Christmas hosting - another one

[Changingforthisnow]

Following on from another thread I just wanted to see what the thought on this scenario is. My MIL hosted Christmas for us, DH’s siblings, her siblings and families (DH’s aunts, cousins and their partners/kids as appropriate), her MIL and other odds and sods (not being rude but not family) and has done for years. The only people who travel are us and one of DH’s siblings and partners (think over 6 hours a piece) and everyone else goes home after Christmas Day (except maybe DH’s other siblings who don’t travel).

We alternate and MIL is saying she is getting tired of it. Not surprising tho others do bring a few things and it is the one day. We are - realistically - the only ones who could do it (and the hints are there that we should) but it would be everyone for longer than a day. I do get on with them but they wouldn’t bring stuff with them at that distance and they would basically take over for the Christmas duration as they wouldn’t want to go to hotels - too much money - so would be there all the time. A proper holiday.

We were thinking of on our next alternate year of saying MIL, her MIL, DH’s siblings and families as appropriate and that’s it. However, the other thread made me think that would make me CF? I think it’s the fact that it would not just be a day, it would be all in, all season.. Thoughts?

You wouldn't be unreasonable to limit the numbers.

So how many does it normally work out as, sounds like loads?

As families grow is it not normal for some to branch off and start doing their own thing, with some of the family members, not all of them?

If some of them are local to each other, doesn't it make sense that they do their thing, and you do your thing, with maybe some additional, but not all, family members joining you.

Limit numbers and start looking at Airbnbs! I think that’s a reasonable compromise. Having a lot of people staying is too bonkers.

Just because she hosts everyone didn't mean you have to. Invite who you want. But do it in plenty of time and be clear that you are limiting the numbers so the other can make alternate arrangements.

It’s up to you who you invite to your own house. If your MIL wants to spend Christmas with the world and his wife then that’s her lookout, but she can’t force that on a different host.

Practically, the idea of all those people travelling to yours sounds insane and that’s without even considering where you’re supposed to put them all, and as you said, them taking over for the whole season.

It normally works out at over 20 now.

Over 20?

Invite who you want!

Other thread included a step sister. Your situation is completely different. I'd just invite mil, granny and Dh siblings if you wish. I wouldn't bother with aunts or cousins. That was your MILs decision over the years, and surely they can organise their own gathering. Also I would tell the siblings to organise their own accommodation be it Airbnb or hotel. No way would I accommodate everyone - that is a ridiculous assumption. They could probably source an Airbnb house to fit them all. If you have space for mil and the granny then maybe they could stay with you.

How many would it be if you invite MIL, her MIL, DH's siblings and their families?

I can't see that you have to invite your DH's aunts, cousins and their families just because your MIL did.

I don't think you can expect your MIL to stay in an Airbnb if they have put you up for free (and presumably her MIL is elderly so would need to be where MIL is). Could you just have those two stay over and DH's siblings and families stay at Airbnb or hotel?

Also, why do you see yourselves as the only ones to have Christmas at yours? Can you not alternate with DH's siblings from now on?

Unless you have a hotel how could you accommodate 20 people, some of whom I assume are reasonably elderly and probably wouldn’t appreciate a sleeping bag on the floor?
Time to split up some of the family. No wonder your MIL is tired of it

Yeah they go in for the ‘auntie changing’ even when it’s a child of a cousin as well as other things that just grate and mean I know there will be an assumption to stay as it’s all ‘family’ .... glad to know trying to limit it wouldn’t be the mark of a CF

I think it really depends who the odds and sods are and what their situation is.If we're talking about Mil's next door neighbour or someone like that they presumably won't want to travel to stay at a stranger's house anyway. I think it's fine to limit numbers but you just need to be kind - will anyone be left on their own or feel left out? Discuss with Mil and see how she feels if these are people she knows well.

Odds and sods tends to be friends of DH’s siblings ....

Then DH’s siblings can host them at the sibling’s house.

Think of it as not taking on Christmas as your MIL did it, but starting your own way - invite whoever you want.

How could you possibly have 20 people to stay? Do you live in a mansion?

"Hi All,

As some of you know, MIL feels that she's unable to host large family Christmases in the future - and I'm sure we're all very grateful to her for all she's done in the past, which was incredibly generous.

Unfortunately we just can't accommodate the size of party we seem to have grown to, given that most of you won't be able to travel for the day so will have to stay over. We're happy to host the meal, though. [If you are.]

There seem to be three options open to us:

1. We can host and accommodate a small party of, say, six people in addition our household. This would mean we'd have to limit it to immediate family only.

1. We can host a meal but anyone other than immediate family will have to find their own accommodation.

1. We can take a group booking in a large country house and have a huge family Christmas, with shared responsibilities. I've done some looking around online and we could get three nights in a large country house for about £200 pp. [Do some checking here, as it depends where you want to travel to.]

Let me know what you think!

Love,

Changing"

I bet that a lot will find themselves unable/unwilling to pay, which will reduce the party size to something more manageable. Anyone who complains about the cost gets the job of finding something more reasonable. If you decide on option 2, you'll know ahead of time who's coming and can allocate tasks and dishes so you don't get lumbered.

I would offer to host on the day but not offer accommodation.

My friend and her extended family & friends group of 40 + hire exclusively hire a YHA hostel for Christmas. Chores, Shopping and all costs are split equally between all. They've been doing it for 10 + years & love it as nobody misses out seeing their families. Why don't you consider it for next year, there are lots of lovely places in the UK or near you which you can hire.

groups.yha.org.uk/groups/special-occasions

As family dynamics and sizes change, people have to adapt and change their expectations.
Sticking to ‘traditional hosting’ eventually leads to resentments. Life changes and so should Christmas, people come (babies with different needs) and some people unfortunately are no longer there.
Over a lifetime is not unreasonable to adapt and change expectations at Christmas.
Thatlibrarymiss has made good suggestions.

What happens on the other years OP as you say you alternate, so is that when you see your side of the family? On those years does everyone else still go to MIL’s?

Why can’t MIL’s siblings head up their own Christmases with their own kids and grandkids?

All this angst over hosting Christmas makes me sad! It's supposed to be a time to relax with our own families, not stress about who is doing or paying for what, and who will get upset if this or that doesn't go to plan.

It is literally just over a week since Christmas and people are already stressing over the next one 😢 Why? Just do your own thing...seriously...now is the PERFECT time to knock all this crazy 'second aunt twice removed' stuff on the head, and start your own family Christmas, exactly how YOU would want it. No need to cause a family feud about it, simply 'agree' that now MIL feels that it's all too much, and you all KNOW what a fantastic job she's done and how you've appreciated it blah blah blah, it's obviously now time to start a new family tradition...Christmas in our own homes 👍😊

I wouldn’t have even thought of posting but for the other thread because we do need to work it out. Alternative years we go to my family.

Do DH's siblings etc do alternate years too?