Step-sibling family - to invite or not? AIBU?

[MysticalCat]

Every year for as long as I can remember, we've had Christmas Day at my Mum and Stepdad's with both my own sister (and her growing family) and my step-sister with her family. Other than by marriage of parents, I am not related at all to my step-sister and we are not close.

Mum is finding it too much having 15 people at hers and can't cope with cooking the dinner anymore despite us helping.....admittedly it is utter chaos. IMO 15 people is way too many and it makes for too many people to see all the gift opening activity so things get opened and I've no idea whether recipient liked it as I never saw them open it.

I'm happy to host at mine but don't want 15 people and have no interest in having my step sister and her family, we are not close and have nothing in common other than our parents are married. The suggestion of only inviting parents and my sister didn't go down too well with parents. I've suggested eating out for Christmas Day with everyone but that also didn't go down well due to financial reasons. Christmas is worse than wedding politics, lol!

AIBU? My home, my choice etc? Should I just get on with making plans for my household? Am I being rude and selfish? This crops up every year and it drags me down (not to mention Mum ending up in tears cooking dinner every year).

Wow that is very harsh indeed of you.
Your stepsister may mean nothing to you but to her father she is just as important as you are to your dm.

Why is it okay for your dm to see both her dd's on xmas but step dad is not to see his only dd.

You and your sister could alternate who goes to your dms each year and stepsister goes every year.
That mean both parents each see one of their children on Xmas day.
That fairer if you are going to start cutting people out.
But I think cutting anyone out is horrid tbh

I'm not surprised that went down badly.

Does anyone help your Mum or is she left doing everything?

How about your parents spend Christmas Day with one side of the family and Boxing Day with the other? Then obviously alternate each year. Families do eventually get too big to have one big get together - it just ends up in 2-3 smaller groups.

Or all take responsibility for a different part of the meal and bring the food with you?

YANBU your sister is your family. Your step Dad and your Step DD are not. You spend it with who you like.

You've extended the invite. It is now time for them as a couple to be grown up and arrange their Christmas. It's not on you to try to please everyone.

We have over 20 for our Christmas, so usually the host does meat and we all bring a dish or two or three and eat buffet style. All the presents go under a tree and people take turns at opening.

Very I am going to host MY MUM to take the BURDEN away and I SUPPOSE we'll have to have YOUR DAD too but you are nothing to me SO FUCK OFF

Are there any in-laws involved here? Are the sisters all single parents, if not, do you never go to respective in-laws houses, or host them?

I would rotate in future.

Wow how mean are you. It’s ok for your mum to see her daughters but not your step dad? How about trying to get to know your stepsister and getting on with her? Or is that to much for you?

As others have said, either you all host your parents separately every three years, you do your own thing and don’t see your mum and stepdad on Christmas Day, or you all take a share in helping with the food etc so it doesn’t fall on your mum

If I was your mum I would be extremely upset with you for this nasty behaviour

Do you all live close? Couldn't you all unwrap pressies at your own houses on Christmas Morning to cut out some of the chaos? That's what we all do, and then meet up for dinner! Eating out for Christmas Dinner can be expensive, but a lot of pubs/restaurants will let you book early with a deposit and then pay off monthly so it's more manageable..there will be a solution whereby everyone can still spend Christmas day together.

I think it's really unfair to cut your step sister out, but what's worse is you're doing it under the guise of helping your mum, when it's clearly just dislike of your step sister!

Its incredibly mean of you to exclude your step sibling and stop her spending Xmas with her father.

I've had four step parents in my life and step siblings I can't stand at all but if we'd been doing Xmas like you describe for years I wouldn't then exclude them and I'd feel hurt if they held xmas at theirs and excluded me.

If you think 15 is too many then perhaps you could reduce the numbers by excluding yourself?

Also good on your mum for wanting her step daughter to be treat like the rest of her family and making sure she's included.

"YANBU your sister is your family. Your step Dad and your Step DD are not. You spend it with who you like. "

Wow.

I agree. My step 'family' came along when I was in my late 30s. I didn't like them. Pretty sure they didn't like me either.

Blending adult families is always going to be hard and sometimes really doesn't work.

If your mum has been in overall charge of dinner for umpteen years and it's stressing her out I'm sure the rest of you are all big enough to tell her next Xmas she can relax because between you, you will do it all - prepping, cooking and tidying.

If this issue is cropping up every year then sorry the issue isn't that it's too many people it's that collectively you're not taking the load off your mother. The answer isn't to exclude people, it's to make sure everyone is contributing and so everyone has a chance to enjoy the day rather than stress about hosting.

I’d just stay home and do a pop in visit to family.

DH is on his 3rd stepmum. 2 of them came along when he was in his 30s/40s. He has nothing to do with their children and they have nothing to do with him.

Are you planning Xmas 2020 already?!

@Ginger1982 what's Wow about that?

Two adults decided to marry. Doesn't mean their adult children have to become siblings.

Why don't you and DH do all the cooking at your mothers house. She can sit and play with the grandchildren.

It is your rules in your home.
We stopped dinner at DM's years ago, it is sad to break up tradition on your DM & DSD as they can no longer manage.
They probably didn't manage for years but put up with it so all the family could be together.
Can you book a hotel for Christmas dinner.

Did the thread say how long they were married? Not sure if I missed it.

Why don't you do Christmas day at your own house and see your mum and sister afterwards. Of course you can invite your mum and sister to yours without step sister but it would be a silly, mean thing to do since step dad won't want to come and then your mum won't come either.

YABU, I have stepsisters and have been excluded from all events that take place at my dads house including Christmas as there would be too many people I can tell you this hurts. Since the age of about 16 I haven’t had a Christmas Day with my dad.

I don’t have the best relationship now with them because of this as the resentment is still there 25 years later. So even if you don’t get on just do it for your step dad as in the long run life would be so much easier.

Where is the CF op? I see she's scarpered once she realised people think she is being a massive CF. Quite happy to take advantage of her mum & stepfather's hospitality. Yet she wants to deny her stepfather celebrating Christmas with his dd saying it's too much for her mum. Noticed that she didn't offer to skip a turn attending the lunch but nominated someone else instead. Really poor form and the way to cause friction in families OP at a time when it's supposed to be about families.

For those of you going on about blending families as adults this is not the case here.

Every year for as long as I can remember, we've had Christmas Day at my Mum and Stepdad's

This is not a new thing it's been their tradition forever. I think OP is just being unpleasant.

Where is the CF op? 🤣