To change my name by Deed Poll

[BellatrixLeStrangest]

So I had a bit of a crap Christmas partly due to a family member who I no longer want anything to do with. They were the only one I used to have contact with from that side of my family and to be honest all they have caused me is pain and upset.
My first name is the same name as one of my immediate family members on the NC side.
My mum swears blind I wasn't named after them but after her school friend.
I've gone ahead and changed my entire name by deed poll but I'm worried about my mums reaction. I really don't want to hurt her. She gave me my original name but I've always hated it as I detest the person with the same name as me.
How do I go about telling her? I wish I could just pop round for a coffee and talk it through but she lives over 100 miles away from me now.

Do you expect your mum to start calling you by your new name? If I was her, I'd find that really difficult!

Well, you've done it now so you'll need to decide whether you're going to insist on her using your new name or let her carry on with the name she gave you. I expect she'll slip up when using the new name but in the scheme of things, what's there to worry about. You made a choice which you were entitled to do. Try not to stress about it.

I doubt she named you after anyone and was just fond of the name regardless. It would be a bit odd otherwise.

I think you’re going to have to accept your mum will be upset, and this was something you could have discussed before you did it, or at least given her the heads up, if you have a relationship

How different is the new name you’ve chosen?

Do you have a long term nickname she could call you by?

She gave me my original name

I changed my name by deed poll some years ago. When I mentioned my plans to my Dad he said 'The moment we gave you those names they were yours to do with whatever you wanted' He's pretty cool

Are you concerned that she won't want to call you by your new name, or that she will be upset by doing it? Or are you concerned she will just be hurt by your reasons for changing?

If it gives you happiness to have chosen a new name you love, ultimately I don't see why somebody who loves you would grudge you that.

My DD changed her name by deed poll and did not keep any of her original names, it does hurt a lot.

Fortunately she doesn't expect me to use her new name because honestly it doesn't sound right...

Someone I know did this. Her friends and work colleagues call her by her new name but her immediate family call her by her old name. Works well for her.

You should have told her before you did it really, but that's not helpful now. 100 miles isn't that far, I think you should make the effort to go to see her and let her know in person. Any hurt feelings will be much more easily dealt with by seeing her expression and giving her a big hug.

I dont see the big deal? Its you're name, you have to live with it not her. A family member did this and it was strange at first but we don't even remember that he had a different name day to day now. He had a ridiculous name that he always hated and his mum was fine with it as like I said it was his name. Everyone got over it really quickly.

Changing name
Is a fucking nightmare when it comes to passports.
Had to pay three trips to the passport office last summer because of a name change.

It's absolutely awful. Please be aware of this.

I rarely go on holiday so the passport thing I can deal with.
My father was an abusive piece of shit alcoholic. I don't want the same name as him.
I'm not expecting everyone to say she'll be fine with it etc.
If she wants to carry on calling me by my old name then that's absolutely fine. Im more worried about her being hurt however I feel I have a good reason to change it in the first place.
Over 100 miles is a long way away when you have 2 kids and work.
Every time I hear my name I hear him. And I've wanted to change it for years since I was younger. In fact my mum changed my middle name and surname when I was 7 years old. And I asked her then if I could change my first name and she said no.

Could you not use your middle name in general as the name people know you by and call you?

No I can really. The name I've chosen is a nickname I've had over 10 years. My mum knows what it is. And would sometimes call it me.

Is a fucking nightmare when it comes to passports.

Not my experience at all. It was incredibly easy. By post, passport back in 3 weeks.

If it's an existing nickname it's much less of a big deal.

I’ve changed my name by deedpoll and had no trouble at all.
I think you had a bad experience x

Your name is YOUR name. It's not about your father, or your aunt that you hate. You should OWN your name, and make the name one that people grow to feel positively about.

Nobody would make me change my name. It's mine, and it's defined me since I was born - or even before.

She does own her name, it's hers. She's not being made to change it. She wants to change it and she can precisely because it's hers and she owns it.

If she’s likely to be upset I would send a short email explaining your decision and then follow it up with a phone call a bit later. Acknowledge that she will be hurt and you are sorry for that but for you, changing your name is a powerful symbol of rejecting that person from your life. Not her but them.

Tell her you love her and hope she can support you even if she feels sad because it’s the right thing for you.

I predict that she will be ok about it assuming there’s not a massive backstory you haven’t mentioned.

No there's not a massive backstory, I hate a drip feed like I said I have had very little contact with my father for over 10 years. My grandmother has upset me and I'm now going to be NC with the lot of them.
Changing my name isn't to get back at them. It's for me to make a fresh start and become the person I want to be.

I’ve decided to change my name too, and I’m not sure about how to tell my parents. For me it’s not due to a particular person rather than severing that connection to past trauma. They know about the new name already - I started using it at 15 and most of my friends now use it. But I still use my real name for all official stuff and that’s what I want to change.

I definitely won’t expect them to change what they call me, but I’m still worried they’ll be hurt that their only child changed their name. I’m very non-confrontational about everything.

Sorry you’ve had a rubbish Christmas. Hope 2020 is better for you!

Sorry to jump on but how does it work with official stuff? If it’s things where you’d use your birth certificate for ID, do you then just also present your deed poll with it?

Official stuff - When you change your name just get a few certified copies. Send one with your passport, one with your driving license, one to the bank. You'll get them all back. The deed poll service will give you a template letter to send to everything, just change the details/address/company/account number.

I've never had to carry around my deed poll. Usually my passport is my ID, and that's in my name, so no issue.

Just crack on with it. You don't owe anyone anything and can do what you want with your life, your name, anything you want. Stop over thinking it.