How to crawl back out of all these bereavements and subsequent crippling depression?

[GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery]

2019 really was the worst year of my life. For context. I'm 42, I know you expect more bereavements as you get older, but 42? Apologies this is long.

Some of these have been closer relationships to me than others, that said, I was still rocked and upset by each death.

Started off with my darling great aunt's funeral in January, she died over Christmas 2018.

Then friend (now living in Australia) died of cancer, aged 46, leaving behind her DP and 6yo DD.

Then my ex-H who I'm still on good terms with called me in bits a couple of weeks later, his DB took his own life, aged 39, leaving kiddies behind. His DB lived with us for a time and was my family too for 10 years. I didn't attend funeral as my ex-H just got engaged and although I know his fiancee, I didn't think it was appropriate for me to turn up.

Then a lovely regular, one of the characters from down my local pub I'd known for ten years was taken by cancer. I couldn't attended the funeral.

Then my neighbour had a fall, only in her 60s, who is also my friend's mum who both I'd known since school. I attended the funeral. Which my friend appreciated.

Literally two weeks later, my mum died suddenly from her alcoholism, aged 63 and that's when I started to crack up. Lots of physical symptoms, like migraines, really bad IBS, gastritis, anxiety, high BP and heart rate. I had to end up being signed off work for a month as I wasn't coping.

Then four weeks later, the day before my mum's funeral, a best friend's MIL, who socialised with us often at parties and weekends away died of cancer, but suddenly. Best friend understandbly couldn't make my mum's funeral and it was too soon for me to attend her MIL's service.

I started having counselling and looking back now I realise I wasn't really dealing with my grief and just getting on with it.

The next month, my lovely colleague died of cancer aged 44, leaving her DH and 7yo DD behind. I attended the funeral, but unlike me I was so numb I couldn't cry (it was in same chapel as my mum's service). I'm still putting on my tough exterior at this stage.

Then my mum's best friend who's been an amazing support to me after mum died, she died in November from an illness, only 63. I attended the funeral and was a wreck. Cried more at her funeral than my mum's.

After that funeral, that's when everything started to crumble again, but like a landslide this time.

I've been suffering horrendous insomnia, sometimes not getting even five minutes of sleep in a night and having to go to work the next day. Plus all the other symptoms resurfaced from when I lost my mum, but everything was ten times magnified. I was crying every day, even going to the loos at work where I was literally locking myself away in hysterics. I've lost my appetite, been drinking too much to try and help me get some sleep, any sleep. Ended up having a breakdown start of December and told my DP and closest friends that I couldn't cope any more. They've all been amazing and supportive, which gave me a little strength.

Then I booked three weeks off work for Xmas and NY to get some actual rest and focus. I booked in for new counselling for the new year. Booked a holiday to NYC for my DP's 40th in March, giving myself things to look forward to and to be pragmatic.

In the meantime, I'm still not eating, losing weight, not sleeping and I'm not socialising. Which my friends understood.

Saturday just gone, one of my close friends invited me to his first gig in his new band. I said I'd have to see how I was on the day, but of course I'd love too, and he'd been supportive to me in my grief, so I wanted to support him.

On the day, he texted to see if I was up for it, I apologised that I truly wasn't, I had no energy and couldn't face the crowds. But said we'd catch up in new year.

The gig went amazing by all accounts, he went out celebrating afterwards with his best mate, who left him at pub closing time with other friends, in good spirits, talking about their NYE plans.

Next day, my good friend is found dead by his best mate. Aged 33. Suspected suicide. I've been in absolute fucking pieces since hearing this.

I hate myself for not going to the gig, not sure what could have happened different, but maybe the outcome would have been different if more of his friends attended? I worry he thinks I let him down. I did let him down. I hate myself for being a shit friend.

Anyway, I thought I was doing okay over Christmas, it was better than I thought it would be, but losing my mate last weekend just doesn't feel real. I can't believe I will never see him again. He so badly wanted to find a girl, get married, have kids and be a rock star! But he's gone and I'm cracking up again, even worse than before. Currently in agony on the sofa with gastritis, and I had absolutely no sleep last night.

How the fuck do I pull myself out of this? I don't recognise myself. If I didn't have my DP and dogs, I'd consider ending it myself. I feel so fucking crushed. Life feels like it's is in black and white to me now and I've no energy or interest in anything.

Food sticks in my mouth like wallpaper paste. Had a mate over here for NYE, watching the Queen film and eating curry. I had a couple of spoons of curry but kept ruining the film for friend and DP, as I kept bursting into to tears. Felt so guilty for ruining the night.

I want to feel normal again.

So sorry for rambling. Just typing it all out had been slightly cathartic.

OP you have experienced a huge amount of loss.
Your reaction to all this trauma is really normal.
You should take yourself to the GP if you haven't already.
Have a think about whether you want to take some time off work? Maybe think about some more counseling.
Also be kind to yourself, processing grief takes time. You are ruining anything for your DP or friends.

You arent ruining anything. Sorry OP should have proof read properly.

I'm scared to get signed off. As having that month off after my mum died triggered a "sickness management plan" at work, which I'm still on.

