To be feeling irritated with PIL?

[poppymatilda]

This is a really silly first world problem I know but it really bothers me. PIL are generally pretty good - they make the effort to see our DD (14 mths) and aren't too demanding. FIL likes to lecture us on a few things about how we bring her up and obsessively reads the internet for new pearls of wisdom but we just ignore him. MIL is generally easy going.

The problem is that they buy everything for DD! There is nothing left for me to get her - she has shelves and shelves of books, a cupboard full of toys and every gadget you can think of. When DH and I have asked them to slow down with the buying they've just snuck stuff in - and then I'll find something they don't recognise after they've gone home! At Christmas they made her a stocking (me and DH didn't), bought her an advent calendar of books, a wooden rocking horse and then about 8 or 9 other presents. To be honest I can't even remember what they all were. Then MIL messaged yesterday to say that she'd been to M&S in the sale and got her some clothes as well.

I find it odd because a lot of it is really cheap stuff that she finds in TKMaxx or similar and often doesn't fit (she bought her some clothes for a 3 year old once (when DD was 6 months old) because they were on offer and she couldn't find the label!) or doesn't work very well or isn't at all age appropriate. I feel like she just wastes money for the sake of it.

All of the above I find a bit weird and if I'm honest I feel sad that I haven't really got the chance to buy my DD anything much because she's already always had it all but I also worry that as she gets older she'll just end up a spoil brat, getting presents all the time. DH and I are also not into 'stuff'. But I've mainly let it lie and DH and I have moaned about it privately and agreed we'll tackle more directly as DD gets older and is aware of how much she's being bought.

But the thing that has annoyed me today is about buying a car seat for their car for DD to use when she visits. That hasn't been necessary before because we've had our car with us when we've visited and we suggested not to bother whilst she was less than a year old and in an infant carrier. But now she's older we are thinking about going on the train more in future and they live in a rural area so would need to pick us up from the station. I agree that it makes sense for them to have a car seat in their car and it's nice of them to think about it. But DH and I are very road safety conscious and we have researched and chosen car seats for DD quite carefully - I know that sounds a bit PFB but it's just our thing that we're concerned about given some experiences on the roads we've each had in the past. We've spent more on car seats and less on non-safety things like a buggy - that's just our personal choice.

Last time we were there I tried to suggest we looked on the Mothercare website to see if we could get a good deal after they went bust but FIL just dismissed it and said I'll just pop out the day before you're coming up and get any old one - they had them dead cheap in Lidl the other day. I didn't say anything but I was a bit worried about it because I didn't really want them to choose it without checking in with us.

Now we're going up on the train at the end of Jan and I said in passing in a message this morning that DH and I would sort a car seat in advance and pay for it. They've got really uppity about it, are adamant they want to pay and suddenly it has to be ordered today. They've been inundanting our Whatsapp group with messages and MIL has come up with this story about how she is going to see SIL on Monday and needs it for that (SIL has a 4 week old) so it's urgent. I think that's rubbish - when I saw SIL last week she didn't think they needed to buy one at all as she has two infant carriers at her house anyway (both gifted by family).

The truth is I've actually got no issue with the seat they've chosen. It's not i-size but I'm not bothered about that for occasional use and it's a decent brand. My problem is that they want to take over everything and if I ever express any view or restriction on what they want for DD they make out I'm being idiot or over protective. MIL now seems to have fabricated this whole story about SIL to create urgency and convince us to agree to the seat they've chosen because it's in stock at their local Argos so they can get it today and now FIL is sending me Whatsapp messages about i-size and how it's a waste of money anyway (even though I never said I wanted to buy an i-size but suggested he should check with SIL/BIL that they were ok with it not being i-size too). On the wider family group he's now made a massive thing of the fact that I'm being prescriptive (when actually the first seat they've suggested I've said is fine). I know they're retired so they have nothing better to do but I just wish they'd give it a rest and let me feel in control of my child's needs!

Probably am being a bit over sensitive but I've had lots of family visits due to Christmas and I think I'm just fed up with the lot of them!!!!

Omg you are going without back up? No way imo!

It's a family gathering so wider aunts, uncles, cousins etc will be there - DH has to work in the morning so the idea is that I will go up on the train in the morning and then he'll follow on once he finishes work. So yes, technically I'll be on my own but there'll be SIL and BIL as well as loads of other family there

I’ve just realised, this baby belongs to the family. Stuff that.

