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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this will be the decade I lose my children

29 replies

theduchessstill · 01/01/2020 22:30

Ok, so the title is a bit dramatic but it is how I feel. I've always felt everything is temporary and now just have a feeling that good things are coming to an end.

I'm divorced and until now dc have always preferred being with me and, especially ds1, moaned about going to ex's. I've done everything I can to keep the relationship going, despite knowing ex is an arse (not abusive, just a common or garden twat) but this holiday it's really hit home how much like his dad ds1 is becoming, and he also seems a lot more positive about his dad - which is good but also hard, though it makes me a cow to admit it.

Ds, not in a bad way, has shown his dad's mannerisms and patterns of speech, more than I've ever noticed before. He's also started watching some shit old tv shows his dad watches on Netflix with him and though that's a trivial matter I'm finding it all really hard. Ex also has a lot more contact with his extended family than I do, and ds seems to have really enjoyed that this Christmas after having moaned about them for the last few years (they are all adults). Again, I don't begrudge the dc a good time, but I'm finding it hard to adjust to the change in attitude, which has been really sudden.

I just feel shit -I'm so stretched all the time and so snappy and bad tempered it's obvious the dc would prefer being with someone more relaxed. Ds2 is being failed by both of us I think. It just feels like this is my last decade of being mainly a parent and ot has been pretty shit really, in the sense that my marriage fell apart etc, but the one ahead is really scary as the dc will reach adulthood and now seem to be moving away in other ways too.

I know IBU and need a kick up the bum...

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 01/01/2020 23:50

🌸 I think it's par for the course as a parent to always feel you could be doing more. In our house I'm the one that disciplines the kids, nags them to do homework etc and my husband organises the day trips/fun stuff. Allow yourself a wallow, then chin up, you're doing a great job

BrickTop999 · 02/01/2020 00:04

Let your ds enjoy being with his dad
Your bitterness is awful and will destroy your relationship with your dc

Kitsandkids · 02/01/2020 00:07

I’m a foster carer to 2 kids who have been with me the best part of the last decade. It’s possible that during this one they’ll grow up and decide to cut all contact with me. But I can’t dwell on that, I just have to do the best for them that I can while they’re with me and let the future sort itself out.

You won’t lose your children OP. They may spend less time with you, as is the case in most families as children grow up, but they’ll know their mum is always there if they need her.

NeverTwerkNaked · 02/01/2020 00:17

Why are you stressed and bad tempered? It seems like a good idea to work on that, yes.

But also please don't let your thoughts head down this path. Honestly. I am a step mum to 2 DC and we are much more relaxed than their mum, spend more on fun (for good reason, I can't guarantee my son will live to adulthood) and have a large and very fun extended family. Their mum is super strict and her family even more so. They still love her so much. They might not love everything she does, and I wish I could persuade her to prioritise fun more, but they absolutely love her and you can tell they still need her so much.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/01/2020 00:20

Op why do you feel you're both failing ds2? Why are you stressed and snappy so much? Those are the bits you can try and tackle. Your kids will need you whatever age they are x

NeverTwerkNaked · 02/01/2020 00:21

You can though take this as a health check to look for things to share with your DC. Hobbies or travelling or just a shared love of a certain type of film or video game. Choose to watch films they choose with them, or choose to play a video game with them. Or if you are sporty pick up a hobby together - my son and I are learning kayaking together and we've also done skiing and ice skating.
I am sure part of the reason I stayed close to my parents as a teenager was because we did sports together.

And don't push them away/retreat. Even if they veer more towards their dad they will still want you in their lives.

BillHadersNewWife · 02/01/2020 00:21

You're their Mum. Nothing tops that. Nothing.

DC MAY have some of your ex's characteristics but he's also got yours. Ignore the ones that annoy you (shit TV) and focus on all the good ones.

Tessabelle74 · 02/01/2020 00:22

@BrickTop999
Where did you get op was bitter about her child's relationship with the ex's family from? She's clearly sad to not feel like she's able to give quality time the same, probably as she's doing the vast majority of the hard work of parenting whilst Dad gets to do all the fun stuff. Nowhere did she say she begrudged the relationship

freddiethegreat · 02/01/2020 00:30

I think I will be lucky if my 16 year old is still living here next New Year. But given his age (& some of his challenges), even if he is here in a year, he won’t be here in 5! That’s parenting. It will destroy me (presumably temporarily) when he goes, but you want them to be able to move into independent living when they’re ready.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/01/2020 00:53

Your story is a warning to mothers who insist on pushing their children to have regular contact/visitation with abusive exs. "He is a terrible husband and a vile person but he Is Their Father." Children who are forced to have contact eventually come to one of two conclusions - "I hate my mom for not protecting me from this person" or "This person must not be so bad. My mom wants me to visit him."

Jux · 02/01/2020 01:21

How old are your children?

Original poster
theduchessstill · 02/01/2020 08:32

Thank you for replies.

They are 10 & 12. I honest;y don't think I would ever have been justified in stopping the dc from seeing ex - he's lazy, pays nothing towards them and buys them nothing they need but he does love them. He spends most of his time when not with the dc about a 90 minute drive away in his home town where he stays with family who probably subsidise him. It would be lot easier for him to just move there but he keeps a house here for the dc, which I do appreciate despite all his faults.