My contract is due to finish in May, and I really want to be made permanent. So I'm pasting on my best game face at work and not letting on to my manager know that I'm falling apart, in case they see me as a liability and don't give me the job.

I'll be honest, I'm dreading work next week. No idea how I will keep up the pretence, as I'm far more of a wreck than I was in December before we closed for Christmas.

I thought organising counselling was a good step and I'm hoping you lovely folk might have other suggestions on how to climb out of this hole.

That said, I do appreciate your suggestion and advice greatly. Thank you.

If you cannot take more time off work then counseling, medication, good food and exercise may all help.
But don't set yourself expectations that are too high or be critical of yourself.

Thank you. Baby steps makes sense I guess.

I don’t know how you’re still standing tbh. “Just keep breathing” it’s all you can do for now. Perhaps see your Gp for some help on the physical symptoms, maybe some anti-d’s to help you cope until you can get some more counselling and work through it all.

Cycle... I don't know how to even start...

You have gone through an unimaginable year of grief and loss. Your brain has not had time to even start reacting to each event before being hit by the next. At the moment you are still in state of shock.

You are in no condition to make any fixed plans or commit to anything. By all means, keep all the plans you had for this year, but just decide at the time whether to follow on them.

Would it be possible to obtain unpaid time off work in order to give yourself time to react? Any understanding employer would realise you are in no condition to work right now and need to deal with everything life has thrown at you.

You are alive and can write and read. THAT is already a huge achievement in this situation. You are indeed at the bottom of a dark hole, but unlucky streaks do end. You will slowly crawl out. There will be better days and days when you are sure you have fallen back to the bottom again. But you will emerge. This year of hell will have changed you, you will be wiser in a way you wish you weren't and stronger in a way you wish you didn't have to be, but alive you will be, and armed with the skills to be of immense help to others who will go through a personal hell of their own.

You are important, you have massive worth and this World needs you in it. Please keep going.

You need to see your GP ASAP to get a handle on this situation before it worsens further. You have experienced an awful lot and need support to process and deal with that. Whilst you are trying to keep a brave face on and carry on as normal at work you are actually making the problem worse by putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Be kind to yourself, relieve some pressure and allow yourself to grieve and heal

(Sorry pressed post too early!) and in time you will be better placed to work and carry out everything you need to, but not now. Rest, seek help, eat well and exercise (even a little walk round the block) and see your GP are all good steps in the right direction. Take care and be kind to yourself xx

You have been through so much. More than anyone should have to. So sorry XX

Jesus, woman. All my love to you. Get help this is too much for one person. You need a lot of time and selfcare. I had a breakdown after my son died by suicide and then my mum was taken young by an awful cancer. I am now coping and relatively healthy but for a while I thought the mental pain would kill me too. And I was actually ok with that. I'm changed forever, no doubt, but I'm still Me, but different. You've had your world crumble. My advice is literally do whatever your gut is telling you. It will be the way to survive. Instinct will guide you. Get to a good GP asap.

Death is so hard to deal with, and then when its suicide, all the regrets that come with that. Its hard, life can be so hard.. take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time. Rest, heal, breathe.. I watched trashy movies to distract.. Its ok to crumble its ok to stay in bed... Its grief, its hard.. time passes, slowly you will heal..hug to you.

You are still in shock. 1st. Step doctor. They will probably give you sleeping tablets. Only a few days as they are highly addictive. But just a few days sleep can make a world of difference.
Don't necessarily expect counselling to completely work. You may need to dip in and out.
Grief isn't linear. So it will seem like one step forward 2 back a lot of the time.
take time to be upset. But try to plan it. So allow yourself say 10 min a day where you can just howl at the moon.
Self care . Do things you enjoy and book things to look forward to.
Realise it make take years. I am 3 years down the line from 3 deaths. Only one of them natural causes
But it is just a phase and this too will pass

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.

Your responses made me cry (Obviously! T
As that's all I seem to do right now).

Some really helpful responses and I've just spent 25 minutes on hold trying to get. Drs appointment, managed to get a cancellation for 15:30 today.

I hope it's a kind and understanding Dr I see.

I managed to sleep for an hour last night / this morning, so better than nothing. I'm exhausted though.

Really don't know what to do about work. I'm in a catch 22. But one step at a time I guess. Thank you.

Wow , I really didn’t expect that many bereavements . I don’t say say that jokingly , but fuck me

First of all your friend isn’t your fault . It’s a terribly cruel thing to happen but you are ILL and also suffering . To torture yourself with what IF , and ‘could I have prevented ‘ is just too cruel to yourself

Anyone would suffer after such a roll .

As someone who Is also having stress insomnia I advise a visit to GP and see if you have have something temporary to help

But your healing needs to start, and it’s going to take a while

Do things to make
Yourself happy

Get fresh air

Continue counselling

Consider some time off
Work and a sick note

Watch funny films

I state the things that help me , yours will be different

Your heart is hurting badly after a really really horrible period of loss after loss

But you are alive my darling. So you need to take the trudging steps to healing . And no it’s not easy , or fast

And some spring would help

Sending you all my very best

That’s a lot of loss in a short time. It’s a cumulative thing when it happens like that, and bereavement by suicide is a particularly complex traumatic loss to experience.