What would actually happen if you said no? Would the earth tilt? Would FIL have a stroke?

It’s tough when you don’t have a comparison, but you’ve joined a family where everyone is entirely controlled by 2 people.

Was that the plan you made with DH? Nope, thought not.

It's weird - DH is totally with me on the buying everything for DD issue. It really pisses him off and he has talked to MIL about it (she just ignores him but still at least he tried). On the car seat thing he thinks I'm over-reacting and can't understand why I don't think they're just trying to help.
To me, the car seat thing is worse than the endless presents...

The more you allow them to do what they like where DD is concerned the more they will do it.

YOU are the parent here. At the end of the day no matter what you say, goes. It doesn’t matter that FIL might think it’s nonsense to put DD in a rearward facing car seat, it’s irrelevant. A non issue, because it’s not his baby.

I’m quite alarmed that you would let this go OP.

You need to set boundaries or trust me you'll be dealing with this stuff when your dc is in their teens. I didn't and regret it, mine are now ex in-laws, I'm putting boundaries in place now and it's really hard.

MIL has only just stopped doing stockings but I've always been clear that the main stocking is at home and hers is an extra one, didn't stop her but put her behaviour into context and made me feel slightly better. I would recommend avoiding things becoming routine with in-laws like this, so don't get onto a habit of always going to them for Christmas etc. once they've laid claim to an event it's very difficult getting out of it later.

MIL bought the first pants, weaning spoons etc. To be honest some of it went to the charity shop just so I could buy things for my own child and use them.

It might not be malicious behaviour but it's inappropriate and needs reigning in.

Organise a taxi who provide car seats. Job done.

@NoSauce - don't worry - I'll be there so I'll make sure she's in the car properly. And I wouldn't allow her to visit without me.

Oh sorry OP I missed that you’d be there. Phew.

We just turned up at their house the weekend before Christmas and they had one there for her. I had no idea they were doing it!

Next time just say, thanks but I’ve alteady done one for her, remember how you enjoyed doing one for your children now it’s my turn and pop it on the side.

Do you not think that now your SIL, presumably your MIL's daughter, has had a baby, they may transfer their attention to this new baby, particularly if you call them out on their behaviour?
There are a lot of threads on here complaining about favoured grandchildren. You might be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

When my dgs needed car seats it was me that insisted we bought the safest and I paid.
Tell your il's what car seat you want and make it clear you will not visit if your dd doesn't get the correct seat.
She is not their child. Put your foot down .
My dil is fairly easy going but she would tell me to fuck off if I tried to take over. And quite right. We've taken dgs out today, he's 7, and he asked for a coat he saw. We could easily afford it but I messaged his df, our son, who said he doesn't need it so obviously we haven't bought it.

We have this a bit but with all sets of grandparents! For my DS's first Christmas I bought all the material to make him his own stocking from scratch and used YouTube to learn how to do a blanket stitch and back stitch (I'm not very skilled whem it comes to textiles) and we were so happy with the end result. The next year, 3 sets of grandparents (mine and DH's are all divorced) presented DS with a bought stivming which they had all made up themselves I hung our stocking and put the others under the tree or gave on a different day and once they were emptied I handed them back, thanking them for the lovely gifts and reminding them that DS had his own stocking made by me and the one they bought could be for their house.
It was awkward but frankly they were the ones that put us all in that awkward situation and all in all, no harm done.

We've also had problems with competitive present buying against one another so for DS's birthday last year I delegated his big gift to come from all his grandparents, therefore they ALL got him his 'biggest' gift and they actually felt relieved of the stress of getting the most special and meaningful present.

Something else that you could try is making a wishlist on Amazon, it feels a bit weird and grabby but can be really helpful at redirecting people to things your child doesn't already have or needs. There's also the 'universal wish list' button that you can add to the top of your browser, enabling you to add items from any website to your Amazon list, it just redirects to the other website when they click on it.

First and foremost though, a talk needs to be had with them, you and your DH in order to regain some control.

In regard to the car seat, text the wider group,
thanks so much for the offer of a car seat, dd and sil children aren’t in the same safety bracket so would need different car seats. Sil can advise what suits her dc.. I’ve got ours sorted and it will be delivered to you in a few days.

