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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU adopted and want to want to know my medical background?

32 replies

ClairesKimono · 01/01/2020 11:01

I was adopted in the early '70s as a three month old. As I age, I think more about health issues and would really like to know about my birth parents and their medical histories in case there is anything I need to be aware of.

Has anyone on here been in this position? How did you go about it as rules seems to be different pre 1975. Did you use an intermediary?

I am conflicted though. I do not really want to know them as such - just need the info. Is that unreasonable of me?

OP posts:

Coughsyrupsucks · 01/01/2020 11:16

If you aren’t really that interested in knowing them, I’d just get a health DNA test done instead like 23&Me. At least that will tell you what you have inherited from them. Probably be a lot quicker than tracking down your parents.

Andromache77 · 01/01/2020 11:21

I'm sorry but taking a commercial DNA test is terrible advice, it won't be accurate (even if it was, it would tell you what you're genetically prone to, not if any condition would actually develop) and you would be giving this information over to a private company to use in ways you cannot anticipate or control.

Coughsyrupsucks · 01/01/2020 11:21

Sorry hit send too soon. But I think it’s wise of you to want to find out, I would too.

Are you sure you don’t want to know who they are? There’s nothing wrong with being curious about them.

MinnieMountain · 01/01/2020 11:28

My DM was adopted in 1951. She found her birth mother due to an unusual surname.

I don't think there's anything wrong in just wanting to know their medical history. DM only met her birth mother twice before she stopped contact. As the adopted person surely your wishes take precedence from an emotional point of view?

DangerousBeanz · 01/01/2020 11:29

I was in the same boat, adopted in 1970. I chose to trace for the same reasons and found it fairly straightforward, first you need to get your original birth certificate and adoption file. You apply for the certificate online and I ticked the box for local authority "counselling". A social worker from the LA came to see me and we had a chat and a coffee and at the end of it she gave me the paperwork to get my certificate.
My local authority also traced my adoption file and she came for a second visit with the file when the birth certificate was ready.
Some files are full off information and some agree quite sparse, mine was sparse but my bio mum had put in lots of information that made her and my bio dad easy to find. Some don't and it's really really hard. And some files are quite harrowing if you were allowed due to social services intervention so you need to be prepared.
The medical information in a 1970's file is very very limited so you'll need to al yourself are you prepared to trace your bio patents to find or more, and possibly face an outright refusal or rejection. Some bio families are thrilled you've turned up, many aren't. Before 1975 the families were promised lifelong anonymity, and still want it. It can be a bumpy ride
Having said all that I was lucky, my b family were thrilled I got in touch, and I discovered lots of heath and information and now have a great relationship with them.
But do prepare for the worst but hope for the best

2020BetterBeBetter · 01/01/2020 11:32

It’s not unreasonable of you to want to know but remember they may not be alive anymore and potentially could have died young so any illnesses that come on in later life won’t be known about or not recognised in time. However, they may have had other children and you could get information from them. I hope you get some answers.

Original poster

ClairesKimono · 01/01/2020 11:51

Thank you for the advice all. It is such a tricky one because I am very keen to know about any possible inherited health issues but really do not want to meet or be involved with my birth parents in any way. That's how I feel at the moment anyway - who knows how I will feel as I find out more?

DangerousBeanz your situation sounds like mine so I think I shall do what you did and get the ball rolling. Do I contact my own local authority or the one where I was adopted from?

This is all complicated by the fact that I do not want my parents to find out as I think it would hurt them very much. But I also feel that I need to know.

OP posts:

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 11:55

If there was anything to know about, you'd probably know it by now.

If you're honest with yourself, are you 100% sure that it's not pure curiosity?

bridgetreilly · 01/01/2020 11:57

I don't think it would be a hurtful thing for your parents to explain that you would like to know more about your biological medical history. They aren't able to provide that for you and you're right, as you get older, those things do become more important.

freddiethegreat · 01/01/2020 12:04

@ClairesKimono I adopted much later than your parents & my son is much younger & traced last year at 16. Ultimately, it’s not about hurting or not hurting your parents, it’s about what is right for you. However, for the record, speaking as an adopter, I was far more hurt by the fact that he didn’t tell me originally and I found out a month later than I would have been by being at least kept in the picture. However - it was his good right, as it is yours, to proceed as was right for him. This one is not about your parents’ feelings.

TeenPlusTwenties · 01/01/2020 12:04

I don't see why you couldn't go through an intermediary. This kind of thing?

'Kimono would like you to know she is well and happy, but is not interested in contact as feels it could be too disruptive. She would be interested to know of any medical information that could be relevant to her as she gets older. She wishes you well.'

Throckmorton · 01/01/2020 12:07

What sort of illnesses are you thinking of? I can't think of many where you would gain much by knowing what conditions your parents had?

