Am I being paranoid about my mil?

[GummyPanda]

My DH goes away for work quite often, usually for a week at a time. My parents or usually just my mum comes to stay overnight while dh away to help out with my young toddler and to give me a break/ relaxation time. My Mil doesn't offer to help until she finds out my parents are coming and then offers to visit to help on a day my parents will be here. Then gets annoyed making passive aggressive comments when I say that my mum will be here. She never offers if my parents aren't coming or on days my parents won't be here. She also isn't bothered about seeing my dc much. She just makes passive aggressive remarks about how often my parents visit. Am I being paranoid to think that mil just wants to help out on the days my parents are to sabotage it for them, so they see my dc less? She also isn't much help with my dc, she just talks about herself the whole time.

Why are some people so shitty on here? Why deliberately misunderstand/project meaning not to the OP and pounce on her asking why she’s unable to look after her child? Of course she’s capable, but she enjoys some company when her DH is away. I can’t get used to the deliberately obtuse comments on here which are just to be nasty. It’s so Mean Girls. 🙄

Is it possible that she feels she cannot cope with your child on her own and is therefore making sure she sees your child when there will be other adults to help. Maybe she is unwell?

@Winterwoollies unlike the OP who is MIL bashing, which of course isn't mean girl it's perfectly MN acceptable? She gets help but it's not enough and she should get more from MIL.

OP didn’t say company- she said a break / relaxation time. It’s not your MILS responsibility to look after your kid so you can relax- just drop it, sounds like you get a lot of help as it is 🙄

Exactly @Nixen!

“ Also @StreetwiseHercules it's child, not children it's only one.”

So what? It’s still a brutal near 24 hours a day shift if your partner is away. Young kids are very, very hard work. We all have to cope, but if you have someone you trust who can give you a break that’s a good thing to have.

I never had that and wish I did. Still don’t and we have 2 now, with one of us fairly often away for work. It is gruelling, and it was gruelling with only 1 when either of us was on our own.

@spingly gosh, you’re spoiling for a squabble, aren’t you? It sounds like her MIL is jealous of her parents’ contact with her child and so horns in. I would be irked by that. I imagine most people would, especially as the MIL appears to have exhibited no signs of interest at other times. So I don’t think she’s unreasonable.
You however, have decided she’s somehow incapable because she enjoys seeing her folks while her DH works away, which I think is unreasonable. You have no basis for that and are being unpleasant for the sake of it. You seem cross and embittered about something. Put the kettle on and eat some Quality Street, you might cheer up.

@StreetwiseHercules I've had two, as I've said you get a break whilst they're in bed and before you get to bed!

Honestly it's not MILs job to give OP a break or a rest.

It's not a brutal 24 hour shift, it's just being a parent.

For context it's a brutal 24 hour shift for the Australian firefighters, looking after a child is not brutal unless additional needs are involved.

@Winterwoollies I glad you agree with me, yes it is unreasonable for her to expect to see her
Folks all the tine whist DH is away.

You might need to put the wine down and get the tea out?

You also started with the"shitty" comments and backing the MIL bashing.

Spingly you're a fucking hero. Really you're amazing you know that? I'm in awe of your abilities 🤣 shame you can't read

@brassbrass I'm not, just capable of looking after a toddler alone. I'm not a single mother, but they're 1000s that manage alone.

Not sure what the can't read comment is about?

It sounds like she wants to look like she’s offering to help while purposefully choosing days that she knows you’ll say no to. Next time call her bluff and go out somewhere with your mum and leave her with your DC

Might she only be offering to come when your parents are here because she knows you will decline the offer? That way if anyone asks she's made all the right noises and tries to help but you always say no. Maybe she doesn't actually want to do it so this is the best way to look like a helpful grandparent without actually having to do anything

🤣exactly

Your interpretation obvs but ime it is about the whole thing, I never wanted to see my parents purely to share care of my son, it was the whole having people to talk, company etc when exhausted by velcro, non sleeping dc. Of course I could cope by myself but enjoyed having support.

Odd that you have taken such a negative position to the op enjoying support of her parents. And quite insistent! Your experience is not everyone else's, we are all different.

And I would def try and spread visits over more days rather than all on one day.

Gosh, there are a couple of posters on this thread who are either very bitter about their own lack of family support when DC were young or are lesser-favoured mother-in-laws themselves. Perhaps an unfortunate combination of both.

OP, most people totally get that the company other adults provide IS the break. If you enjoy your MILs company when it doesn't impose on time with your own family, or wish to facilitate her relationship with her DGC, set up dates separately with her. If she is simply trying to sabotage your parents' visits, she will decline. Stop sharing the details of when they are coming with her. She doesn't need to know.

Lol brassbrass 😂😂

Fib. If your parents are coming on the Tuesday, tell her that they are coming on the Thursday; when she expresses dismay that she also wanted to come Thursday, you can say "Whoops I got the day wrong - you can come Thursday as they're coming Tuesday"

OP don’t let the comments about you needing help bother you; I’d love both the company and the help with my toddler DD. I know a lot of people who have grandparents look after their DC for a night very month which id also love.
I don’t find the 1-1.5 hour I have when my DD goes to bed before I do much of a break - I’m exhausted and trying to get everything done that I couldn’t do when she was up

Why does it matter that OP needs more help than some? And probably less than others? We don't know what she is coping with? PND..other mental health problems...could be anything. That bit is not our business.
The question was about her MIL's odd behaviour.
Just be kind for gods sake. Or don't post if you don't have advice ABOUT THE QUESTION. Ugh

“
@StreetwiseHercules I've had two, as I've said you get a break whilst they're in bed and before you get to bed!

Honestly it's not MILs job to give OP a break or a rest.”

Some kids sleep better than others, or is that something else you don’t understand?

I didn’t say it was GPs job to give parents a break either. Where are you getting this stuff?

Throwing in the Australian firefighters was too dramatic flair though, well done for that. 😆

And I agree to tricking your MIL into coming when your parents are not there

Or don't post if you don't have advice ABOUT THE QUESTION

Always wonderful advice.

@spingly I don’t drink. I am up the duff. Tea and Quality Street are a lovely combo. Please, try it. It means I don’t feel cross all the time and feel the need to attempt to pick on people online and pretend to be superior.

What a load of bitches on here.

Or just jealous because you don't get a help/break?

OP - I'm totally in the "lie about which day your parents are coming, then day they had to cancel" camp.

Let us know how it goes. X