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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban DS from seeing girlfriend (hear me out)

46 replies

cantwell · 01/01/2020 20:13

DS (15) got a girlfriend a few months ago, he has had them before but this is the first serious one IMO. They are pretty obsessed with one another.

His behaviour hasn't been great really since going out with her, he is getting into more trouble at school and also a bit of a pain at home. He used to be out with her all the time, and now she is always at our house. She is fine but I am a bit fed up with this, we never see him on his own any more plus I just feel his behaviour is shitty. (Cue jealous Mum comments, but it's not just that. It's the whole way he acts).

AIBU to say for the last few days of the holiday he can't see her? DH thinks that I am being totally unreasonable and by banning him from seeing her I will push them further together etc etc. I just feel like he is taking liberties and being badly behaved constantly and getting away with it and just getting his own way and spending time with gf the whole time.

OP posts:
Notthetoothfairy · 01/01/2020 20:15

You could but I’m not sure what you would achieve by doing that. It would probably be better if you could get her on side.

PennyGold · 01/01/2020 20:16

If you 'ban' him from seeing her, do you think he'd happily spend time with you?
I'd go along a different approach of organising a family meal or something to spend time with him.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 01/01/2020 20:16

I wouldn’t ban him from seeing her as such, but then I would be grounding him if his behaviour is really that bad.

AngelicInnocent · 01/01/2020 20:16

Instead of saying that he can't see her, think of something that you want to do as a family without including her. Then phrase it in a positive way. Banning her will cause resentment.

BarbedBloom · 01/01/2020 20:18

It is probably just an age thing tbh. He feels more grown up having a girlfriend and is showing off. I didn't really want to be around my parents at his age either so would have just been in my room anyway.

I would continue to punish the bad behaviour as you would normally and let the school deal with the other side.

The thing is, if you ban here I imagine it will make the behavior worse and set up a you against them mentality. I have seen that happen.

MelroseHigginbottom · 01/01/2020 20:18

Youre his mum you're well within your rights to ban him, especially if he's being a brat.

Fidgety31 · 01/01/2020 20:20

He’s 15, not 5. You can’t treat him like a young child yet expect him to act grown up .
Banning someone his age will not end well.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2020 20:20

Have you actually really talked to him about his behaviour? That it's unacceptable and if he doesn't shape up there will be consequences. Talk to him about how respect goes both ways, and if he is unwilling to be polite and respectful, you will be forced to make some big changes he won't like. You can't continue to ignore or reward bad behaviour.

LolaSmiles · 01/01/2020 20:21

I wouldn't specifically ban him from seeing her, but would be limiting his going out/social time for his poor attitude/behaviour. If the side effect is he doesn't see her then that's a good thing, but he sees clearly that if he is rude and badly behaved then he loses privileges. That puts the ball in his court to change the situation.

multiplemum3 · 01/01/2020 20:21

Do you really think he'll want to spend time with you if you ban him from seeing her?

AreYouLoco · 01/01/2020 20:21

Absolutely ban her. She sounds like a bad influence.

What would you do if it was a male friend instead of a girlfriend?

Mrsjayy · 01/01/2020 20:23

I think you should deal with his behaviour and if that means grounding him so he can't see his friends or GF then do that banning her will be red rag to a bull though IME "blaming" in my case boyfriends never worked at that age.

TrifenyMarlowe · 01/01/2020 20:26

This is the type of thing my (gut acting, irrational and inconsistent) parents would do.

Pull him up on brat behaviour, fine. Call out him being cheeky etc. Curfew him, ground him, explain why his attitude isn't ok and explain what behaviour is. And make sure you're role modelling it.

But if you go with a blunt "you can't see your girlfriend for X days", it will seem divisive, childish and arbitrary... Which it is. Your suggestion makes no logical link between the behaviour you're not happy with and how he can make it better. You're simply going to damage your relationship with him.

Lilyrose15 · 01/01/2020 20:28

I don’t think you can really dictate who he sees but his behavior does not sound like it warrants any privileges such as driving, having friends over or his phone. Until his attitude improves you are within your rights to withhold privileges.

