I think you to need to teach her to be resilient and rise above it on this occasion, especially if they are moving. Let's face it, it's also a very important life lesson that some people aren't particularly nice.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 03/01/2020 05:46

Surely the obvious thing is to talk to the school.

Talking to other parents almost never goes well, and this situation has the potential to be particularly tricky as you live in a small hamlet.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/01/2020 05:51

YABU
You should have talked to the school by now. The bus driver should have been made aware and be policing the children. Protect your child. She’s tiny. He’s much bigger.

Kraai · 03/01/2020 06:09

Talk to the school, definitely.

Pixxie7 · 03/01/2020 06:44

Although this is upsetting sometimes it better left alone, I would have a chat with your daughter and try and encourage her to ignore him.

my2bundles · 03/01/2020 08:06

I would speak to the school, talking to the parent rarely goes well. 3 years is big difference at this age so adult intervention is needed.

Mumdiva99 · 03/01/2020 08:11

Definitely talk to the school. It's their responsibility to sort it out. Your daughter shouldn't have to put up with it. She's still tiny and has asked you for help - so please help her.

OceanSunFish · 03/01/2020 08:14

Normally I would say talk to the school rather than the other mum - but as this bus is provided by the LA I think the school May consider this outside their remit?

IME it's rarely a good idea to approach another parent and accuse their child of being a bully. Parents don't tend to react well to that!

MelroseHigginbottom · 03/01/2020 08:34

The boy's mum may not even be aware of his horrible behaviour. Your daughter is tiny and deserves to feel supported by her mum. I'd just speak to the mum. What's the worst that could happen? She's leaving in a few months anyway.

Brefugee · 03/01/2020 08:36

I think the boy's parents need to know. You don't want to bring it up but your DH does. He can speak to her, then, surely?

But your DD doesn't need to have her feelings dismissed, and as PP said doesn't need to start learning that women always make way for men.

Besidesthepoint · 03/01/2020 08:39

Talk to the school and tell her to sit close to the driver.

MissClareRemembers · 03/01/2020 08:49

Speak to the school as others have said. I wouldn’t confront the mum. However if your husband is so keen to speak to her, why can’t he do that himself?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 08:51

Your 6/7 year old daughter is being upset by a 9/10 year old and your solution is to do nothing?

Would you want to know if your daughter was upsetting a reception child? Of course you would...

IndecentFeminist · 03/01/2020 08:53

Tbh it doesn't sound like he's doing all that much that's unusual for a boy his age. I'm quite fiesty when it comes to my kids but this wouldn't register bar "he's being very silly, ignore it."

piefacedClique · 03/01/2020 12:20

Is there not a supervising adult on the bus apart from the driver? Speak to school and ask them to address it with the responsible adult on the bus?

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2020 12:28

Sounds like kid's nonsense to me rather than 'bullying'.

But if it really is upsetting your daughter then you should speak to the school.

Be prepared in case another side of the story emerges and it turns out to be six of one and half a dozen of the other.

But ultimately, that might not be the case so probably best to try and sort it now.

ohprettybaby · 03/01/2020 12:40

It doesn't sound like bullying to me. I get fed up of people referring to behaviour as bullying when it isn't. He's just being a stupid kid.

Your DD sees him for 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the afternoon so not for long at all. When he tells her she doesn't know anything teach her to respond with an intellectual question that he couldn't possibly know the answer to. (Watch series 1 of 'Outnumbered' on BBCi player for some interesting stuff).

If he sings that all girls smell teach your daughter to sing a line at the end in the same tune as he sings in that just says something silly like ' but not as much as you/boys smell'.

It's kids stuff. Teach her to be resilient. Make sure she knows she doesn't smell and he is just being really silly and babyish.

Kanga83 · 03/01/2020 12:44

You need to man up for your dd sake as speak to not only the mum but the bus driver too to keep and eye . If it carries on even for a few days I would then speak to the school.

JasonPollack · 03/01/2020 12:45

That's a very fast bus journey at 5 minutes?

I would not ask my daughter to put up with gendered bullying from a much older child. You are telling her that her feelings are unimportant. That she should just be quiet and absorb being treated badly. That is a very poor lesson for life.

NewNameGuy · 03/01/2020 12:49

They're moving, so take the opportunity to practice confronting bullies knowing they're leaving soon anyway.
It'll be good for both of you

messolini9 · 03/01/2020 12:58

You are basically suggesting that you tell your DD to put up with being treated like crap. How do you think that will set her up for the rest of her life?

Can't that this has been suggested - basically or otherwise.
OP feels her DD should start to develop resiliance & coping techniques. No doubt she will work with her to help her feel supported & understood, & DD knows she won't have to see the boy beyond April anyway.

Seriously - do you actually believe that "having a word" with the other child's mother is going to change how her son behaves on the bus?

Conversely, when DD learns to either ignore, or laugh at the boy, or any other mechanism for coping with 5 minutes of his company, she will have develpoed a skill which will take her through life. When she is an adult, bigger boys will be saying even nastier things - it's just something we all have to learn to deal with.

dancingbadger · 03/01/2020 13:00

I can see that this a tricky one either way. I agree with pp that some parents take any criticism of their little angels incredibly badly (this has happened to me and the mum would not accept her child would do any wrong and still doesn't talk to me!) However, surely these parents are displaying the entitled and bullying behaviour themselves by refusing to address any negativity about their child. It's a shame that people feel too intimidated by others reaction to discuss the truth and subsequently some kids continually get away with being nasty. I see this within schools too, where the schools are reluctant to get parents in to discuss children's behaviour and bullying is ignored because it's just easier for everyone, other than the bullied child that is! So it's your choice really, my previous experience wouldn't stop me addressing any future issues though I can't stand bullying on any level and I will always speak up against it.

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