Step-sibling family - to invite or not? AIBU?

[MysticalCat]

Every year for as long as I can remember, we've had Christmas Day at my Mum and Stepdad's with both my own sister (and her growing family) and my step-sister with her family. Other than by marriage of parents, I am not related at all to my step-sister and we are not close.

Mum is finding it too much having 15 people at hers and can't cope with cooking the dinner anymore despite us helping.....admittedly it is utter chaos. IMO 15 people is way too many and it makes for too many people to see all the gift opening activity so things get opened and I've no idea whether recipient liked it as I never saw them open it.

I'm happy to host at mine but don't want 15 people and have no interest in having my step sister and her family, we are not close and have nothing in common other than our parents are married. The suggestion of only inviting parents and my sister didn't go down too well with parents. I've suggested eating out for Christmas Day with everyone but that also didn't go down well due to financial reasons. Christmas is worse than wedding politics, lol!

AIBU? My home, my choice etc? Should I just get on with making plans for my household? Am I being rude and selfish? This crops up every year and it drags me down (not to mention Mum ending up in tears cooking dinner every year).

Well I'm not surprised it didn't go down well, as much as she means nothing to you she is your step dad's daughter!

Could your Mum and Stepdad start a rotation for Christmas Day between the three daughters?
I know a lot of people where distance or numbers are an issue have parents on annual rotation, so one year adult DC1 hosts, next year adult DC2 etc.

Ask your mum if you do Christmas dinner for her and your sister and family, she would do a buffet style which you’ll help her with on Boxing Day as a compromise.

Time for you all to do your own thing I am afraid, or rotate as other poster suggests. Could not cope with all that hassle.

You stay home with your family and then your mother can have the others to her and her dhs house without as much stress.

Are you really this tone deaf? You want your stepdad to celebrate Christmas without his daughter who has previously always attended. So does it also follow that should your stepsister host you will equally be excluded and not see your mum?

Why don't you try and solve the chaotic elements of the day? Split the gift giving in batches so that they are opened from each family in turn rather than randomly. How can you change the meal prep? There must be alternatives to excluding your sister whom you seem to actively dislike. Not having things in common is not reason enough to exclude them at Christmas I'm afraid. She is just as much a part of the family and your suggestion was nasty and probably quite hurtful to your stepdad especially.

Of course your Mum and step-dad are upset that you want to break the tradition of all their children being together for Christmas dinner.

Could you focus on how to make things easier for your Mum - between yourself, your sister and step-sister - could one bring desserts, one be there early/the day before to help with dinner prep and set tables, etc. Maybe another cook some dishes and bring with you.

Regarding present chaos, if each person gets 15 presents, time to cut back a little. Or maybe space out present giving - children’s presents distributed out before dinner, adults afterwards.

How would you feel if your step-sister hosted your mum and her dad but didn't invite you?
If that is ok then maybe a rotation would work.
If not you have to do your own thing.

YABU for all of the reasons pp have suggested. Comes across quite mean.

Well your a cheery selfish step sister arnt you. Either stay at home with your own DC or help share the load for your mum's sake. You cant just not invite your step dad's daughter after all these years. No wonder your DM was upset

My extended family is big and in recent times, we've gone our for lunch....if you save from the beginning of the year it's doable. It's costed up to £75 a head.

Anything with lots of people will be chaotic. We exchange some gifts before the day itself and accept the chaos as part of the fun.

We've also done it where we all cook a dish...abd not just buying desserts, but doing a joint or one has done the Turkey, so it means my DM has done very little...apart from host in her house.

There are many ways to make Christmas Day less stressful. We only give gifts to kids and grown ups do Secret Santa.
When one of my SIL's id doing Christmas she cooks everything herself, the other one asks us to bring certain things so she and her husband only do potatoes and meats + gravy. The rest is decided weeks in advance.
There are 5 "step--sisters" in total + your mum, so you can suggest that you do the potatoes and 2 meats and gravy/bread sauce, someone can do the starter, 2 other people bring the side veg dishes and 2 bring puddings. It works for us for many years and everyone enjoys it that way.

You sound selfish plus its just been christmas already and you're already wanted to monopolise next christmas. Rotate it but you cant expect to be priority. It's clear you dislike you're step sister.

OP did you spend Christmas Day plotting this rebellion? It sounds like you have been waiting to get rid of SS. You need to step back and think, Is this about mum, or am I using this as an excuse to remove SS from Xmas day.

You can’t expect your stepdad to agree to permanent Christmases without his own daughter. Why not do a rotation as PPs have suggested, or each have Christmas at your own house and your DM and DSD rotate.

Your house your choice, but don’t expect people to tow your line.
If I was your step dad, I’d say great op and her family can do what they like that wil cut the numbers down by 4.
11 people left for us to cater for at ours.

Offer to host next year. That's the right thing to do. Reduce the number of presents bought. Do relaxed Christmas lunch, buffet style, everyone helps/brings a dish, M&S pre- prepared if possible.
It's only one day a year and you are doing it for your mum.

As families grow, then many (most?) families get to a stage where it all becomes too much to have everyone together.

Why not have a conversation with your sister, and suggest that you start taking turns to host your parents on Christmas day (so they come to each of you 1 year in 3).
It becomes - as you've suggested - ovewhelming with that many there.

You can always do a 'buffet tea' for everyone over the holiday period, when it isn't your turn to host your parents. This way, you can presumably also see your In-laws on one of the alternate years?
Maybe do Christmas together with your sister and family when your parents go to your step sister's?

What I don't think you can do is include both parents, one of their 3 dc (and family) and not the other.

The suggestion of only inviting parents and my sister didn't go down too well with parents.

Were you expecting it to?

Bring food to your mums or be a decent daughter and arrive early to help her cook. Ie stop freeloading.

Well aren’t you a delight . As pp have said you stay home and let the rest of the family enjoy their Christmas .

Why can't they take it in turns?

I used to hate having Christmas with my step-family. It was one of only two days in the year I ever clapped eyes on them.

Alternatively do a simpler Christmas meal? Surely the most important thing is people being with who matters to them rather than the stress of dinner? If your poor mum is in tears it's time to look at priorities. I'd be having a buffet or something easier to make before I excluded a family member.

We all bring something, jobs divided up well in advance by SIL who hosts.
DB1 does prawns and seafood starter. DB2&3 do roast meats, SIL’s do snacks, nibbles, salads and dessert.
DM does a fruit platter.
Everyone brings drinks.

How awful of you to suggest this op. Of course she is upset. Put yourself in her shoes.