2019 really was the worst year of my life. For context. I'm 42, I know you expect more bereavements as you get older, but 42? Apologies this is long.
Some of these have been closer relationships to me than others, that said, I was still rocked and upset by each death.
Started off with my darling great aunt's funeral in January, she died over Christmas 2018.
Then friend (now living in Australia) died of cancer, aged 46, leaving behind her DP and 6yo DD.
Then my ex-H who I'm still on good terms with called me in bits a couple of weeks later, his DB took his own life, aged 39, leaving kiddies behind. His DB lived with us for a time and was my family too for 10 years. I didn't attend funeral as my ex-H just got engaged and although I know his fiancee, I didn't think it was appropriate for me to turn up.
Then a lovely regular, one of the characters from down my local pub I'd known for ten years was taken by cancer. I couldn't attended the funeral.
Then my neighbour had a fall, only in her 60s, who is also my friend's mum who both I'd known since school. I attended the funeral. Which my friend appreciated.
Literally two weeks later, my mum died suddenly from her alcoholism, aged 63 and that's when I started to crack up. Lots of physical symptoms, like migraines, really bad IBS, gastritis, anxiety, high BP and heart rate. I had to end up being signed off work for a month as I wasn't coping.
Then four weeks later, the day before my mum's funeral, a best friend's MIL, who socialised with us often at parties and weekends away died of cancer, but suddenly. Best friend understandbly couldn't make my mum's funeral and it was too soon for me to attend her MIL's service.
I started having counselling and looking back now I realise I wasn't really dealing with my grief and just getting on with it.
The next month, my lovely colleague died of cancer aged 44, leaving her DH and 7yo DD behind. I attended the funeral, but unlike me I was so numb I couldn't cry (it was in same chapel as my mum's service). I'm still putting on my tough exterior at this stage.
Then my mum's best friend who's been an amazing support to me after mum died, she died in November from an illness, only 63. I attended the funeral and was a wreck. Cried more at her funeral than my mum's.
After that funeral, that's when everything started to crumble again, but like a landslide this time.
I've been suffering horrendous insomnia, sometimes not getting even five minutes of sleep in a night and having to go to work the next day. Plus all the other symptoms resurfaced from when I lost my mum, but everything was ten times magnified. I was crying every day, even going to the loos at work where I was literally locking myself away in hysterics. I've lost my appetite, been drinking too much to try and help me get some sleep, any sleep. Ended up having a breakdown start of December and told my DP and closest friends that I couldn't cope any more. They've all been amazing and supportive, which gave me a little strength.
Then I booked three weeks off work for Xmas and NY to get some actual rest and focus. I booked in for new counselling for the new year. Booked a holiday to NYC for my DP's 40th in March, giving myself things to look forward to and to be pragmatic.
In the meantime, I'm still not eating, losing weight, not sleeping and I'm not socialising. Which my friends understood.
Saturday just gone, one of my close friends invited me to his first gig in his new band. I said I'd have to see how I was on the day, but of course I'd love too, and he'd been supportive to me in my grief, so I wanted to support him.
On the day, he texted to see if I was up for it, I apologised that I truly wasn't, I had no energy and couldn't face the crowds. But said we'd catch up in new year.
The gig went amazing by all accounts, he went out celebrating afterwards with his best mate, who left him at pub closing time with other friends, in good spirits, talking about their NYE plans.
Next day, my good friend is found dead by his best mate. Aged 33. Suspected suicide. I've been in absolute fucking pieces since hearing this.
I hate myself for not going to the gig, not sure what could have happened different, but maybe the outcome would have been different if more of his friends attended? I worry he thinks I let him down. I did let him down. I hate myself for being a shit friend.
Anyway, I thought I was doing okay over Christmas, it was better than I thought it would be, but losing my mate last weekend just doesn't feel real. I can't believe I will never see him again. He so badly wanted to find a girl, get married, have kids and be a rock star! But he's gone and I'm cracking up again, even worse than before. Currently in agony on the sofa with gastritis, and I had absolutely no sleep last night.
How the fuck do I pull myself out of this? I don't recognise myself. If I didn't have my DP and dogs, I'd consider ending it myself. I feel so fucking crushed. Life feels like it's is in black and white to me now and I've no energy or interest in anything.
Food sticks in my mouth like wallpaper paste. Had a mate over here for NYE, watching the Queen film and eating curry. I had a couple of spoons of curry but kept ruining the film for friend and DP, as I kept bursting into to tears. Felt so guilty for ruining the night.
I want to feel normal again.
So sorry for rambling. Just typing it all out had been slightly cathartic.