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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband secret drinking

28 replies

dreamingofkitchens · 02/01/2020 21:22

Been married for 3 years, together for 6. Have a young DC.

DH is kind, caring, amazing, holds down a job, amazing father.
But I think he’s an alcoholic.

He drinks a bottle of wine every night, alone. I raised it with him, he didn’t agree it was problematic.
Shortly after I noticed that the nights he ‘wasn’t drinking’ he was actually hiding bottles and drinking it in secret.
We’ve talked about this many times, I’ve told him if he wants to drink so badly just own it but still he fucking hides it.

Thinking back he was doing this at the beginning of the relationship too, I remember small things that I now see as the same things he does when he’s drinking in secret now.

Last time he promised he wouldn’t do it any more, promised no more lies.
Yesterday eve I thought he had been drinking but couldn’t prove it. Tonight I thought he was again and found his bottle and glass.
He says he does it because he doesn’t want to be nagged!

What do I do, other than leave? I love him so much.

OP posts:
Downton57 · 02/01/2020 21:32

You can suggest he goes to AA, but if he refuses to admit he has a problem there is little else you can do. What you mustn't do, is accept blame. He doesn't drink in secret because you nag, he does it because he has a drink problem. He will keep lying and he will continue to blame it on others, because that's the way alcoholics behave. Get in touch with alanon, who support the families and friends of alcoholics. But i'm afraid there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent him drinking.

BlueSuffragette · 02/01/2020 21:35

Suggest he seeks help for alcohol addiction. Will he go to the GP or AA?

SMarie123 · 02/01/2020 21:36

Sorry to hear this is happening.

You say he holds down a job, does this mean he isn't drinking in the day? Does he only drink in the evening? Is he drinking and driving? Is there anyone in his family you could talk to?

Junie70 · 02/01/2020 21:42

You can't stop him. Only he can do that. All you can do is protect yourself and your DC from the fallout.

It won't get better. It will only get worse.

Original poster
dreamingofkitchens · 02/01/2020 21:43

He isn’t drinking during the day that I know of.
He did have some time off sick last year and a couple of times I came home from work and he was drunk but by and large not.

He does not accept he has a problem. He would not go to AA or Gp because he thinks he drinks a lot but not more than most people.
I suppose he could be drinking a lot more than I know about. It’s a bottle of wine a night, sometimes some beers too, which is a lot but I suppose some do drink that much, for me it’s the secrecy and hiding it which makes it problematic.

OP posts:
Original poster
dreamingofkitchens · 02/01/2020 21:44

Sorry I didn’t mean to enable voting.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/01/2020 21:46

He is drinking far too much. The hiding it shows he knows it’s not healthy. It’s affecting his relationship.
He needs to stop.
But he doesn’t want to.
You can’t make him.
You can only control your reaction. I couldn’t live with this.
Al Anon helps family.

bluejelly · 02/01/2020 21:47

If he won't go to the GP/AA it means he doesn't want to change.
Personally I would threaten to leave - and be prepared to go through with it.

Downton57 · 02/01/2020 21:56

He'll be drinking far more than you're aware of and might well be drinking at work. You'll only find out for sure when he loses his job or gets done for drink driving. I'm sorry OP but if you don't want to live with an active alcoholic in total denial you need to leave him. Don't bother with threats or ultimatums. He will make promises but chances are, he won't keep them.

Woohoomoo · 02/01/2020 21:59

I could have written this in my previous relationship. He only accepted it was a problem after he lost his license four times over the limit. I finally left 2 years later and 6 years after that he died from alcohol-related causes. Once I left he didn't have to hide it or even attempt to control it.
In these situations if you suspect he's drinking you're probably right.
I agree with the poster above that you mustn't let him try to blame you for nagging. If he's drinking in secret it's a problem. Does he have any family you can enlist to help you address this? I didn't rope in my ex's family as I knew he would be embarrassed. I really wish I had.

notsohippychick · 02/01/2020 22:01

If he’s hiding that drink, how do you know what else he is drinking when you aren’t with him?

HopeClearwater · 02/01/2020 22:28

Like other pp, I could have written this post ten or so years ago. My DH is dead now, the alcohol killed him. Started with secret drinking. The secrecy is not just about you, he’s in denial about his problem. Easier to kid yourself that you haven’t got a problem if you’re not drinking in public (counter-intuitive though that may sound). I had to ask my DH to leave in the end. He couldn’t be left alone with our children. He endangered them a number of times. He lost his licence, a number of jobs and finally his health. I went through with all the ultimatums. He still couldn’t stop.

So -

  1. Tell people. You need support. So do your children. Go to Al-Anon to find out about addiction and meet people who have been, or are in, your position.
  2. Don’t trust him to look after or drive your kids anywhere.
  3. Prepare for life as a single parent. Living with an alcoholic will drive you round the bend and it is extremely damaging to children.
  4. Do not be gaslighted by your DH. He will swear blind that he’s sober and it’s all in your head. HE is the one with the problem, not you.

