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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ban DS from seeing girlfriend (hear me out)

46 replies

cantwell · 01/01/2020 20:13

DS (15) got a girlfriend a few months ago, he has had them before but this is the first serious one IMO. They are pretty obsessed with one another.

His behaviour hasn't been great really since going out with her, he is getting into more trouble at school and also a bit of a pain at home. He used to be out with her all the time, and now she is always at our house. She is fine but I am a bit fed up with this, we never see him on his own any more plus I just feel his behaviour is shitty. (Cue jealous Mum comments, but it's not just that. It's the whole way he acts).

AIBU to say for the last few days of the holiday he can't see her? DH thinks that I am being totally unreasonable and by banning him from seeing her I will push them further together etc etc. I just feel like he is taking liberties and being badly behaved constantly and getting away with it and just getting his own way and spending time with gf the whole time.

OP posts:

MamaGee09 · 01/01/2020 21:06

Banning him from seeing her will only push them closer together. Punish him for his behaviour and his attitude but stopping them from seeing her will only need cause him to take her side and you’ll always lose.

comesavemenow · 01/01/2020 21:09

You can't really stop him seeing her. It could be any friend who would be a bad influence. Some kids (yes he still is a child) tend to gravitate towards other trouble makers. What you need to do it reinforce boundaries. He lives under your roof and you provide for every thing so he has the obligation to follow your rules and limits.

You might not be able to stop him from meeting her outside but you have every right not to let her come to your house if she misbehaves towards you or your son misbehaves with you infront to show off to her.

He should loose privileges if he misbehaves and crosses line. What can you do will work? Ban internet usage? take away mobile, take away play station etc. Whatever you think would work. You should also enforce curfew and he is either grounded or find somewhere to stay over night if he is not home by that time (that is only if you are comfortable about his safety..might not work for every child).

laudete · 01/01/2020 21:09

Ground him for bad behaviour, if you must - although, I think other sanctions could be more effective eg limit his internet access/screen time. However, you can't ban him from seeing her unless you relocate and switch schools. The holidays are nearly over. Personally, I'd rather he didn't cut classes to hang out with her because he can't see her outside school hours. At least, they're hanging out at your house. Her mom is seeing less of her child than you are of your child.

FreedomfromPE · 01/01/2020 21:10

Focus on his behaviour. Ask him to reflect on why. If he's out of line you can just ground him for his actions? But I don't think a brief break will work in changing things. Just make him resentful.

ddl1 · 01/01/2020 21:29

I would not use access to the girlfriend as a means of punishing him. In general, it is a bad idea to use one person as a means of punishing another. If his behaviour is that dreadful, it would be better to ground him altogether for a certain period than to restrict access to the girlfriend specifically. But it would be best, initially, to have a good talk with (not just to) your son to try to get him to reflect on WHY he's acting like this.

Mischance · 01/01/2020 21:36

Is your problem his bad behaviour or his girlfriend?

I would tackle the bad behaviour and leave the two of them be.

He can be told his behaviour is unacceptable and sanctions applied as usual; but not sanctions involving the gf. You admit she is "fine" so you have no reason to stop them seeing each other. The feelings involved in first love are atavistic and overpowering; you cannot make them go away; and any attempt to thwart them being together will evoke an equally overpowering reaction.

If she was a drug-taking promiscuous little madam then you would need to tackle this - but he is just doing what comes naturally, as they say. He is awash in testosterone and the boost that being fancied has given him and he is throwing his weight about a bit - it will pass.

Mischance · 01/01/2020 21:37

By the way, your DH is right - if you ban her they will become Romeo and Juliet, the thwarted lovers. Things are all very dramatic and black and white at that age.

Original poster

cantwell · 01/01/2020 21:39

Thanks for the advice, I guess you are right that banning her won't really help his behaviour and you are right it wouldn't make him want to spend any more time with me, I am just a bit fed up of the current situation.

For those asking about his behaviour, he is just rude and cocky and thinks he will get away with anything. His dad is too soft. At school he is also increasingly rude and cocky it seems! He has had a run of isolations last term for various misdemeanors. They are great with him, firm and really supportive with informing us etc. but it isn't ideal.

I am not blaming his girlfriend. It isn't her fault and she actually tells him off when he is rude. But it's just that I feel the relationship is quite unhealthy (obsessive wise) and her being here all the time means I don't get to spend time with him, chatting to him etc. I am not saying all he needs is a "chat" to sort his behaviour out but when he was at home with us more we would discuss things in more detail and he was more reasonable. Now he just isn't interested and his attitude has gone downhill. I do apply sanctions and take things away from him and always talk to him about his behaviour, as does his Dad but as I said DH is softer than me.

