In not buying her a Christmas present next year?

[goatbame]

We always do a big family Christmas with dh's family. There's 17 of us all at dinner and opening presents. We've done it for the last 8 years since I've been with dh.

3 of the 17 are all little kids, ds being one of them.

Every year we buy dh's cousin who's almost 30 a present. And her boyfriend.

She's never bought a present for anyone! We all take turns to open stuff and thank each other and she happily accepts gifts but has never bought so much as a bar of chocolate for anyone back! Even the little ones.

Although it's not about cost it's about thought she has way more disposable income than anyone else in the family. She's earning a lot a shares a flat with her partner who also has a very high earning job. No debts at all and they're saving to buy a house outright.

I've told dh I'm sick of spending time, thought and money on someone who for whatever reason doesn't do it back and that next year I won't be buying for her but he's said it will be embarrassing if we don't get her something and get her two siblings something.

Aibu? Happy to have my arse handed to me if I am.

She's probably wondering why you're persisting in buying her something every year when she doesn't do presents!

It's up to your DH really isn't it.
If he wants to do it then he can.
Or you could just give her really really shite presents.
We do this with MIL who is incredibly tight.

No, I don’t think YABU. I think a lot of people would be equally miffed and be contemplating the same as you, me included.

Make 2020 the year you stop doing your dh's work.. He can sort his family out if he chooses.

Don't buy presents for any adults, except perhaps your parents. Take her lead as an example.

Or maybe do a secret Santa thing so all adults have one present to open, instead of several smaller items. Much easier all round.

Absolutely YANBU .. maybe say to her (or her parents who I assume are there too) that you’re concerned that she may feel awkward about receiving gifts as clearly she doesn’t ‘do’ gifts, but just feels uncomfortable to say so as it may offend people! Cheeky fecker!!

Take the hint that she's not interested in extended family presents and stop buying for her.
I don't really like it as everyone mostly ends up with things they don't really want or need on top of spending extra money. In my family we do secret Santa between adults and with DH family no adult presents at all.

I would not buy for her to be honest.

Take the hint that she's not interested in extended family presents and stop buying for her.
Just stop buying gifts . It’s life changing
She’s got the right attitude & good for her having no debt and buying a house outright.

Why would you keep buying for someone who does not buy for u ..weird

My family only do gifts for the little kids and secret Santa for the adults but we don't live near them. I suggested secret Santa with dh's family and it went down like a lead balloon!

I'd happily leave it to dh but the one time I did that he left it until the day before and spent a bloody fortune. I'd rather do it myself and not end up spending hundreds!

Yes just stop and say oh I didnt think you did presents. To be honest as pp that large family I'd propose just buying for the kids and maybe your own immediate family - parents and siblings. We stopped buying for cousins, aunts uncles etc and it is alot less stressful and everyone still gets presented from their immediate family. Plus kids of course.

If you do all the present buying for your DH, then just don't buy her anything.

I'm sure your DH won't even notice.

I only buy for those I want to buy for weather or not if I get one in return. Ask her why she is happy to receive gifts and not give any

If she is your niece I am assuming she is on the same generation of your child. If you aren't buying presents for others from your son why would you expect others on that generation 😏😏😏

@Zoecarter no she's not my niece. She's dh's cousin. And as I said she's almost 30 with a boyfriend. My ds is (as I said) is little.

@Zoecarter

If she is your niece I am assuming she is on the same generation of your child.

The OP clearly says cousin

Just take nothing and if it’s noted, say oh I didn’t think cousin did presents, never mind.

Just spoken to dh's sister about it and she said she's fed up with it too and won't be buying her or her boyfriend a present next year so I don't feel so bad about it now ha.

She's an odd duck, she asked me to give her a reference for a childcare agency she wanted to join and got really stroppy when I refused. I've worked at childcare agencies for years, no way would I provide a false reference for anyone!

Her Mum gave us a box of really nice candles which was great until I looked closer and two had already been partially burnt so clearly regifted. They also gave a me a hideous top that's two sizes too small and obviously been worn. I may scale back on the gifts for them next year too.

OP you have a choice - Let go of the control and let DH to buy for his side of family. If he spends a lot well that’s his look out, he’s a adult.
Or you can carry on shouldering all the work but deal with the consequences.
Personally, I’d let DH look after his own. It’s liberating to let go. And if they get rubbish gifts/unreciprocated gusts, it’s on him not you.

She's probably wondering why you're persisting in buying her something every year when she doesn't do presents!

This ^.

no she's not my niece. She's dh's cousin.And as I said she's almost 30 with a boyfriend

Frankly I think you are bonkers. Why on earth are you buying a present for a 30 year old cousin of your husband's and her boyfriend?

We stopped buying for cousins, aunts uncles etc

I never started. The compulsory family present exchange mystifies me.

Because the whole family that gather for Christmas Day exchange gifts. Apart from her obviously.

I joined the family it's kind of a piss take to try and tell them to chase the way they've done things for years!

Her sister and brother (who are much younger than her) have always bought me, dh and ds presents. Not particularly expensive stuff but thoughtful things.

She still thinks of herself as a child in that environment, so she's not thinking of her need to reciprocate.