So, having been in similar shoes, some practical advice from one survivor to another....

For today, SOBS, survivors of bereavement by suicide, have a wonderful helpline. Call them, and talk about the loss of your friend. They will help you talk out and begin to manage the complexity of grief, guilt, shock and fear that comes with a close suicide.

For tonight, the Samaritans helpline is also wonderful, and staffed through the dark hours, and they are very lovely and will listen and talk, and support you. You don’t have to be feeling suicidal to call them as it turns out, and they are an amazing source of support for survivors of multiple close bereavement.

For next week or the week after, specialist bereavement counselling. This one is really important mid to long term. If you can find the funds to pay for even a few sessions, getting this will make a world of difference. GP referrals take a long time to come through, and are not generally specialist counselling, but generalist. For accumulating loss like this specialist is far more effective. Ask around, or google for local ones.

For every day for the next few months, say no to any and all unnecessary things. Take the financial hit of not working if you can manage it. Give yourself the healing time you need; it can be put off, but not dodged, and leaving it till later makes it harder to get through.

Sleep lots, take paracetamol for the body pains, listen to your body and mind, and treat yourself as if you were really quite poorly and in need of some weeks of super-special self care. Think of it as a hiatus, a suspension of normal service.

You will be OK. It takes time, but you will be OK.

Thank you everyone. Just been to GP. She was really lovely and understanding. I fell apart in there. But I'd made a list in advance of everything I'd been experiencing symptom wise.

She's given me sleeping tablets, more tablets for gastritis and also some beta blockers.

She wanted to give me anti-depressants too, but I asked that she didn't due to the fact that this will scupper my future adoption plans. She agreed to this, as I'm starting counselling next week.

She wants to see me in two to three weeks and wants me to consider taking time off work

I have an external 24/7 counselling line available through work in th meantime if needed.

Well done! Hopefully you will be able to rest better now.

Look after yourself and don’t underestimate or dismiss the physical impact. It’s entirely normal to be knocked sideways by these events.

Well done for seeing your GP. You have been through so much. I hope the medication and tablets help. Keep us updated.

Bless you. You would need to be an absolute super human not to be totally wiped out with all those bereavements. Be kind to yourself first of all, and cry your eyes out whenever you need to. Better out than in.

I found going back to work was good for me, but I know that doesn't work for everyone. The routine, the distraction and HAVING to get up, showered and dressed whilst hard at first did help in the long run. People will understand that you are bereaved, and if you haven't told your colleagues, do tell them. Some will inevitably shrug their shoulders, but believe me most of them will be totally understanding if you have a melt down now and then. Remember there are more kind people around than horrible people.

Other things I did was to make sure I got out one day a week for a walk, a visit, or just to town. TBH I was in a daze most of the time, and could not understand how no one around me realised I was in deep pain from my losses. But you live and learn. Even a twenty minute walk in the brightness really helps. It can become very easy to hibernate, and I did this (and sometimes still do depending on my mood), but just a short outing does help.

Talk to your friends. Tell them how you feel. Many are afraid to broach the subject, so you have to do it first, to put them at ease. Even a lovely hug is just so comforting.

I also got some valium, just 6 tabs, and they really helped in the bad days when my agitation, palpitations etc. were really bad. It is all totally normal.

I'm still grieving, but in a different way now, five years down the road.

I'm with you my love. All the best.

Well done on seeing your GP. I hope the medication helps to make a difference.

Take care

You know what the drs say the best medicine for grief is grieving

You're all so kind. Thank you. I'm overwhelmed by your lovely replies and for getting through my massively long OP!

I'd been invited out tonight at 7pm to an Our Price Records staff reunion (worked there for years in my teens and a load of us stayed friends via social media and ocassional get togethers), I really don't fancy it. But it's only 3 miles from my house and it might do me good to put some make up on and meet friends in a pub for a bit. The organiser knows what I've been going through and said to not feel obliged to attend, even though they'd love to see me.

I'll only go for an hour, and I can't drink as I've got the sleeping tablets for tonight. But it's a baby step, I've not got properly dressed, or socialised for weeks, maybe I will even crack a smile later.

I also have a second job, but it's a hobby job (not paid) and I've asked for a month off, my manager knows why and has agreed. So that's one less pressure.

I'm really trying to help myself. But your advice and hand hold has been a boost. I didn't even think a out seeing the GP until a PP mentioned but this morning. So, thank you.

PS: I'm so glad the days are starting to get longer, that will definitely improve my mood.

Christ, like a PP said, I didn't expect to read so many bereavements. You would have to be literally made of stone to not be reeling from those. And yet here you are - still breathing, still able to string a sentence together, still working (!).

So glad you've seen your GP and that she was helpful. That's a good first step.

My only suggestion is that you try to notice good things each day, however tiny. (Birdsong, cup of tea, clean sheets.) Think of it as a skill that you need to practice. It's easy to get lost in the dark; these are your solar lights along the path.