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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I really the big bad witch

31 replies

MouseDL · 31/12/2019 23:12

So I have 2 DS 9 and 7, DH has DD 11 and DS7 who loves with us 50/50 and share a room at our house as they do at there mums house, my boys also share a room. At mums house DSS has ‘sexually touched’ her partner’s son on 2 known occasions. The first DSS said someone did it to him at school so DH and ex went straight down there, 2nd occasion he admitted he lied and DH ex played it down and swept it away.
I work in a role with a lot of involvement with social care, social workers etc and I know this would be looked into seriously if am incident was reported- I don’t know the other children’s Mums and what her view is. Since second incident I have stated DSS will never share a room with my DS as I refuse to put them in an environment where there could potentially be a risk and he has form for going (aggressively) for my younger. DH made a big deal spoke to me like shit how I was ruining his sons fun they had triple bunk beds and he was excited and I had ruined that and I had no reason, in front of DH parents and all 4 children.
Am I really being out of order and should I ignore this risk however small despite knowing of 2 separate occasions to keep the peace for 2 nights while away

OP posts:

MirriMazDuur · 31/12/2019 23:15

Why don't you report it?

MulticolourMophead · 31/12/2019 23:15

YANBU or out of order.

I don't think you should minimise this. If the DS is aged 7 and has been sexually inappropriate, then where has he learned this from?

paranoidmum2 · 31/12/2019 23:17

YANBU. I would leave DH over this. How dare he speak to you like shit when you're trying to protect your sons. I bet he wouldn't minimise this if it was your son who touched his. Why are you with him?

user1473878824 · 31/12/2019 23:18

I wouldn’t have him sharing a room with my child at all and if DH doesn’t like it he can move out.

bettybattenburg · 31/12/2019 23:18

I work in a role with a lot of involvement with social care, social workers etc and I know this would be looked into seriously if am incident was reported-

In which case you know what you need to do - I don't understand why anybody in a job like yours would have to ask MN what to do

Waveysnail · 31/12/2019 23:19

Why the hell isn't this being taken further? Why isn't this boy being given counselling?

Rollonspringtime2020 · 31/12/2019 23:20

Ime own room is no guarantee of safety. My dc was abused in a house with 5 adults, several dc and not in a bedroom.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2019 23:21

Why haven’t you reported this?

Rollonspringtime2020 · 31/12/2019 23:22

Oh and I rang 999 at my first discovery...

TheLittleBrownFox · 31/12/2019 23:25

You're a social worker. You have all the tools in you'e toolkit already for this.

If it were a client, what would you recommend? You'd tell them to safeguard their own children and to make the referral for the child who was showing age-inappropriate sexual behaviour.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 31/12/2019 23:25

I would be leaving DH over this. Firstly for not giving a shit enough about his child yo to deal with this issue. There could be someone abusing dss or this behaviour left untreated could result in him being a dangerous sex predator.
Secondly for speaking to you in this way in front of multiple people because you do actually give a shit about your children/child.

TheLittleBrownFox · 31/12/2019 23:26

Ok not a social worker yourself but you must understand safeguarding...

Danni12 · 31/12/2019 23:27

This needs reporting to children's social care. So if DSS is only 7 then experts will assume that something has happened to him or he has seen something inappropriate for his age and that therefore he is a victim in some way and will be acting out his victim experiences. This needs reporting to safeguard everyone

Louise91417 · 31/12/2019 23:27

Hell no your not being unreasonable! Lot of sweeping under the carpet going on. This needs to be investigated properly and you need to protect your children. The most important thing here is find out were dss has learnt this behaviour, very worrying and if dh isnt willing to get professional help and get to bottom of this i would find it hard to continue in this relationship. Im sure you are aware due to your working role there is a lot of questions that need answered. You cannot turn a blind eye to this and hope for the best, not only are your children at risk but dss could well be a victim.

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 31/12/2019 23:28

You have a responsibility to report this - in your job you should know this. If your husband doesn’t agree then he isn’t a safe adult to be around your children, IMO. As PP has said, abuse can occur at any time, so not letting the children share a room is not enough. Your step son’s behaviour and risk to others needs to be assessed, and appropriate steps taken. Contact social work out of hours as a matter of urgency - who know what else has been going on.

gamerchick · 31/12/2019 23:29

Safeguarding? I've done it and I'm not involved in SS.

Reporting.

paranoidmum2 · 31/12/2019 23:32

In which case you know what you need to do - I don't understand why anybody in a job like yours would have to ask MN what to do confused

@bettybattenburg maybe because her husband is speaking to her like she is shit and her job doesn't automatically mean she doesn't need support with that.

Thunderclearstheair · 31/12/2019 23:34

There is two issues here.

Something has or is happening to your dss and that needs professional help looking in to it immediately. That child could be at risk

Secondly - the fact that your DH isn’t pushing for that help or isn’t concerned for your children is a major worry.

I’d be quite concerned about the whole situation

bettybattenburg · 31/12/2019 23:36

@bettybattenburg maybe because her husband is speaking to her like she is shit and her job doesn't automatically mean she doesn't need support with that.

The OP is asking if she should ignore it - of course she shouldn't, that goes without saying surely?

Elieza · 31/12/2019 23:39

Perhaps I’m naive but the boy learned this from somebody. Your partner isn’t wanting to investigate it. It therefore points to him either being guilty of the abuse himself or knowing full well who is and not doing anything about it. I don’t know which is worse.

He’s gone to the school about it? Or did you mean he said he did but didn’t? If he went, would they not have done something? If you don’t want to fess up to having told ss could you blame them?

If you heard in a few years time a horrific story about that child, could you live with yourself knowing that you could have stopped it and saved him but didn’t?

Lou898 · 31/12/2019 23:47

My concern would be for DSS in the first instance as sexual touching at that age would trigger alarm bells as he considers this ok particularly as this is not an isolated incident. There is a difference between exploration and inappropriate sexual behaviour. If it is the latter then this is often a sign of being abused. Why has someone not reported or investigated this?
Secondly you would be told to safeguard all children from any chance of further harm until it was considered they were not at risk this could even mean him not stating at all never mind just not in the same room. How can you be sure that something would not occur outside of the bedroom. This is not scaremongering this is a real concern.
Please discuss this with professionals. If you subsequently found that’s DSS was being abused or had been - how would you feel that you had not done anything?

Original poster

MouseDL · 31/12/2019 23:55

I only know what ex told us so details aren’t great. Ex’s partner still has his children there EOW. dH went straight to school following the first occasion had meetings etc but they fight involve SC at all the second time ex phoned a children’s charity who said its normal to touch each other’s genitals and m as my children do it sad I nothing more wax done / said

OP posts:

bumpertobumper · 31/12/2019 23:56

Sometimes however kids do sexual exploration with each other and there has been no abuse or older children showing or teaching them anything.

Depending on what actually happened between dss and the other child, there could be a lot of overreacting here...
a bit of 'doctors and nurses' you show me yours, I'll show you mine type stuff is not that unusual in 7/8/9 year olds and does not necessarily mean anything untoward is going on. Overreacting however could be very shaming for the kids involved.

Thunderclearstheair · 01/01/2020 00:01

He would or should have been told though the first time it wasn’t acceptable.

The boy shouldn’t be shamed be he also needs to learn to the recipient may not actually want it or be confused or worried about it.

mysmidgey · 01/01/2020 08:27

I wouldn't want my kids in the same house never mind bedroom. I can't believe you're risking your dc safety and haven't reported it.

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