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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about son asking to see my NC mother

31 replies

DennyKingsland · 01/01/2020 20:51

Went NC with my mother a few years ago, after decades of verbal and emotional abuse, bullying, and manipulation from her. I’ve been much happier since. Have always said that I wouldn’t keep the children (two DSs, aged 9 and 6) away from her if they ever wanted; older son knows and understands more about her, and he’s never wanted to see her even when DH and I have asked him over those years if he’d like us to set it up. But younger son asked the other day to see her.

I said DH would arrange it and take him, as that’s what I’ve always agreed in my own mind, but the thought of her spending time with him (and potentially getting in his head, if this relationship continued, which I bet it would because she’s got lots of money and is very good as using it to keep people close to her, plus, again, he’s a six year old and doesn’t have the life experience around all this) is making me feel sick and miserable.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle all this, please? If I don’t arrange a meeting, I’m keeping a grandparent away from my son (maybe sons) and may lose his trust that way - if I do, I’m worried it will open all sorts of doors that have been much, much healthier for our family kept closed.

(And it’s not an opportunity for building bridges. If she’s not changed in 68 years, she’s not about to now.)

Thanks x

OP posts:

Babooshkar · 01/01/2020 20:54

I would not let my child spend time with someone I was NC with for those reasons. It will end badly.

Dinosaurrawr · 01/01/2020 20:54

No advice OP but I am possibly going to be in your position down the line and the very thought makes me sick to my stomach too ❤️

I hope you can deal with your situation.

jillandhersprite · 01/01/2020 20:58

Crazy to ask a child as young as 6 that kind of question...
He needs you to protect him from her...
What else would you expect a 6 year old to say - they are too young to understand the complexities of toxic relationships.
Back peddle and do not facilitate a meeting between them.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/01/2020 20:59

He’s 6 and not able to make a decision like this!!

Cryingoverspilttea · 01/01/2020 20:59

Why would you want to expose your children to her if she was like that with you?

Christmasnamechange19 · 01/01/2020 21:00

I'm NC with my mother and my DC are 6 & 8, so I know exactly where you're coming from as I'm NC for the same reasons.

I won't allow them to see her. I don't care that I'm keeping grandchildren from a grandparent. She's a toxic, spiteful human and would attempt to buy and manipulate them in the same way she does everyone else.
It is my responsibility to protect them. I wasn't protected from her abuse, so you can make damn sure that I will protect my children from it.

DM me if you like.
Sending It's a tough tough choice to make and both options make you feel shit.

WellErrr · 01/01/2020 21:01

He’s 6 and can’t make this decision!! Despite what social media would have us think, children don’t need to be in charge of everything.

You are obviously NC for a reason. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Fidgety31 · 01/01/2020 21:02

I am NC with my mother . My older children see/speak to her if they want .
My youngest has NC .
I let them lead as I never wanted to be accused of creating a rift .

If your child is asking then I would make sure they are certain - don’t make changes based on one remark.
You can facilitate contact if you have a partner . I don’t have one so I had to leave it up to my kids alone .

Cryingoverspilttea · 01/01/2020 21:02

Your reasoning is bizarre OP. He is 9. He barely knew her at 6 when you went NC. Why did you ever even mention her again to him? He would've pretty much forgotten she existed and all you ever had to say was that Nanny wasn't very well/wasn't very kind so it was best for everyone that Nanny didn't come over anymore.

IdaBWells · 01/01/2020 21:06

I think it would be a BIG mistake taking your son to see someone who has been so abusive you have cut off contact. I think you should come clean with your son, tell him in an age appropriate way why you no longer have a relationship. Tell him you made a mistake to think he should see her and you have changed your mind, tell him once he is 18 and an adult he is free to make that decision but right now your priority is to protect him.

You would also be giving your mother a Golden opportunity to manipulate and hurt you through your child! Don’t do it.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 01/01/2020 21:08

When my eldest was 6 he tried to climb into the tiger enclosure at the zoo. I did not allow it.