Parker231 · 01/01/2020 20:30

I would ensure that he is punished for poor behaviour but banning him seeing her probably won’t work .

What are your usual punishments - are they working? If he is getting into trouble at school - what action are you and the school taking? Is he up to date with his school work - is he not spending enough time on it?

MRex · 01/01/2020 20:32

If you want a change in his behaviour them you'll need to be a lot more specific than "it's the whole way he acts". Is he aggressive / sulky / loud / ...? The first major step is to realise that he's nearly an adult, so you need to start thinking about how you might address the issues with another adult. Sometimes it's still best to treat him like a child, but if you want to actually influence his behaviour them you need to start tackling it as you would with an adult.

windycuntryside · 01/01/2020 20:41

Banning him from seeing her will be a waste of time, cause resentment and emotions to run high. I would arrange a family trip and go, that way they are apart. As a second issue, I would deal with the rude behaviour by speaking to him at the time, be consistent. Do not be a door mat, it only happens if you allow it. He is 15 and you the adult, set an example. I see it this way, it’s your duty to ensure he treats people (especially women, that includes you) with respect.

CFlemingSmith · 01/01/2020 20:44

@TrifenyMarlowe

Spot. On.

carly2803 · 01/01/2020 20:48

punish him, take his phone off him - surely they he cant make plans to see her? thus banning her but he cant see you have done it purposefully as such

ground him if not.

Mummaofmytribe · 01/01/2020 20:51

IME (disclaimer raised 5 teenagers) banning her will cause rage and resentment and worse behaviour to punish you.
What I did when I had similar situations was raise the bar very formally in what attitude/actions I expected with the understanding that the boy/girl was only allowed to hang out if my expectations were met. Things like manners, responsibility, and respect were hammered home. I actually found in one case that my insistence on one teen daughter look at her behaviour and attitude led to her dumping a v horrid boyfriend of her own accord as she realised - in her words- she was turning into a dick.

shitpark · 01/01/2020 20:54

I would call him out on his bad behaviour and punish him, and if his girlfriend is involved I would do the same to her. She is in your home, is not an adult, and this makes her your responsibility.
Do you have contact with her parents?
Invite them for dinner - her parents and her, and have a conversation with your ds and his gf about acceptable behaviour and how much time they should be spending together

pictish · 01/01/2020 20:56

The thing is, he might well have taken a nose-dive in the schoolwork stakes, the behaviour...all of it, without her in the picture. 15 seems to be the age for the teen boys to hit the arsehole years.

He won’t learn anything or observe what you’re trying to do, by banning him from seeing her. You’ll just get a mutiny.

Buckle up...15, 16 and 17 might well be tough.

Elvesdontdomagic · 01/01/2020 20:59

I wouldn't try and ban him from seeing her altogether but nor do I think it's appropriate for a 15 year old to be in a serious relationship and be so wrapped up in it that she's 'over all the time' because that's just too much!

At 15 he should be with his family more than his girlfriend and concentrating on his GCSE's.

It's your house OP, take control back!

There's actually nothing wrong with being jealous of your kid's time while they're still young either. I have a 16 year old DD and I wouldn't allow her time to be completely taken up with a relationship this year. Parental responsibility isn't over yet!

IMO they're too young to live in each others pockets by a long chalk. I'd be wary of it at 18 let alone 15.

PleaseNoFortnite · 01/01/2020 21:00

As others have said, I would be asking him to look at his behaviour rather than banning him from seeing her. She's not responsible for his behaviour, he is, and he may not realise how bad it's got.

Maybe also put a limit on how many times a week she can come over - it may mean he goes to her house more, but it would mean you don't feel so invaded and things might calm down a little.

HugeBowlofChips · 01/01/2020 21:02

What TrifenyMarlowe said x 1 000 000

If you want to drive a wedge between you and your son forever, then sure go ahead and ban him.

Deal with the bratishness separately.

Personally, I would then go the other way, and totally suffocate them both with enthusiasm for the relationship. Express your deep love for both at every opportunity. Snuggle up and eat popcorn together, watch a movie etc. It will probably make her run a mile.