MatildaTheCat · 01/01/2020 12:13

Starting with the agency that arranged your adoption would be the best starting point. They should have the records and can provide an intermediary service. I believe trying to make direct contact is not considered a good idea for many reasons.

It might take time, bring up painful emotions and prove not very helpful but could be worth pursuing. (I’m not certain but presumably your parents would have been made aware of any major family genetic issues- for example a history of Huntingdon’s disease?)

I would actually start with a GP appointment to discuss the merit of all this potential upheaval. If you are in good health with a healthy lifestyle and have regular routine health checks it’s hard to see what benefit you will gain.

Original poster

ClairesKimono · 01/01/2020 12:16

It would definitely hurt my parents and as they are almost in their 90s there is no need to cause any upset. If they were they younger then I might consider it but def not now.

Yes part of me is curious I suppose - I have been told nothing about the situation of my adoption, it is not talked about at all in my family. But I have never been so curious that I wanted to find out more.

I am approaching 50 now though and I would like to know if there is a history of anything that it would be helpful to know about so that I can inform doctors. Do other posters think that this is unnecessary? I am never really sure and have never asked my GP tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClairesKimono · 01/01/2020 12:17

Matilda thank you. I am not sure that any agency was involved - tbh I know nothing at all about my origins! All I was told by my mum is that I was adopted by them at 3 months because I was given away. That is all.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClairesKimono · 01/01/2020 12:18

This is a very good point.

OP posts:

Jessbow · 01/01/2020 12:36

I too am adopted, and a hurdle you will encounter is that medical records are confidential, and you are quite simply not allowed anyone elses medical history without their express permission , or they tell you.

Your adoption file will tell you ( or should do) of any medical conditions of note that were known at the time of the adoption. Once you are adopted, no one updates that file, so your birth mother may well have developed say, bowel cancer in later life....but the file wont tell you that.

If you know your birth name you can apply for your original birth cert, as you would any other birth cert. its your file that you need to apply for from SS. You apply where you live now, and they source it- it takes ages!

Equip yourself with what is contained in the file- then wonder where you want to go with it.

Original poster

ClairesKimono · 01/01/2020 12:40

Yes I realised that someone would have to make contact with my birth mother to ask her if she had anything to declare as it were! I thought an intermediary might do this for me if they could find her.

I do not know my birth name and know that I need a compulsary counselling session before I can get it and anything else. It seems quite a long road tbh - wondering about it all now.

OP posts:

ohprettybaby · 01/01/2020 12:53

Your birth parents would not necessarily need to be contacted. You could find out their names, addresses at the time of the adoption and names of siblings, if any, from the records held by the authority that dealt with your adoption.

You could then find out who their parents (your grandparents) and uncles and aunt's are from www.freebmd.org.uk or www.ancestry.co.uk and, if any have died, pay to obtain their death certificates.

In my cousin's adoption records it stated that our great grandmother suffered from mental health issues. I don't know if this means that a biological mother is asked to provide health information when giving up a child for adoption.

Cornettoninja · 01/01/2020 13:08

I do think there is a small value in knowing your family medical history; for instance it can be the difference between a conflicted doctor ordering investigations or ‘watch and waiting’. There are a few conditions that can be completely ruled out with blood markers now but won’t necessarily be tested for if you haven’t got enough symptoms/indicators.

It’s certainly not the be all and end all and a lot of medical professionals are happy to treat unknown backgrounds with caution and investigate as if it were relevant but there’s a reason doctors ask about your family history.

Original poster

ClairesKimono · 01/01/2020 13:14

Thanks Cornetto - this is my feeling on this also. If it's not a factor, then why ask?

OP posts:

hopefulhalf · 01/01/2020 13:15

I think it proobrably is worth looking at the file if for example she (your birthmother) had lost a parent that could be very relevant. Obviously there would need to be contact for more up to date info (it is likely she was very young at the time of your birth.

honeyloops · 01/01/2020 13:16

My mum has been through the same process - she was adopted a couple of years before you - and while she said once the paperwork started it wasn't too much hard work, she was unprepared emotionally for finally having a name/contact, even just to find the medical info. So I'd say maybe it's worth lining up some counselling if you can afford/get referred via GP, as it can be quite a big upheaval even if you're only getting the bare minimum of info - my mum described it as having a whole new room in her house discovered and she found it quite hard.

Mansmansmum · 01/01/2020 13:28

I would post this in the adoption board here rather than AIBU where you might get a lot of opinion but not much fact. There have been some posters who have done the same thing and you are more likely to get knowledgeable answers.

Shedidnt · 01/01/2020 13:31

I suspect that it's your way of tentatively having contact, even by just knowing their names, then you can decide on more. I don't think this is about your medical history. What do you think? It's ok to want to know.

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