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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to take time off work to visit suicidal adult dd?

33 replies

whatisforteamum · 02/01/2020 10:40

The early hours of the other night I get a call from dd.She left home 3 years ago and built herself a nice life.She was in tears saying she didn't want to live anymore.I was unaware she was so depressed.We both work shifts and have been extremely busy.I knew her landlord was selling her home which is the final straw for her.
I informed my work and after I knew she was safe in A and E and received help I went to work as it was NYE.
One of my managers asked if I should be there as I looked like crap myself understandably.
Dd lives over 200 miles away and my own anxiety means I can only see her if Dh takes me as public transport is too much for me.
This would involve being off the weekend.I am worried sick about her and guilty I hadn't realized she was struggling so much.
Where do I stand regarding family emergencies? I have worked there almost 3 years and has minimal sick days.We are quiet at work now.
Sorry for the depressing question.

OP posts:

Annabk · 02/01/2020 10:43

So sorry, what a stressful time . I would just call your manager, have an honest conversation explaining the situation and your worries. Ask for annual leave/emergency leave and see what they say. I’m sure they will advise and hopefully sympathise too.

MaintainTheMolehill · 02/01/2020 10:44

You drop everything and go to your DD. I'm sure any employer would accept this but surely it doesn't matter as your dd is more important.

popcorndiva · 02/01/2020 10:44

I would have a chat with your manager. They may give it as compasionate leave or let you use annual leave. Every company has different set ups.

Damntheman · 02/01/2020 10:45

Agree with PP, talk to your managers. The one you spoke to already sounds sympathetic! If I was your manager I would encourage you to go in a heartbeat; this is your child and she needs you. I'm so sorry that she and you are suffering so

GreaterSpottedFemale · 02/01/2020 10:45

I would think that a severely mentally ill daughter, to the extent she has been hospitalised due to suicidal ideations, counts as an emergency. Even if my boss said it legally wasn't, I'd still be saying to them I won't be in until I know my child is safe to be without my support.

Thedeadwood · 02/01/2020 10:47

Are you actually asking if you should take time off to go and see your suicidal daughter? In which case the answer is obviously yes and I can’t believe any parent needs to ask that question.

If the actual question is how should this “leave” be squared away at work, can you afford to just take the time as annual leave? Your manager obviously knows what’s going on and seems understanding so why not talk to them about what’s doable.

PlomBear · 02/01/2020 10:47

Family comes over any job.

Summerandsparkle · 02/01/2020 10:48

Yes of course, please just go!! Family comes first.

insancerre · 02/01/2020 10:50

Yes, just go
Work will understand, I’m sure

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 02/01/2020 10:53

She was discharged with increased meds.Most of my family have MH issues my dsis has schizophrenia so that is why I urged dd to receive help as she was hearing voices.
It turns out it is highly likely to be the anxiety causing it.She couldn't eat or sleep so as I have a breakdown in my 20s I urged her to get help.She didn't want us overcrowding her but I feel we should check on her now.😰
She has been assessed by the crisis team and has emergency numbers to call.

OP posts:

MsAwesomeDragon · 02/01/2020 10:53

Yes, take the time off. Talk to your manager about what sort of leave this counts as but definitely take the time to go see your daughter.

My dd had a MH crisis at uni last year. I went to get her immediately, and phoned work as a bit of an afterthought tbh. They were fine with it obviously, and I'm not even sure what they put it down as but I still got paid for that day (that's not guaranteed, it depends on what you do and your manager). I got a lot of support from work while dd was ill, although I only took the one day off as I brought dd home with me.

Talk to your manager. Explain the situation and see what they can do. Could you bring dd home to stay with you for a while? Would that work with her life?

Emilizz34 · 02/01/2020 10:58

I’m sorry to hear this .
I would consider this to be a very serious emergency that requires your presence and support unless of course your dd has a partner or close friends with her .
You mention that your dd was in A/E on NYE. Where is she now ? Has she been discharged or admitted ?
You should chat to your manager . I think you may have been in shock hence the reason for going into work on NYE .

ohprettybaby · 02/01/2020 11:00

Inform your employer that you need to take emergency leave immediately. Being with your DD is far more important than any job. I'm sure your employer will be understanding.