Be the parent. Be the adult. This meeting should be a hard no.

When I talked to my small children about their Bad Gran, I used words like this:

Grandma is not a safe person to be around because she does wrong things. It makes me sad. I wish it were different but it is not. When you said you wanted to meet her what were you hoping it would be like?

They can't have a lovely maternal grandmother in your mum. You cannot give that no matter what, same as if she were dead. Hard no. Zero scope for negotiation.

IdaBWells · 01/01/2020 21:08

Wow sorry he’s only 6! I thought 9! No need for any explanations and don’t give him this option again!

Hefzi · 01/01/2020 21:08

I think it's really good you are facilitating this, OP - my mother was NC with her parents for about 20 years, from our childhoods, and it caused massive MH problems in me and my siblings, with the various dots connected only many decades later. My mother now says she'd have let us see our grandparents if we'd wanted - but of course, none of us would have dared ask because we knew how it would end in her case.

Her mother was as yours, from the sounds of things - ironically, so is she, in different ways: she got so caught up in having her "own little family" that was going to be a replacement for her own childhood, she ended up also being severely emotionally abusive herself, as she'd never had therapy or actually dealt with her issues herself. Her mother had also grown up in a similar home: I chose to break the cycle by not having children. The trouble is, as the ten year old I was, who had had a close relationship with these GP, it sent a strong message not of having clear boundaries over how someone treats you, but that your own family will cast you aside if you displease them. Obviously, as an adult, you realise what you have incorrectly internalised, but by then, it's very much too late.

Your youngest son is probably just curious and, in all honesty, will lose interest once he's met her - or maybe before. If not, ask DH to make contact with her, and explain that DS would like to meet her: can they have a cuppa at a garden centre/soft play, whatever.

There's no reason to let her back into your life - if your son chooses, and she agrees, then it can happen again in a neutral place. But tbh, he's unlikely to want to once his curiosity is satisfied. Once he's older and understands these things better, he's unlikely to want to see her as he will be worried about hurting you or upsetting you further.

You're in a really difficult situation, but you are handling it really well

OhNoMyCheds · 01/01/2020 21:10

I don’t know what to tell you OP, other than parents who become grandparents have a very different relationship with their GC than their children. Usually they focus on being fun and engaging in short bursts of time, it’s A different dynamic... does your mum have other grandchildren and do you know what she’s like with them?

If it’s going to make you unhappy I wouldn’t do it.

Also, don’t treat the grandparent as a commodity you can call on a whim... as it’s not fair to anyone. Not saying this is what you’d do but have a sister who does this...

Kraai · 01/01/2020 21:11

I think you should stall - but in a way that makes it a non issue.

Your job is to protect your DC. Facilitation of relationships with other family members comes after that.

If you feel it wouldn't be safe due to it undermining the stability of your DCs family life, his trust in you etc, then it's not safe an not possible at this time.

If there's no way out of it for some reason, then your DH stays at ALL times, it's in a cafe (not her home) and it's not longer than an hour.

And then don't promise again. If he were to ask again you can say that it's not possible right now but if things change then you'll let him know.

Also talk to him about why he wants to see her - just ask him and listen and umm and aah and say I see etc. My kids have asked to see my mother (not emotionally safe for them to do so) and actually just taking about her and their curiosity was actually enough to meet their needs at that time.

Always remember why you're NC and that you can't undo anything she did to you but you can prevent her ever getting the chance to do similar to your DC.

altiara · 01/01/2020 21:13

decades of verbal and emotional abuse, bullying, and manipulation from her
If she’s like that with you, why would you expose a 6 year old to this?
I would not give your DS the choice to see her.

Christmasnamechange19 · 01/01/2020 21:15

Cryingoverspilttea
Your reasoning is bizarre OP. He is 9. He barely knew her at 6 when you went NC. Why did you ever even mention her again to him? He would've pretty much forgotten she existed and all you ever had to say was that Nanny wasn't very well/wasn't very kind so it was best for everyone that Nanny didn't come over anymore.

