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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is being grabbed and pushed ever okay?

38 replies

TooMuchToConsider · 01/01/2020 22:45

If there's an argument between two people, is it a big deal if one person grabs the other person by the arms (facing each other) and pushes that person hard enough to move them a few paces backwards? The grab and push is an attempt to take an argument happening in public to a slightly different space that is perhaps marginally more private?

The grab and push don't hurt nor cause any physical harm (although the person being pushed resists, so it MIGHT be possible that without the resistance the person might have bumped or hit something).

Relatively minor on the physical altercation scale, heightened emotions etc. Is it just a blip?

This is not an argument between a couple.

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 01/01/2020 22:48

I don't think it is ok in those circumstances.

I would say it is only ok if the person is moving you out of danger (like you were about to get run over).

GertrudeCB · 01/01/2020 22:49

Nope.

Weenurse · 01/01/2020 22:49

Not ok to grab and push during an argument

Cherrysoup · 01/01/2020 22:50

Assault is never ok.

ChocolateTeapots1 · 01/01/2020 22:50

Was it the pope again?

littlecabbage · 01/01/2020 22:52

It is not clear how we should vote. I voted YANBU to signify that I do not think that behaviour is acceptable. It sounds like a bullying, controlling behaviour.

Original poster
TooMuchToConsider · 01/01/2020 22:53

@chocolateteapots1 - that made me chuckle.

If you are the person pushed, what do you do/how do you act/ what do you expect from the other person?

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 01/01/2020 22:54

No, this was not to get someone out of the way of a truck, it was an argument.

The person who grabbed and pushed was physically dominating the other. It was an assault. It breached a boundary. This sort of bullying, throwing the weight around intimidation often precedes an attack with fists.

It sounds as if someone is trying to minimise what happened; nobody should fall for that.

DramaAlpaca · 01/01/2020 22:55

I don't think that behaviour is acceptable in any circumstances.

Original poster
TooMuchToConsider · 01/01/2020 22:55

Sorry, realised I didn't do proper AIBU and I didn't actually realise aboutt the voting button.

I guess it would be:

YANBU - Being pushed and grabbed is never okay
YABU - this sounds very minor and like it's not a big deal.

(but as I honestly don't know how I even feel, as the person being pushed, I can't ask if I am reasonable/unreasonable because I don't seem to have the ability to formulate my feelings).

OP posts:
Branster · 01/01/2020 22:57

This is most certainly not OK during an argument or any kind of interaction between couples, relatives, friends or strangers ever.

It’s only OK if you remove someone out of harms way because they can’t or don’t want to do it themselves.

NearlyGranny · 01/01/2020 22:57

If someone wants to move the discussion to a more private space, they have the option to say so! If you were the one doing the pushing, Toomuch, shame on you. If you were the one being pushed, this is a person you need to cut out of your life

Cryingoverspilttea · 01/01/2020 22:59

If anyone grabbed me like that they would be on their arse within moments.

I don't start physical altercations but after years of being victim to them I know exactly how to participate just enough and end them pretty swiftly.

It is not ok, OP.

Are you ok?

cousinboneless · 01/01/2020 22:59

No. You do not put your hands on another person during an argument, that takes it to another level.

Emmelina · 01/01/2020 23:01

The only time it’s acceptable is to move someone out of danger quickly.
Any other time it is just going to escalate the situation!

1Morewineplease · 01/01/2020 23:01

Never ok.

cabbageking · 01/01/2020 23:05

This would be assault and the person is also resisting, so some force was used.

This is never acceptable

Original poster
TooMuchToConsider · 02/01/2020 06:39

@Cryingoverspilttea I'm not really sure to be honest. I mean, no one was hurt, I didn't actually feel threatened at all and I keep thinking it's not that big a deal. Then I imagine DH doing it or someone on the playground and I realise how not okay it would be. It's all just very odd.

OP posts:
SilverDragonfly1 · 02/01/2020 07:18

The reason it would bother me is that if someone thinks that is okay while having a smaller argument, what would they think was okay when they were really angry?

MarieG10 · 02/01/2020 07:23

Common assault contrary to section 39 of the Offences Against the Persons Act

GameChange123 · 02/01/2020 07:27

OP who did this to you?

Pinkbonbon · 02/01/2020 07:27

What silverdragonfly1 said.

I think if it looked like you were coming at them then grabbing your arms to hold you off them might have been OK. But shoving, no.

Also, i'd be very concerned about anyone getting in your personal space in any way if you aren't close to them (?) too. Narcissists and the like like to test boundaries by being overly touchy/grabby.

It could escalate. And I wouldn't want to be around that person anymore.

ChazP · 02/01/2020 08:52

I remember having an argument with OH in the first year of us dating (about 12 years ago now). I shoved him back so I could shut the bedroom door. It’s the only time I’ve ever been physical in temper and I was so shocked at my own behaviour. I have never forgotten it (and never repeated it). So no, it’s not ok to ever use physical force in an argument and I come from that as having once (only once) been the one that crossed the line.

redwoodmazza · 02/01/2020 11:06

I think that as soon as you lay hands on another person, it counts as an assault?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/01/2020 11:08

You don't need to physically hurt someone to cause harm.

Any kind of physical force against another person just because you're arguing is crossing a line, regardless of the size of the other person or how cross you are. I've had times when I've had to leave rooms when I've been rowing with DH because I can feel murderous rage coming on, but I'd rather leave a room than throw or shove or push.