To be feeling irritated with PIL?

[poppymatilda]

This is a really silly first world problem I know but it really bothers me. PIL are generally pretty good - they make the effort to see our DD (14 mths) and aren't too demanding. FIL likes to lecture us on a few things about how we bring her up and obsessively reads the internet for new pearls of wisdom but we just ignore him. MIL is generally easy going.

The problem is that they buy everything for DD! There is nothing left for me to get her - she has shelves and shelves of books, a cupboard full of toys and every gadget you can think of. When DH and I have asked them to slow down with the buying they've just snuck stuff in - and then I'll find something they don't recognise after they've gone home! At Christmas they made her a stocking (me and DH didn't), bought her an advent calendar of books, a wooden rocking horse and then about 8 or 9 other presents. To be honest I can't even remember what they all were. Then MIL messaged yesterday to say that she'd been to M&S in the sale and got her some clothes as well.

I find it odd because a lot of it is really cheap stuff that she finds in TKMaxx or similar and often doesn't fit (she bought her some clothes for a 3 year old once (when DD was 6 months old) because they were on offer and she couldn't find the label!) or doesn't work very well or isn't at all age appropriate. I feel like she just wastes money for the sake of it.

All of the above I find a bit weird and if I'm honest I feel sad that I haven't really got the chance to buy my DD anything much because she's already always had it all but I also worry that as she gets older she'll just end up a spoil brat, getting presents all the time. DH and I are also not into 'stuff'. But I've mainly let it lie and DH and I have moaned about it privately and agreed we'll tackle more directly as DD gets older and is aware of how much she's being bought.

But the thing that has annoyed me today is about buying a car seat for their car for DD to use when she visits. That hasn't been necessary before because we've had our car with us when we've visited and we suggested not to bother whilst she was less than a year old and in an infant carrier. But now she's older we are thinking about going on the train more in future and they live in a rural area so would need to pick us up from the station. I agree that it makes sense for them to have a car seat in their car and it's nice of them to think about it. But DH and I are very road safety conscious and we have researched and chosen car seats for DD quite carefully - I know that sounds a bit PFB but it's just our thing that we're concerned about given some experiences on the roads we've each had in the past. We've spent more on car seats and less on non-safety things like a buggy - that's just our personal choice.

Last time we were there I tried to suggest we looked on the Mothercare website to see if we could get a good deal after they went bust but FIL just dismissed it and said I'll just pop out the day before you're coming up and get any old one - they had them dead cheap in Lidl the other day. I didn't say anything but I was a bit worried about it because I didn't really want them to choose it without checking in with us.

Now we're going up on the train at the end of Jan and I said in passing in a message this morning that DH and I would sort a car seat in advance and pay for it. They've got really uppity about it, are adamant they want to pay and suddenly it has to be ordered today. They've been inundanting our Whatsapp group with messages and MIL has come up with this story about how she is going to see SIL on Monday and needs it for that (SIL has a 4 week old) so it's urgent. I think that's rubbish - when I saw SIL last week she didn't think they needed to buy one at all as she has two infant carriers at her house anyway (both gifted by family).

The truth is I've actually got no issue with the seat they've chosen. It's not i-size but I'm not bothered about that for occasional use and it's a decent brand. My problem is that they want to take over everything and if I ever express any view or restriction on what they want for DD they make out I'm being idiot or over protective. MIL now seems to have fabricated this whole story about SIL to create urgency and convince us to agree to the seat they've chosen because it's in stock at their local Argos so they can get it today and now FIL is sending me Whatsapp messages about i-size and how it's a waste of money anyway (even though I never said I wanted to buy an i-size but suggested he should check with SIL/BIL that they were ok with it not being i-size too). On the wider family group he's now made a massive thing of the fact that I'm being prescriptive (when actually the first seat they've suggested I've said is fine). I know they're retired so they have nothing better to do but I just wish they'd give it a rest and let me feel in control of my child's needs!

Probably am being a bit over sensitive but I've had lots of family visits due to Christmas and I think I'm just fed up with the lot of them!!!!

We have the excessive buying problem too...I've managed to get the message across to 2 sets of grandparents (they probably thought I was rude but I don't care), they now check before buying things and I give them a few options so they can enjoy choosing something that we actually need.
The other set is still spending a fortune on hideous clothes that are completely the wrong size, and myriad other things, frustrating as it would be great to save this money for music lessons /adventure holidays rather than just waste it.

I think you should probably be irritated at yourself too. You've let this go on far to long. I know it's tricky (I have a steam roller MiL) but I constant reassert the boundaries now even if it's on repeat. It felt odd at first but now it's fine. Much better than being annoyed constantly and basically the annoyance actually being to myself for not being able to say anything.

My DH and I are luckily on the same page with his mum so we both know our rules and both reiterate them to her over and over if necessary. Sure she'll be moaning and blaming me for these things happening but we're happier now we've taken control so good luck to you too!

Has it been discussed if both dgc need it at the same time? Who would have first dibs?

I didn't really want them to choose it without checking in with us. Now we're going up on the train at the end of Jan

You're going to have to drive and not expect lifts in their car then.

I know how you feel my children are in their 20s now. But I had the same thing. It is quite draining.
But once they wasn't babies they seemed to get fed up with them and not be so interested. So I got a a break x

Yanbu, I can see it's stifiling, I would be really annoyed about the Xmas stocking, the car seat if it's one you are happy with I'd let go. you and your dh need a strategy and work as a team to reinforce boundaries consistently, it will take a while for them to get the message. I would be careful about alienating them completely, I can see how annoying it is but having GP who are happy and willing to help with the cost of raising DC can be advantageous, particularly as they get older and you have more DC.

