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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't bring myself to talk to my husband.

33 replies

staceydoesmagic · 01/01/2020 06:11

We have a 6 month old. Baby is going through a clingy phase, screams a lot and really really fights sleep.

Last night, I was totally overwhelmed trying to get baby to bed. It was 10pm before he eventually settled. I was in tears, and told my husband it had been a long day and I had been looking forward to baby going to bed so I could have half an hour where I didn't have to look after anyone but myself, just for a bit. I told him thinking like that made me feel like a bad mum.

He didn't try and comfort me, he just said "it is a full time thing". So now I feel worse for saying I needed a break.

This morning, I can't look at him without getting upset. AIBU to be annoyed?

(Extra context - my husband works full time, so I do everything at home. He hasn't made dinner since the baby was 2 weeks old. I don't mind, but I wish he'd recognise I need to sit down without a baby attached to me at some point during the day).

OP posts:
Marmalady75 · 01/01/2020 06:24

It’s full on being mum all the time. Be kind to yourself and try to take some time for you. It does get easier, but when they are so young it can be hard to see an end to this. Try to speak to your dh. Tell him that you need some time to be you - not mummy, wife, daughter, sister etc.
My ds was clingy and fought sleep. He was hard work and I think I was so worried about being a “good mum” and being seen as a “good mum” that I put my needs at the bottom of a very big pile. With hindsight I can see that I was running on my nerves, sugar and caffeine.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/01/2020 06:25

Let him know that a full time job isn't the same as being a full time mom, so when he's home he needs to pull his weight as your hours are 24/7 but his are only 9-5 - the selfish git.

MelroseHigginbottom · 01/01/2020 06:34

Agreed with PP. He works what 9-5 and even he gets a break or two. When is your break supposed to be if he expects you to just plod along 24/7?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 01/01/2020 06:34

He's right. Being a num is a full time 24/7 job.

Being a cook and cleaner is not part of the job description. No room for passengers on this bus

Whatnameisgood · 01/01/2020 06:36

Honestly if my H had said that I’d have wanted to hit him. A full time job is much easier than being full time parent with no support. It’s absolutely overwhelming. You definitely need some time in the day to yourself. Make sure you have at least an hour in the day while baby is asleep when you aren’t doing jobs but are just chill g. If that means beans on toast for dinner that’s fine. When you’re feeling less angry try to have a chat with DH. For now, I’d feel as pissed off as you do!

Whatnameisgood · 01/01/2020 06:40

Ps not what you’re posting about but could baby be overtired, hence nightmare to settle?

QuietCrotchgoblins · 01/01/2020 06:44

You sound overwhelmed and in need of rest/ sleep. What better day than new years day for a fresh start? Explain how hard it is to your husband and that you need help. He can take the baby in the evenings or be cooking dinner. Once he is back home from then parenting/ housework is split 50/50.

Better to sort asap so you don't end up worn out and resenting him chronically, especially if you plan on returning to work at some point, you will find yourself doing it all.

Kraai · 01/01/2020 06:50

Came to say what others did. It's not a full time job, because that is 8-10 hours a day. With breaks. And time to shower and dress and leave the house every day, alone. Oh yes, and they're a pay, pension and holidays.

Yours is a 24/7/365 job with no breaks. Even if the baby slept all night never waking up, you're essentially on call all night.

There is no job that expects people to work under those conditions.

So, you work during the day, so does he.

Now, how is he going to take on 50% of the work once he gets home?

You're not unreasonable, you're exhausted, and with reason.

CanIHaveADrink · 01/01/2020 07:06

He is a shit father and a shit partner.
Instead if just shrugging his shoulders, he should have stepped in so you could have a break. He shouod be taking on some of the cooking/cleaning/parenting when he is at home.

As far as i am concerned, he has a full time job out of the house and during that time, you are the sole Carr for the baby. Once he is at home,he is a father and husband and all the work involved in parenting/raising a child/doing the hw shouod be shared 50/50.

TartanMarbled · 01/01/2020 07:16

He handled that badly, I'm sorry xxx

TheTrollFairy · 01/01/2020 07:21

Erm, being a dad is full time too. He doesn’t get to check out of pulling his weight when he’s home because he works!
I agree that the person on leave should be the one to do the night waking (when the other parent has work the next day) but he absolutely has to be helping with the baby once he is home, doing his share of bath, bed, soothing, playing.