Then ignore your phone

@mrsmuddlespies

that would be the dream - I'd love my nephew to be the favoured GC!

I genuinely think that MIL might actually be a compulsive shopper and now Xmas is over she's casting around for other stuff to buy. SIL absolutely has no need for her to have a car seat in her car for when she goes on Monday but it's an excuse to go out buying stuff again. She's irrittated because I got in the way with my request to have an input - particularly given that SIL will always drive to their house because she doesn't live near public transport whereas we live in London and the train makes much more sense for us

@Freddiefox
I did initially try this and they just did a load of searches and came up with car seats that would suit both a 4 week old and a 14 month old

You need to tell them this is YOUR child, they've done their parenting and now it's YOUR turn. They ask you before buying anything in future and they don't argue with you about your decisions.

I’m confused. You are happy with the seat, it suits them because they can use it for both children, why are you picking this battle?

If you have issues with them buying too much stuff, tackle them over that. Strange to waste energy, bringing SIL into the fight too, over something you are actually ok with.

It's not about the seat, it's about the fact that they're pissed off that I wanted any input in something for my child.
They have to be in control - it has to be them choosing everything and they always know better than us even though we've been taking care of her with zero help from anyone since she was born. I sometimes wonder how FIL thinks we manage to function day to day without him around to 'guide' us

and then he'll follow on once he finishes work.

Then say you'll be coming with DH later on. Simple.

Stop letting them do things like give her ice cream when you aren't happy about it.

Or you need to reduce their visits to your house.

I think part of the problem is your pissed off they aren’t getting that there is problem and you are getting increasingly pissed off because nothing is changing.
But to be fair you haven’t really told them that their buying is out of hand. They are used to getting their own way because they’ve never been told otherwise. Yes they are wrong but unless you tell them it will continue.
So an examplewith the cardigans, say great lovely, give them back and ask her to store them at hers as you have no room, aid it’s a coat, day great she’s got one she can have a spare one for here.
If she buy dd a bike, you or dh say gosh how generous of you but I was buying her one for her bithday and then just stick to it.

Yes they will be pissed off but so be it, they will learn. Because at the moment it’s you who is pissed off but you’re saying that you are so they just carry on.

I agree you should wait for DH and all go together

YANBU - I want to throttle your pil and I'ver never met them. They need to back the hell off - it's YOUR baby, not theirs. I get the rage hearing about overbearing family members who feel entitled to railroad new parents into whatever they want to do/buy. Buying and choosing items for your baby is one of the biggest pleasures and rewards of becoming a parent, and I feel really strongly that parents should not have this taken away, no matter how good or noble the intentions of the grandparents. It doesn't matter how many awesome seats your FIL researches online - it is enough that you wish to choose the car seat, end of story. FiL in particular seems to think that any objections you raise are merely problems to be solved - that if the can 'prove you wrong' by his internet research then the matter is settled. Again, it is enough that you WANT to choose things for your baby - you don't need to present the inlaws with an irrefutable written legal case to back up the way you feel.

Wait for your H and go together in the car.

In terms of how to address this - three options:

1. Gentle-ish. A text in the family group to say that it's kind of them to offer but you're sure they'll understand that as DD is your baby, you and H will decide what seat you want her to travel in. You'll let them know if you need any help.

1. Very firm. A text in the family group saying that you aren't being 'prescriptive' - you are simply pointing out that you would like some input into a major piece of safety equipment for your baby. And that actually you hadn't asked them to buy a seat and would in fact prefer that they didn't.

1. Nuclear option. A text in the family group to say that you are tired of being bombarded with shopping that you haven't asked for and that you don't need. That you aren't able to buy things for your own baby because they seem to be obsessed with being 'first' and doing it themselves. That whilst you appreciate they want to help you would prefer that they stopped being so overbearing and that any further unwanted items will be donated to the local women's refuge. That this is not up for discussion and you will no longer be leaving the family chat because you need a break from being managed by them.

Up to you which one you go for, but people like this don't go quietly so in your shoes I'd go for number 3.

That should say you will be leaving the family chat!

If you were feeling particularly bolshie you could point out that DD is not a dolly and that this is not PIL 'do-over' baby. They've had their turn at being parents and that all they are doing is ruining any chance of having a good GP relationship with your DD.