Cornettoninja · 02/01/2020 11:05

I agree with you sounding in shock, it’s not surprising you would be struggling to get your thoughts straight.

I think your manager sounds like they’ll be supportive and I think you would benefit from hugely seeing her and talking through what’s going on right now. Try to organise it and then take it from there.

Topseyt · 02/01/2020 11:08

Of course you must go to her. I would.

This is hard on you all, and not least your DD. I too have a DD (17 now) with mental health issues and she still reaches the odd crisis point. I do know how worrying and scary it is, as you feel so powerless. I'm worried about what 2020 will bring for mine as she is in year 13 at school, has her A Levels to get through and then to transition to uni after that. She is already terrified and I am concerned. I'll be going to some more of her clinic appointments with her again in the next few weeks (she had wanted a bit more independence recently, so I stepped back a bit) and we'll take it from there.

If I have to go to wherever she ends up at uni though then I will, whatever is happening at work. Family is more important, every time.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 02/01/2020 11:13

Mrsawsomedragonethank you.Yes I have suggested she comes her for a break.On the outside she looks very content and goes to work.I knew she had anxiety which she had been to the GP several times for.
I guess being informed she needs to vacate her home in one month is the tipping point.
There are few places to rent where she lives and the place they had was very cheap.They have been offered a room by someone.
Yes I was in shock I didn't know what I was doing at work tbh.There but not there.
I feel like I am being slightly bullied at work myself with little support I seem to have a large supportive group and 2 or 3 that are looking to put the boot in!!.
Is your DD better now?

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Original poster

whatisforteamum · 02/01/2020 11:18

Thank you for the reply topseyt. It is difficult to step back isn't it.The only advantage I have is I have been there in my 20s.I was so bad I didn't work for 18 months.I know how it feels to be overwhelmed and think life won't improve.Good luck with your DD in 2020.

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CarolinaPink · 02/01/2020 11:30

I'm sorry this has happened and I hope your daughter is okay. Whether work have to help will depend upon terms of your contract but if not then ask to take some time to see her from your annual leave. You may also find your GP willing to sign you off if what has happened has made you so anxious that you're unfit for work. My fingers are crossed for you and DD

LakieLady · 02/01/2020 11:35

Go to her, OP. She needs you.

ByeMF · 02/01/2020 11:37

To be fair your GP would probably sign you off work in these circumstances. Might be worth giving the surgery a ring.

Strongmummy · 02/01/2020 11:40

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Mental health issues are just so hard. It sounds as though your manager is understanding anyway so I’d hope you’d have no issue in telling him/her that you need to be with your DD xxx

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 02/01/2020 12:07

Thank you I am crying now!!I am trying not to be self another but it honestly is such a shock.She is such a funny popular beautiful girl it breaks my heart that she wants to die.
She had a trip abroad next week that she has cancelled.Like I said I have anxiety so bad I had to give up driving.
It is so weird that this has happened it
.I blame myself obviously that perhaps I made her anxious.All my family have depression and think our controlling dm may have contributed to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 02/01/2020 12:18

Great idea about sick note.I have only just recovered to the point I can go into town alone myself since getting my hrt.
I feel a huge pressure to work and I do do 11/12 hour days.
Breathing space to sort DD out would be great.I know some of my young teen colleagues will not understand the strain I am under though.

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Dubya · 02/01/2020 12:21

Sorry to hear this OP, mental health doesn't discriminate and it must be really stressful for you. I would say go to see your DD, getting signed off so you don't have to worry about work (I know your DD is more important, but realistically being off work can be very stressful too)

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 02/01/2020 13:06

All your replies have helped me immensely.I feel so lost and lonely that I couldn't think straight.FLOWERS

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