AIBU about son asking to see my NC mother

[DennyKingsland]

Went NC with my mother a few years ago, after decades of verbal and emotional abuse, bullying, and manipulation from her. I’ve been much happier since. Have always said that I wouldn’t keep the children (two DSs, aged 9 and 6) away from her if they ever wanted; older son knows and understands more about her, and he’s never wanted to see her even when DH and I have asked him over those years if he’d like us to set it up. But younger son asked the other day to see her.

I said DH would arrange it and take him, as that’s what I’ve always agreed in my own mind, but the thought of her spending time with him (and potentially getting in his head, if this relationship continued, which I bet it would because she’s got lots of money and is very good as using it to keep people close to her, plus, again, he’s a six year old and doesn’t have the life experience around all this) is making me feel sick and miserable.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle all this, please? If I don’t arrange a meeting, I’m keeping a grandparent away from my son (maybe sons) and may lose his trust that way - if I do, I’m worried it will open all sorts of doors that have been much, much healthier for our family kept closed.

(And it’s not an opportunity for building bridges. If she’s not changed in 68 years, she’s not about to now.)

Thanks x

I’m confused as to why you speak about her to them and put the offer that they can have a relationship with her.
There is a reason you are NC so why would you give your kids the option of being put through that?

I am NC with my dad. My dd is unaware of his existence (although she’s only 3), I know she will ask questions at some point but there will never be the option of her seeing him.

You make appropriate decisions for a 6 year old not him. What if he decided he wanted to make friends with a man in the park?
If you genuinely believe your dc is better off without his dgm then be a parent and don't meet up.

Your six year old can see her when he has grown up if he wants to, not now. Tell him it isn't possible at the moment. This is too big a decision to put on a six year old who has no life experience of this kind of personality.

OP please protect your children from this woman! The only thing they will miss out on is emotional abuse that will fuvk them up. They may blame you for not having a perfect relationship like they imagined but rather that than allow them to be abused and hurt. I've had to fo it op and its been hard, I've felt bad I've felt horrible keeping them away from there evil grandmothers but I'm doing my job protecting them, it's only recently I've fully told my eldest daughter why she is not allowed near her grandparents . Be strong do not allow yourself to be guilted off other people , all that is important is your DC welfare.

What is it with people who are NC with their parents but allow their kids to have a relationship? I truly don't understand it. Your mother is a manipulative, abusive bully. What reason on earth is there to allow her to see your children? Your children don't need to see her and you just say it's not possible - it really is as simple as that. Do not allow her to have any influence over your children.

Thank you everyone, you’re all pretty much saying what I’d previously thought, and hoped you’d say. DS6 doesn’t get to make big decisions normally, but he’d said her name accidentally in conversation (eg Grandma rather than Granny, his other grandma, who we’re all very close to). I think once he’d heard himself say her name he then wanted to see where it went, but you’re all right, he’s 6, not 26, and my job is to offer him as many safe, loving family members as we have, not just anyone who’s a blood relation.

Thanks again everyone