To find friendships too hard work?

[gincaketeathatisme]

These last few months I've noticed how drained I'm feeling with some of my friendships.
I work 10hr shifts 6 days out of 10, so my time off is precious and mostly directed towards my family and resting/recovering from long/night shifts.
I can't be doing the constant demand and neediness to be in touch from certain friends. I'm in several group chats and if I'm working a late shift, I can open them up after a shift to find 200 + messages and simply don't have the time to go through them all.
I have no desire to be social, I can't be doing with listening to petty issues and how my sahm friends struggle to look after one child who is at school and also manage all the house work...(bite tongue time). I don't need others for support and I love my own company. AIBU to distance myself from friendship circles for an easier life? I'm actually a nice, up beat person who loves a simple and easy life with no interferences.

I don’t think having friends is for you

Your issues seem to be with group chats, not friendships. Neither are compulsory.

Just leave the group chats and speak to people individually as and when?

Just mute the group chats and dip in/catch up when you feel like it? I don’t feel bad about letting a group chat carry on without my input.

I think you need to wind your neck in.

I’ve just gone back to work full time, dh works full time. Works fucking hard. The house needs sorting. I need to spend time with my kids. I’m missing events. I’m missing watsap messages. I’m out the loop.

BUT I know there are certain friends that if I needed them they would be there in a shot. Those messages I don’t ignore even if I’m stressed out at at work I’ll always reply even if I’m crashing in bed at night.

If you want to be lonely or if these are not your true friends then blow them off.

Otherwise if you think you might need some one - one day - make the effort.

gincaketeathatisme - do you actually have any real friends? By all means stop being patronising and condescending towards your existing “friends” and drop out of their tiresome chats if you want to. Don’t assume being genuinely friendless is what you are really hankering for, though.

My husband points out that my friends seem to be in touch more often when they are needing or wanting something from me, and I have to admit that he was right.

They'll try to convince me that I would benefit from a weekend away for example, but my friend doesn't drive, so I drove, paid for all the fuel, and booked 2 hotel rooms, because I didn't like the idea of sharing personally, but I was never reimbursed...

They're still my friends, but now that I've opened my eyes, I'm less likely to be fooled by them. If I want to go for a day out or a weekend break, I'll decide, I don't need to be told what a great idea it is because it suits them.

Another friend would have me drive to her house practically every night, because she didn't have a partner, and she had 2 kids, (1 with asn). She would get incredibly jealous if I dared to even speak to other friends, and she would lie about being pregnant, and send pics of pregnancy tests she'd lifted straight from Google. (reverse image search is a thing she hadn't thought of)

I pulled myself back a year or two ago, she found a partner, (toxic relationship), fell pregnant, split up, and she now has another child.

Basically in the 2 examples I gave, we're still friends who will WhatsApp etc, but I'm no longer as emotionally invested, nor am I available at the click of their fingers.

Be sure of what you want and what you are doing...

• ProfessionalBoss honestly they are not your friends. My friends don’t treat me like that

You've outgrown them.

With my friends the good bits outweigh any bad. I feel supported and loved by them, and my life is generally enriched by their presence. Collectively we’ve been through marriages/divorces/miscarriages/deaths together and it’s made us closer.
I enjoy my own company too and need a bit of recharging time to myself, but it’s never been one or the other for me.

Maybe a first step would be leaving or muting the group chats, or weeding out people who you don’t see as a true friend. But it might be quite drastic to cut them all out simultaneously.

As above, is it the chat messages that are the problem?

Then dont have friends.

You may not need friends. Not everyone does, or at least not the same friends for their whole lives. I know what you mean about finding other people too much work. I get what I need from a small circle of people and find keeping in touch with others more of a drain than a source of joy.

You don't need to have "friends" just because it's the done thing. But if you want to do something more gradual, you could also simply let people know that you're feeling in need of more family time or down time. Stop feeling guilty for not being at their constant beck and call. Carve out more time for yourself, and maybe you'll find you enjoy the friends more with limited exposure to them.

Maybe you need to do a cull and those whose needs you can't meet can try to move on and find friends who are a better fit.

Sounds like you need to come off whatever platforms are generating 200+ messages.

A bit ironic that you come on social media to validate a decision you've already made for yourself! What does it matter what other people think?