OP posts:

Karenisbaren · 01/01/2020 21:39

If you ban him from seeing her he will do it in secret, its probably the worst thing you can do, his gf is not to blame for his behaviour he is. Sometimes at a certain age they get rebellious anyway.

Mischance · 01/01/2020 21:45

Please make this young lady welcome - I know it can be a bit trying to have a stranger hanging about the place, but at least you know where they are and (roughly!) what they are up to. And often a girl can help settle a young lad down.

I had the opposite situation: 3 DDs which resulted in a lot of young men lounging about our house and sitting pustulating at the dinner table. They used to arrive on their pushbikes and cycle round the close plucking up the courage to knock on the door. My OH quipped that it was like having bitches on heat in the house! But I welcomed them in and sometimes set them to work helping with "many" tasks to make them feel good about themselves; and to get them onside which I hoped would make them feel uncomfortable if they were tempted to treat any DDs badly. It worked bit at times was trying.

Elvesdontdomagic · 01/01/2020 21:46

I am not saying all he needs is a "chat" to sort his behaviour out but when he was at home with us more we would discuss things in more detail and he was more reasonable.

Chats are so important at this age OP. It will help 100%

Mischance · 01/01/2020 21:46

"manly"

BottleOfJameson · 01/01/2020 21:46

There's no point suddenly saying "you've been behaving badly so no more GF time". That will just drive him away more. You can of course set limits on how much time she's round and if his school work is suffering you could set limits on how much time he spends socialising in general. Of course he should behave well at school but I don't think trying to relate that to his girlfriend will help.

Mischance · 01/01/2020 21:51

This is a rite of passage - the time for "chats" is past and will not resurface till he is a bit older. He is asserting his independence from you - I know, it is not real in many ways - but it is an important part of his growing up.

I am glad the gf ticks him off when he is rude - they can be a very good influence and it is worth considering that the slide in his behaviour may not be directly caused by the gf. Be good to her - she could prove to be a very positive influence.

Mischance · 01/01/2020 21:55

Elvesdontdomagic - I agree that chats are good in one way - lines of communication need to be kept open. But the sort of cosy mum/son chats that signify their closeness are likely to slip away now as he has other fish to fry - he needs to assert his burgeoning independence and he will start to look outwards from the family rather than inwards.

It can be a very painful time for parents, particularly if they have been very close to their child. But, handle this well, and you will reap the rewards.

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2020 21:55

I have a 15 year old dd who is in a somewhat obsessive relationship. I have made times in the well even he can’t be at our house, because otherwise we never get to catch up , she doesn’t have time for chores, we always end up with a back log of stuff that needs doing.
So twice a week after school she has to come back from school on her own ( though he often comes round later to eat and hang out) and Sunday evening he has to go before supper. The rest of the time he is there, which is a pain in the ass.
For me the most important thing is keeping the communication open.

Lolacat1234 · 01/01/2020 22:15

Just address the bad behaviour! why does it have to be linked to his girlfriend, who you have just said is "fine" which I'm guessing means not outwardly a bad influence? The fact he's behaving badly now May have absolutely nothing to do with the fact he has a new girlfriend so I don't see why linking the two things is a good idea. You do sound a touch jealous to be honest.

blubelle7 · 01/01/2020 22:23

Don't ban but organise some family activities and family time. No gadgets either. My parents used to make us have family time as teens and I would initially be annoyed and moaning but absolutely loved it. 10 years later am absolutely grateful for it and cherish those memories more than whatever current high school boyfriend I had at the time, as I have been living on my own since 18 and have settled far from home (even though it felt like I would die if I didn't see or talk to them at that point in time). Do something fun as a family and make some memories.

Somerville · 01/01/2020 22:27

Lay out some clear consequences for his actions. So if he gets an isolation, he loses his phone or game console or whatever for a short period, and
/or is grounded for the weekend. He can’t go out at the weekend until he’s up with his homework and helped around the house.

But alongside that plan family activities (outdoors where possible) and try to have fun. Try inviting along the girlfriend, some of the time at least.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 01/01/2020 22:32

OMG OP YANBU at all!! That's a very intense relationship for people so young.

But, in the best way, grow a spine - it's your house, if you don't want her there all the time do something about it!

TheCountessatHotelCortez · 01/01/2020 22:51

Agree with other posters that an outright ban will just cause him to push against you more but on the other hand I couldn’t deal with her always being at the house, how often is she there? I know people whose children’s boy/girlfriends might as well live there but I wouldn’t like it and would feel i couldn’t relax

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