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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to play dumb to implied demand

64 replies

8MinutesToSunrise · 31/12/2019 16:43

So I'm off sick and my little boy is with his dad/my ex today. Ex texts saying 'we will be at a+b's this evening'. I guess I'm asking aibu to play dumb and I pretend I don't understand that the translation for his message was 'I demand you pick ds up from my friends (they were our friends but ghosted me when he left) house because I'm having fun'. Why can't he just ask me if I mind. If he'd asked I'd have said sure, no worries. Even though it will be very uncomfortable for me. But the fact he didn't bother to ask just makes me want to stamp my feet! It's just basic politeness isn't it? I always make sure we're home for pick ups unless I've got a very good reason and I've asked him first.

OP posts:

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 31/12/2019 19:04

Have a look round the relationships board. See where being pleasant and helpful gets women with their exes. (Hint: it gets them fucked over)

Heismyopendoor · 31/12/2019 19:10

Did you reply to him?

Original poster

8MinutesToSunrise · 31/12/2019 19:18

I'm just sick of the implied demands. Why can't he just ask straight up? I do normally pick up, and that won't change because I'm sick, I had to practically beg him to drop ds off for more than 2 days after a recent week long hospital admission. I'm happy to do favours if he has the decency to actually ask. I make an effort to make sure we're at home for his pick ups, unless there's a very good reason and I've asked him.

And tonight I have risen above and picked ds up from his friends and been outwardly cheery. Despite him not managing to ask me. I've messaged saying I trust that he'll respect me enough to ask in the future when he wants to change the plans for pick ups.

OP posts:

flowery · 31/12/2019 19:21

”I'm just sick of the implied demands. Why can't he just ask straight up? I do normally pick up....I'm happy to do favours if he has the decency to actually ask.”

I assume there is a big back story, because on the face of it, if the arrangement was that you were picking up, and he was just letting you know where they’d be (somewhere closer and therefore more convenient for you), he doesn’t seem unreasonable and it doesn’t seem like a favour you’d be doing him.

Jeezoh · 31/12/2019 19:24

I’m afraid I’m not really seeing the implied demand, surely he was just telling you where he’d be for you to pickup from? And if it’s closer then it’s easier for you? Hope you feel better soon :-)

MsPepperPotts · 31/12/2019 19:36

....But that's the problem he does not respect you.
You are way down the list of his priorities and that is not going to ever change really.
Sorry OP he's not going to all of a sudden become this really really thoughtful person.
You need to give your head a wobble and work on your own self esteem then you won't come across as being such a push over.

RandomMoth · 31/12/2019 19:41

I'm really not seeing what the ex has done here that is so wrong. He's let OP know, in advance, that she can pick up from a closer location. What's wrong with this?

Yes he could have phrased things more politely, but if OP is sending the messages she's described she's hardly covering herself in glory either. Just sounds like she's making a mountain out of a molehill.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 31/12/2019 19:44

How was he demanding anything? He was just telling you where to collect your DS from, as they would not be at home. I don’t get it, what has he done wrong?

Original poster

8MinutesToSunrise · 31/12/2019 19:47

I probably am being a bit unreasonable and maybe I needed to hear it. It's probably a camel and straw situation. I just think if you're going to change plans to suit yourself it's polite to ask the other person, rather than assume. And it definitely was to suit himself, his friends house is a couple of minutes closer.

OP posts:

Original poster

8MinutesToSunrise · 31/12/2019 19:50

Not camel and straw, it certainly didn't break my back. It was just bloody annoying. And I'm sure I found it more annoying because of everything else going on.

OP posts:

FatherB · 31/12/2019 19:54

Originally I thought you weren't due to pick up, and he demanded you pick up instead of him dropping off. Which means he is definitely being unreasonable.

However, now it looks like you were due to pick up anyway and he just let you know that they were at a location, one that was actually slightly more convenient?

It sounds like you just didn't want to see the mutual friends that ditched you when the relationship ended? whatever the reason I don't understand how he was unreasonable and his messages seemed pretty polite in fairness. Not overly so, but given the context they weren't outwardly demanding or offensive? I'm just a little confused, I feel like I must have misunderstood something.

Heismyopendoor · 31/12/2019 20:22

If you usually pick up then I’m afraid I don’t really see the problem?

aroundtheworldyet · 31/12/2019 20:24

You did the right thing. But perhaps you need to have a conversation going forward that you’re all working towards the same goal so give and take is needed.
In future, don’t beg for favours. Just do what he does.

CareBear50 · 01/01/2020 07:38

I don't think your exdP did anything wrong.

So you were due to pick your son up. Your DP made it clear that the pick up point had moved to a closer location to you.

How is this unreasonable? Pick your battles.

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