We had this with in laws with first grandchild (to a slightly lesser degree).

My advice for going forwards would be to do what we did: “that’s a lovely thought! Thank you SO much! We’ve got so much at home/that’s such a big toy/we’ve already got one something similar, so I think what we’ll do is leave that one with you so that she’s always got something nice to play with/wear/read/do when we visit. What a lovely idea that is! Such a good idea of you to think of it!” And then only take home or keep the things that are actually useful/you’ve got space for. They’ll get the hint eventually.

With regards to the car seat.

Ignore the group whatsapp conversation. Don’t even get drawn into that seething pit of oneupmanship.

Ring them.

Calmly, politely, but firmly tell them that you are grateful for the offer, that you are grateful for and appreciate their time and effort in researching the options but that it is a safety issue for your child and therefore the final decision about the seat will be yours because you will be paying for it. Repeat whatever parts of that sentence that you need to until they run out of steam.

Stop being doormats. This behaviour of theirs may have started in excitement and love but it is now firmly rooted in control. Start taking it back.

Oh, and YANBU.

@poppymatilda

I think this thread is making me see that I've been a bit too soft on them. I've let FIL tell her off for silly things (dropping her cup on the floor) when she's a baby, I've inwardly cringed whilst he gave her a spoonful of his ice cream before she was on solids and all sorts of other similar things just to keep the peace and not be cast as the over-protective first time mother. In hindsight I don't know why - I guess I just don't have much family of my own so I've been keen for it to work with the ILs sad

I would go mad at this !!! How bloody disrespectful ! I found it hard to stand up for myself at first my in-laws constantly took my newborn off me and passed around like a toy , one smoked an kissed baby on the lips that was it I was fumeing but I made my partner say something as I agree it’s so hard to say anything yourself ...but you build up resentment. I’ve started just taking my baby out of there arms when there upset I’m sick of other people trying to soothe him when I’m sitting right there. Just tell them thanks but I’ve bought a car seat already so you don’t need to worry...and get your partner to start standing up for you or you’ll snap one day and really fall out. X

@Rollonspringtime2020
To be honest, it was never mentioned that it was supposed to be a joint seat until yesterday! SIL had said there was no need for them to get one for her DS because they only come up by car so will always have theirs with them. MIL has suddenly fabricated this whole thing with the other grandchild out of nowhere because I said DH and I would like to choose the seat and we were prepared to pay for it. It's her way of stopping us from having an input.
She suddenly reckons she's going to take SIL's DS out in her car on her own when she stays down there next week (even though DS is 4 weeks old and if they go out SIL will drive using the infant carrier installed in her car) - total rubbish.

I didn't speak to them for most of my pregnancy because FIL was a dickhead about me not wanting to go on a family holiday because I was nervous of miscarriage (having had one just the month before falling pregnant) and disapproved of me chosing a C section even though there was a medical need (albeit not a certain one - I could've gone for a VB if I'd insisted to but the doc preferred CS).

They've been a lot better since DD arrived but I think this little incident has reminded me what they can be like and that I should just keeep my distance. Luckily they live 60 miles away and don't come down much so we can keep to ourselves quite easily. I think over time they'll be more focused on SIL/BIL because they can't afford childcare and need their money much more than we do so they'll become quite remote from us

And do GPs get better once you have a second child? I'm hoping that if we had another one nobody would be as interested and me and DH could just quietly get on with things as a family of 4 just using all the cast offs from DC1 for DC2 and not really having to buy much of anything!

In other news the clothes MIL bought in the sale have arrived today - she has bought her a pair of denim shorts

@BaolFan I love your nuclear option. But I tried a version of your gentle option on them and this is what seems to have got them all upset with me so god knows what the nuclear option would do!

Thanks to all PP who have suggested waiting for my H. Anoyingly he works halfway between their house and our house so it is massively out of his way to come back home and pick us up after his shift finishes at lunchtime and would make it not worth going. I don't have a car myself so I can't drive there without DH

So you dont go.

If they haven't ordered the carseat yet, just order the one you want yourself to be delivered to their house. Once you've paid and sorted delivery let them know it's all sorted.
As for the unsuitable clothes sell them on or drop to charity shops, same with all the stuff. Don't let it pile up, don't open just pass on.

Set up ebay and sell on on unwanted stuff.

Personally if there isn't a problem with the car seat I would go with it and say thank you. But all of the unwanted extra gifts - they can stay at Grandma's house for when you visit. Job done.

I agree with @Ironmanrocks , you say you're fine with the car seat they've chosen so why make such a big issue over it? I don't understand really.
You're annoyed that they're buying a car seat, even though you are happy with the seat they are buying? And you want them to give you a lift, but only with the car seat you've personally bought?
Just pick your battles I think

Take the clothes to the charity shop. If you don't want to go down the nuclear route then go grey rock - disengage completely and every time they turn up with another bagful of crap, send it to the charity shop. Go there with your DH so there is no need for them to use the car seat. Grey rock - google it.

@baolfan
I give a lot of stuff away and we just keep bigger toys so they see them if they visit. With the smaller stuff they forget what they've bought so I can get rid of them.