I'm tired and stressed because of work and I sometimes think I've prioritised my career over the dc and regret it, but it's too late to change it now. If I stepped back a bit what would I do when they leave? Also, we have always needed the money.

Ds2 is so different from ds1, who has always been like a mini adult and loves history, politics, cricket etc. Then there's ds2 who likes things more typical of a 10 year old. I'm finding ds1 dominating the conversation all the time and ds2 ending up on a screen somehow. Like we'll come in from a day out and I'll need to cook so ds1 comes and talks in the kitchen and ds2 ends up on a screen. I know it's worse at dad's as he does nothing to try and mitigate it.

I don;t know -it's just so hard atm. This is the first year I've used no childcare, so all meals need cooking by me and they're both home before me so I need to try and be home earlier and then work when they're, in bed, which is obviously a lot later than it used to be, so that also makes it hard. These are problems their dad never has so it'll be a lot easier there.

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 02/01/2020 10:55

@GeorgiaGirl52
It's hardly along thread yet you still managed to not read it properly! OP clearly said the Dad ISN'T abusive!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/01/2020 12:37

Tessabelle74 please note op dripfed info that dad wasn't abusive after my response was posted. Let's try to be kind in 2020.

MrsMillerbecameababy · 02/01/2020 12:44

With all due respect by the end of the decade they'll be adults, so it's not their dad you'll lose them to, they're just growing up.

However it is really hard to have no time for both of them, most of us know what you mean there I expect.

Any chance they could have separate contact with their dad to allow you some time with DS2? It certainly sounds as though your relationship with dc1 is good as he follows you into the kitchen to talk, and the problem is more that he dominates and dc2 is happy to let him because he likes his screen time.

ohprettybaby · 02/01/2020 12:45

Just because your children love their DF and enjoy being with him now doesn't mean they love you or being with you any the less. There's enough love to go around.

You will never lose your children and their love unless you do something horrid to them or try to turn them against their father.

Be glad for your children.

Tessabelle74 · 02/01/2020 13:05

@GeorgiaGirl52
Erm it's in the first post 🤔

SummerPavillion · 02/01/2020 13:09

OP you don't need a kick up the bum, you need a hug Flowers

Is there any more practical/emotional support you can get from anywhere?

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 02/01/2020 13:11

I know how you feel OP. My children's Dad has spent the last five years mainly abroad, seeing them on average four times a year, if that and calling once a month, if that. He's back in the U.K. now. Pays nothing still, has nowhere to have them overnight but has decided he wants to be father of the year. Phoning and messaging every day as he has nothing else going on in his life at the moment. I don't and never would discourage the relationship. I am neutral when he is discussed but it sticks in my throat that I have been here working myself into a shadow of exhaustion and stress to give them a good life and he just swans back in. It's hard and you're NOT bitter for finding it difficult.

FrivolousPancake · 02/01/2020 14:03

You need to change your mindset or this bitterness will destroy you. I saw it with my own DM and it ended up ruining our relationship, I’ve seen it several times with friends after a split or divorce and I recognize it in myself too.

Instead of being envious that ex can offer my DD a big extended family, I’m grateful he can provide something I can’t.
Same with the fact he has a long term live in relationship, I could be mad with jealousy that I haven’t the time or inclination to date because the majority of my life is centered around providing DD with a nice life and sculpting her into a lovely human. Instead I’m glad DD gets to see what a normal relationship looks like and has another person who cares about her in her life.

Then there’s all the things me and DD have that’s impenetrable, our sense of humor etc.

I understand everything you’ve said completely and sometimes I catch myself thinking how like her father is when DD has annoyed me, but overall try change your perception of things and focus on you and your relationship with your sons. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

Lllot5 · 02/01/2020 14:09

I said exactly this when I first split up with my ex. He’s not abusive just a prick. If I could have I would have stopped them seeing him but they were adults so there it is. Fast forward ten years. They still see him ( bar one ds) but they have come to the realisation that he is a prick but he’s their dad.
It’ll be ok they will know what’s what just trust them.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2020 14:11

You're stressed and snappy because you're doing everything while your ex plays Disney Dad.

You're the real parent and while they don't appreciate it now, I'll bet your DC will in the future. One positive thing is that they're getting to an age where they can help out more around the house. My two (14 & 11) have to do certain chores and while there's a fair bit of moaning, I think they understand that it helps everyone out.

Hang in there, OP, you're doing a great job. Flowers

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/01/2020 21:53

Tessabelle74 you are correct. I am not British and I thought "arse" and "twat" were descriptions of a bad parent. I apologize to you and the op. However I stand by my opinion regarding forced contact.

daydreambeleiver · 02/01/2020 22:02

Kids grow up, lives change and we need to embrace it. I know my relationship with my kids will change dramatically this year, but they are adults and I need to put myself first

Fightingmycorner2019 · 02/01/2020 22:14

Christmas is always a trying time . Especially for divorced families . So bear that in mind

Focus away from them and onto you

What things can you do for you this year that you have always wanted to do but couldn’t ?

Even baby steps . You sound low (it’s January , Xmas ) fairly normal
But your kids growing up does give you more time for yourself and to focus on your own personal growth and development

You are worth it

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