Tell your husband to get his shit together or fuck off

Dipsydoodle · 01/01/2020 07:25

Yeah he sounds a bit useless. My DD is 10mo and DH has always taken her every morning at 6am, come rain or shine, till he leaves for work, the minute he comes back in the door, and whenever I want some time to myself. He also does his share of housework, cooking, etc. Your husband needs to step it up.

OfMe · 01/01/2020 07:41

All of the above. He's trying what men of ages past have managed to pull off, and succeeded, but we're on to that shit now. My husband does 50/50 and more when he's at home, (I have a medical condition) and the only thing I have to add to above, is that if he were living on his own, he would need to cook, clean, and do his own washing, so if he's not prepared to help you out with the baby and the housework, maybe you can stop treating him like an extra child and he can do his own?

Dipsydoodle · 01/01/2020 07:42

Presumably he managed to do some housework, cook etc before baby arrived? So why is his life suddenly easier now with a baby than before?!

ElbasAbsentPenis · 01/01/2020 07:51

I don’t know your DH, but I can see how this might have been a clumsy attempt to empathise, to say ‘yeah this is pretty full-on, isn’t it?’ Rather than ‘suck it up, it’s your job as a mother.’

It sounds like you are doing a lot - but also that you have your own ideas that wanting a break from your baby makes you a ‘bad mum’ (it doesn’t! It makes you a normal human being!) and might be looking to your DH for permission to have a break, and he’s not picking this up because you are not being direct enough. Could you spell it out for him?

Try to explain to him how you are feeling - my DH and I got into ruts like this all the time (and our DC is a horrendous sleeper - still doesn’t sleep through at yearly 3) and when I was able to tell him how o felt about some of the things he said he was horrified as he hadn’t meant them at all in the way I had taken them. I also learned I need to tell him I’m taking breaks and plan them proactively rather than asking or waiting for him to offer. Good luck!

Dozer · 01/01/2020 07:53

Your H isn’t doing anywhere near enough parenting and domestic work. Ask him to change that from now on, including night parenting.

It’s not just your job! Your health, wellbeing and caring for the baby is at least as important as his paid work.

user1493413286 · 01/01/2020 07:56

It sounds like he needs a good 12-24 hour block with the baby. My DH said a couple of similar things to me in the past and I’ve told him very sharply that it’s not helpful. Also why are you doing everything during the times he’s at home?

Dozer · 01/01/2020 07:58

“ my husband works full time, so I do everything at home” This is a mistake. Prioritise your health and wellbeing over doing his share and facilitating his life.

“ I don't mind,” You do and SHOULD mind! The current division of labour is very unfair.

Did he do a fair share before you had the baby?

Definitely go back to work: a man who behaves like this is not a safe bet to treat you well if he’s sole earner .

Beautiful3 · 01/01/2020 08:05

Sounds to me that he was actually agreeing with you by saying, yes it's a full time job. If you're too tired to make dinner, tell him it would be nice if he made beans on toast for you both.

Inver38 · 01/01/2020 08:08

IMO him saying it’s a full time thing is an acknowledgement at least.
But don’t go down the route of you and him, ask for help.
Until you are in it you don’t know how it’s going to be, your dh likely wants to help (most do).

We have a 5 year old and at some point in his first year I kind of snapped as I let it all build up, don’t torture yourself, book a treatment if you can (or just a walk) on his next day off, leave baby with dad and go and breathe.

IShitGlitter · 01/01/2020 08:12

Hand him the baby and say am going for a bath or a lie down or whatever you need. Give him a chance to be a parent aswell dont take it all on your self.

OvalCanvas · 01/01/2020 08:35

Work out exactly what you need then tell him. Yes , you dropped the heaviest of hints , but sometimes you need to spell it out.

OvalCanvas · 01/01/2020 08:37

@Beautiful3 , I'm sure he can do better than beans on toast.

Foghead · 01/01/2020 08:44

This isn’t on. You need a break.
What does he do on weekends?
He could look after the baby for a bit while you did whatever you want to. He should do some chores and cooking when he’s at home or spend time with the baby to give you a rest.
Sort this out with him.

diddl · 01/01/2020 08:44

My husband worked full time but he often did bath/bed, always shopped & cooked at the weekend to give me a break from that.

Sometimes when he got in at about 7pm I'd go to bed!

Has he no interest in his son?