Are you really complaining (bragging!?) about having 'too many friends'...?

You also complain about your 200+ social media messages from them that you don't have time or desire to read/answer, but come on Mumsnet to vent to strangers?

(Are you reading your replies on here......?)

Ignore the rude responses I know EXACTLY what you mean and YANBU

I work full time with 3 kids and I returned to work after maternity leave full time after each one .
With running the house, spending time with the kids, down time and resting after work I dont have the inclination to sit on the phone for 2 hours listening to someone else's relationship woes.
Especially when after recently having been through a tough time myself said person wasnt exactly there for me .

I now prefer to focus my time on my family and myself.

Oh OP 🙌🏻
Welcome to the easy side, we have cake and no drama 👍🏻

What you’re describing isn’t ‘having friends’ it’s ‘belonging to a pack’ and yes there is a VERY big difference regarding dependency and demands on your time.

I’m 27 and outwardly super sociable, certainly not someone anyone would consider ‘doesn’t have friends’ but I do not belong to a single group chat, or have any friends who call/message/want to see me all of the time.
I see my friends roughly once a month, sometimes a bit less and we all have our own lives. If something very good, or bad happens to one of us we all rally around but generally we aren’t needy, dependant or demanding people.

There’s nothing wrong with this!
I used to be ‘in the pack’ I’m taking 15+ group holidays, meeting up several times a week, long calls/constant messaging every night. It wasn’t for me- I didn’t like or enjoy it!

Having friends isnt compulsory, why do you need to ask? If you dont want or need them cut your contact, leave thr groups, job done

There is no shame in not wanting any friends. But as PP have suggested, before you come to that conclusion, do drill down into whether it is the group chats that put you off, of the concept of friends entirely.

So I very rarely interact on group WhatsApps. But I do have about 10-15 good friends who I interact with individually and who I always make time for, as they do for me. I have about 4 friends who are like sisters/brothers to me and who I know I could ring at 3am with an emergency and they would pick up and care. And vice versa.

I was a very lonely teenager, shy and socially awkward, and only really came into my own at university and afterwards. I feel immeasurably lucky to have this support network. But group chat interactions - not for me!

Come off the group chats that are draining.
Also, true friendships are uplifting, not hard work. I am 55 and realise that as you get older, your circles get smaller. As you dont have the energy, or want of superficial friendships. My small group of friends range from a friend I have known my whole 55 years, to a group of 4 ladies (better not use the term girls on here) who I met through a group I attend , none of us knew each other, but we literally gelled so tightly, and that was just over the last 6 years, my other friends fall in between these. But they are all ones I trust and actually love immensely.
Yes, there are others, that through groups, previous work, etc...that I occasionally meet for a coffee with, but if I never saw them again, it wouldn't bother me.
Anyway, cut out of the group chats and really think what friends make you feel good and what friends make you drained and down.....keep and get rid of in that order.

Yeah I’m happy in my own company to be honest and don’t need anybody else, I know that, and there’s no shame in it.
I have loads of friends, a few close ones where I’ll always make the effort, and will respond and support them no matter what. But mainly I stopped trying to please people a long time ago and generally just say no if it’s something I don’t want to do.
On the flip side I have one friend who seemingly can’t spend half an hour by herself and needs constant interaction and reassurance. It’s quite exhausting but everyone is different and that’s ok.

I'm single and childless. I find it depressing the way my friends drifted away as they paired up and had children. Presumably I would be one of the 'needy' people you're talking about.

Just don't expect sympathy and support from your friends if you have relationship problems.

I've never been good in groups, most of my friendships are 1:1 although some do know each other.

It used to bother me a lot when I was younger but I've learned to accept it as I get older and dont really mind now. I'm just not a group person.

People are so rude on here. I suspect there's an element of defensiveness going on.
I get what you mean about group chats. They are fine if you're in them real time and follow the conversation as it happens but there's no point in trying to catch up. I just mute them and skim when I have time.

If certain people are draining then start to distance yourself. I have done this successfully with a couple of old school friends and it's helped my mental state and self esteem a lot to be away from these people. They would constantly go from drama to drama and eventually I realized that my help was expected rather than appreciated - and it was never reciprocated.

Now I am more choosy about my friends and see people I enjoy spending time with.