To be struggling with someone being murdered in my old house

[RapidRainbow]

I've only lived in 5 houses in my life and one of the houses I lived in has had a woman murdered by her bf. I keep wondering which room it was in and picturing her in different places in the house because I can picture the house clear as day. I know that's morbid but it's how I try to process things I guess.

I know who she was but we never really spoke. I know this is not about me, I'm nothing to do with her or that house now but I can't put my finger on why this is affecting me so deeply just because I lived there once.

One of the men accused/acquitted of Stephen Lawrence’s murder was rehoused in the street I grew up in. That’s not about me either, but I do understand the unsettled feeling you describe. Somewhere that was a safe and happy home to you is tainted. No advice, just a sympathetic hand-hold.

Because you've not thought about the other deaths that occurred in your old houses that you never heard about?

I get it but also it has no impact on you at all. Easier said than done but stop dwelling on it

My dd was murdered in a house we owned, she was found outside.
My nephew and his partner and their new baby live there now.
I have only been back there a couple of times since (4yrs ago). As its upsetting to return to it.

Why does it bother you @RapidRainbow

It’s just a bit close to home, isn’t it.

The last couple of years some tragic things have happened in my town, you can’t help but think, “what if!”

Or even, in your case, knowing the place intimately, just makes you feel connected, even though you don’t know the people well. You have a shared experience. It’s normal, OP, I hope you feel better soon.

There are deaths and deaths, though. If I heard someone had died in a house I had lived in and loved, well, that's sad but normal and natural.

A murder is shocking and unnatural and I, too, would probably be having dark, unbidden thoughts about this poor woman's desperate last moments.

Your memories of the house will always be overlaid to some extent by this violent tragedy.

ParkheadParadise ,thats so awful

A murder is different to other sorts of death. Hearing about someone passing away peacefully in their sleep is obviously not going to affect people in the same way as hearing about someone being murdered.

@ParkheadParadise I am so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter x

@ParkheadParadise

Things happen in houses, some of them bad. I'm sure the people that live in the house I spent most of my childhood in love it. My siblings and I were beaten and sexually abused by our stepfather in that house for years. I'm sure knowing that would sicken them.

ParkheadParadise

Some people seem very affected by this, I can honestly say it wouldn’t bother me. Obviously for parkhead that’s different

There aren’t the words Parkhead. How nice though that there is a family with a baby there. That gives the place some joy.

Op, am I right in understanding that this isn’t the house you live in now?
I understand why this is sticking in your mind.

Could you do something to get rid of the thoughts? To put it to rest in your mind?
Perhaps something like lighting a candle, thinking about her, say a prayer if that works for you, then blow the candle out. Then that’s it, it’s gone, done, finished. She is at peace and you can get on with your life.

Yes this isn’t about you, her death doesn’t affect you, but it clearly is. You don’t need to talk to anyone else about this. Just make it a private ritual for you.

Probably because it's easier to feel that safety of "nothing like that could happen to me or someone I know" when it hasn't touched on a connection to you like this has.

I saw a programme on running a top hotel and apparently it's not unusual to have deaths in hotel rooms, by different means and then be found by the cleaners, it kind of creeped me out and staying in rooms now, it's the first thing to come to mind.

I think you are being ridiculous

It's natural to feel sympathy for anyone who's been murdered like that, while she has a loose connection to you through the house so it's struck you more. It's ok to feel sad that her life was cut short and that your place of happy memories has been tainted by evil. I have a strong feeling for some of the places I've lived too, the residual love for your home has been damaged by this man, but you'll be able to put that aside soon enough. The suggestion of lighting a candle then blowing it out is a good one. Let your mind take some time to process the empathy you feel for her and her family, then say "that's done" and move on.

I hope she can rest in peace and that the years will bring peace back to her loved ones.

I think you are being ridiculous- it is strange to dismiss someone's feelings so casually. A murder is a horrible thing and if it happened in a house I used to live in I think my imagination would run riot. The closer to home something happens the more it tends to affect you.

I don't think it's ridiculous, in fact, it's a perfectly normal reaction if you have an ounce of empathy in you. Could you organize some sort of blessing of the house to cleanse it?

I get it OP

I’ve had several of my old family homes demolished in the last 3 years. Coincidentally. It’s an even stranger feeling to remember every detail about a house that no longer exists. Messes with my brain and emotions, if I let it.

It’s not only bad memories that are affected, all the good and loving ones too. It’s strange looking at photos of rooms that don’t exist in reality.

But in a way it helps me see that without my memories, no building has or retains any ‘vibes’ at all.

I now live in a house built in 1921. I assume someone has died there at some point (given the human propensity for dying). Doesn’t bother me. I get that violent death sparks different emotions, but honestly I feel like any mark I’ve made on a house fades when I leave, and where I live now stamps a strong mark over anything previous to me.

I sleep like a baby, and have no truck with thoughts that lead me unnecessarily down worrying mental pathways.

@Ishotmrburns A very small amount of people die peacefully or quietly. Most of us will go out kicking and screaming just as we came in. Murder is grim but death is grim and painful for the majority.

I would feel the same op.

It's unsettling and that's normal. Constantly picturing it and being deeply affected by it sounds as though that may be going a bit further than normal. I do think you need to be able to move on from it. I would try a CBT technique: every time it comes into your mind, have a specific thing that you consciously start thinking about instead. Pretty soon, you just won't think about it at all.

Homes are seen as 'safe' places, although for many that turns out not to be the case. Sorry for those that haven't found this Maybe a place you had as home (your safe place?) threatens and shakes your sense of security?