This. I went NC when mine were 6 and 4. The don't really remember her now (the 8 year old gas vague memories). There are some pictures up (on our wedding canvas annoyingly). They have asked. I have explained that I don't talk to Nanny because she wasn't kind to me and said mean things to me, and it made me sad.

It's age appropriate, I'm not slagging her off to them (that's her trick) and I'm teaching them that it's okay to not interact with those that treat you badly and make you unhappy.

DukeChatsworth · 01/01/2020 21:16

If she’s too nasty and toxic for you to spend time with, why on earth would you expose your child to her?! Does your child not deserve the same protection from that as you?

Kraai · 01/01/2020 21:17

btw I DID let my mother have access to my DC to facilitate a relationship (but in a public place) and when she didn't know I could hear, she was a bitch to him, completely changing when she saw me.

The MH problems my DC may have by not having contact with her are far less than any they'd have from contact with her.

I think secrets in families are what cause problems, not the inability to visit abusive grandparents! That would mean that kids with grandparents living abroad or dead would all have MH problems later in as a result and that's not the case. Therapy practices are not full if adults who didn't see their grandparents. They do have adults who grew up in dysfunctional households. That is something entirely different.

Kraai · 01/01/2020 21:18

*one of my DC saw my mother before the other was born

StarUtopia · 01/01/2020 21:23

Don't even entertain it!

You don't owe her anything. She has no right to see the kids. You're the parent and actually you know best. What on earth would she add of any value to your child?!

We've been NC with MIL now for 7 years. She hasn't even met our youngest child. She never will. Oldest has just started to ask questions (although mainly about DH's siblings, who all disappeared on MIL's side) and we just say it's a shame but you do have lots of other lovely Uncles etc.

Don't arrange a meeting.

Hefzi · 01/01/2020 21:29

Kraai I'm not saying we have MH problems from not seeing our grandparents, but from how we internalised NC as articulated by our mother - not quite the same thing...

And as PP has said, it's possible for the relationship to be very different between generations - not always, but often. It was in my case. I'm sorry my mother had a bad childhood, but my grandmother didn't treat us in that way at all. I'm also sorry we also suffered from an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive childhood from someone who never bothered sorting out her shit from her own childhood before having her own children. Of course, not everyone who goes NC for whatever reason is going to cause harm to their children - but if you have bright, thoughtful and/or imaginative kids, saying an age-appropriate "Mummy doesn't see grandma because she says nasty things to her" gets those children thinking "Mummy said I said a nasty thing last week. What if mummy doesn't want to see me anymore?"

It doesn't have to be that way at all - and facilitating though not participating in contact in a neutral place for a limited time is a way to mitigate the disconnect in processing that can happen between what an adult says and how a child internalises it.

brassbrass · 01/01/2020 21:30

Why would you confuse a 6 year old this way? He wouldn't remember the last time he met her surely? Why would he ask to see her?

Why would you expose your small child to someone you are NC with. Do you understand what NC means?

StripeyDeckchair · 01/01/2020 21:39

Your their parent, it's your duty to protect your children ,& at 6 & 9 they need protecting. Stop talking about her with them, do not offer contact with her.
In (about)10 years time you can consider allowing contact if you want, although I fail yo see why you would allow your children to be in contact with someone who you have excluded from your life because they are toxic.

Louise91417 · 01/01/2020 21:41

Your mum, your son is 6..its your duty to make these decisions for him. If you decided it was in your interest to go nc why would you think its in your ds best interest to have contact If you dont feel its in ds best interests to have contact why are you considering it? If you were nc with your mother because of a silly row that got dragged out because of stubbornness, that would be no reason to stop ds having contact, however, that is not the case. A bully doesnt change, they just move on to someone else. Society seems hell bent on giving children far many decisions to make, all in an effort as to not risk being an unpopular parent. Be a parent, make the decision, why would you want your ds6 with a manipulative bully

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