I wish you the best of luck. It’s a hard road.
Flowers

HopeClearwater · 02/01/2020 22:30

If he’s hiding that drink, how do you know what else he is drinking when you aren’t with him?

This is SO true, sadly.

Pinkmexicanskull · 02/01/2020 22:34

I could have written this, OP.

My DP would do the same- can easily polish off a bottle of wine and would make excuses as to why I was overreacting (don’t you know one bottle is only three large glasses! Etc etc). He hid bottles- I vividly remember finding a bottle of vodka hidden in our outside bin store and sobbing.

I cried, I shouted, I did everything I could to try and rationalise with him why I didn’t want him to drink so much. But it’s only when I got to crux of why he drunk (he was deeply depressed etc) that it tapered off and stopped eventually. I could tell what kind of day he’d have by his reliance on drink. And so I tried to tackle him on why he was feeling so depressed and low and tried to help him on that front and I think that’s what helped with the booze eventually. He’s still no angel though- he just has that booze gene sadly.

I sympathise OP, it’s such a shit situation but you can deal with it if he’s willing to.

Downton57 · 02/01/2020 22:35

Agree with every word @HopeClearwater wrote. It is all excellent advice. It is a very hard road, but when you and your child are away from all the lies, worry and drama the relief will be huge. You'll wonder why on earth you put up with it for so long, why you made all those excuses for him and why you protected him from the consequences of his drinking. Put yourself and your kids first and get out now.

EKGEMS · 02/01/2020 23:44

I've learned through my nursing career whatever amount of alcohol a person admits to just double that number and you'll be closer to the true amount consumed,sadly. He's denying the truth because if he were to admit reality he'd have to admit to his addiction. You could benefit from Al-Anon meetings which are free and anonymous to attend

FusionChefGeoff · 02/01/2020 23:59

I always had a 'stunt' bottle in the fridge that would be my acceptable amount to drink in one night.

DH had no idea about the other one or sometimes two which were hidden in the utility room / wellys / back of the kitchen cupboard / under the BBQ which would take me up to what I actually needed to drink each night Blush

I justified it to myself exactly the same as your DH - I'm only hiding it because he'll nag me if I don't. It's him who drinks weirdly, he doesn't understand how normal my drinking is...

Until I finally couldn't lie to myself anymore and started going to AA

You need to contact Al Anon who will support you as you navigate through this next bit - who knows if your DH will ever have the lightbulb moment that I did, I really hope he does. But there really isn't anything anyone did or said - I had to just get there on my own.

Knowhowufeel · 03/01/2020 00:01

I have a relative going through this and I agree that until the person who's drinking is ready to admit there IS actually a problem nothing will change, no matter what you do.

I don't know how to help my relative, so all I can do is support the people around him, which I'm trying to do.

I really feel for you, but you cannot change him, you cannot control it/him and it's not your fault that he chooses to drink. Flowers

Original poster
dreamingofkitchens · 03/01/2020 09:29

Thank you everyone. I think I’m going to call Al Anon today

OP posts:
bluejelly · 03/01/2020 10:48

Good idea. Best of luck OP

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 11:01

Talk to him. Ask him to come to the GP with you to discuss it.

If the GP agrees he's drinking too much, he cuts down.
If the GP agreed he's not drinking too much, you'll stop nagging.

If he refuses, it's because he knows he's drinking too much.

Downton57 · 03/01/2020 22:44

He's drinking too much and deep down he knows it or he wouldn't be trying to hide it. There's absolutely no point going with him to the GP as he will lie to him/her in the same way he is lying to the OP and the OP doesn't know the full facts because he is hiding them from her so can't tell the GP what is exactly's going on.. She isn't nagging, by the way. His drinking is the problem.

OliveToboogie · 03/01/2020 23:00

As someone in recovery I can say we alcoholics are expert liars. So DH is prob drinking far more than you know. The secret drinking is the slippery slope. He needs to want to stop. Take care of yourself and don't let him drag you down x

3teens · 03/01/2020 23:11

My exDP went through a period of drinking 20+ cans a day. I stopped him buying them. He got into my 'Christmas spirits' and filled them with water.
No amount of begging, pleading, GP visits, hospital advice helped. He took no responsibility for his addiction and blamed everyone else.
Last I heard he was in hospital with liver failure. Aged 41.....

Iris27 · 03/01/2020 23:35

It's all such a cliche. My ex did exactly the same - secret drinking. He blamed me because I nagged him too much about it.

I tried all sorts of tactics and none of them worked because he just doesn't think he has a problem. You can try to help him but ultimately the responsibility for sorting this out lies with him.

The sad thing is the man I used to know is gone, replaced by a selfish tired nasty person.

I left him 2 years ago. He's still drinking.