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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with people assuming 3rd pregnancy people was unplanned?

33 replies

Worriedmum97 · 31/12/2019 14:25

Im 33yo and pregnant with 3rd, took us 2+ years to get pregnant this time with lots of drugs, medical interventions, laparoscopy, etc. We are a dual career family (both work full time), our 2 DCs go to private schools, we can get them on holidays few times a year. Why would our relatives and close friends when we tell them about a new baby arriving soon the first question we get is whether it was an accident. Did you have the same with baby 3+? Or is it just us? We are from an Eastern European-ish country and all our relatives still live there and our closest friends are from there, so maybe that is just the cultural thing?

OP posts:
Tink2007 · 31/12/2019 14:26

It’s the most annoying and offensive question in the world; I was asked this with both my DDs and I fully expect to be asked when people find out we are expecting our 3rd baby.

MelroseHigginbottom · 31/12/2019 14:29

The first thing my dad said when I announced I was expecting our 2nd was, 'Planned?'. I felt so insulted. Granted our baby 1 is still very young but I want to get the baby years out of the way sooner rather than later.

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 31/12/2019 14:32

I always wonder why people feel the need to ask if it was planned for any children. Do I ask about your family planning choices? 🙄

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 31/12/2019 14:32

I had three in under three years. My smile became increasingly fixed as I was asked if our TV was broken for the umpteenth time.

Oddly, when I was pregnant with no. 4 after a three year gap, nobody made any comments.

Smile and nod, OP. It’s none of their business, but it’s not worth getting upset over.

elliejjtiny · 31/12/2019 14:33

Some people think it's ok to make all kinds of personal comments when you have a baby. We had a few asking if our babies were planned and someone offered their condolences when our 3rd was a 3rd boy.

Original poster
Worriedmum97 · 31/12/2019 14:37

We have 4 year gaps between kids (mostly due to the fact that it takes me ages to get pregnant) all conceived after we were married, so it’s not like we have no idea what contraception means.

OP posts:
FreedomfromPE · 31/12/2019 14:42

Yes, we get it a bit. From family. There is a "big gap" I was in my 40s. Third child is with second husband too. So I get that bit, perhaps I would understand from someone I had recently met.
The only people rude enough to assume things about our family planning KNEW about the losses we had after our wedding. Also my mother is still furious at me for having a child in my 40s but that's a whole different issue.

FreedomfromPE · 31/12/2019 14:44

It seems odd to me that after we'd had losses they would think I'd accidentally fall pregnant. But then again I suspect this is all tied in to my mum and her blaming me/ my age for the losses so maybe with her going on so much they thought we'd stopped trying.

keepingbees · 31/12/2019 14:48

I don't recall getting asked it very much if at all. What really wound me up was the constant "so is this your last?" throughout the pregnancy and from the moment I had her. Wish people would mind their own bloody business.

WisteriaPurple · 31/12/2019 14:53

I suspect some people find it difficult to understand why you would choose to bring a 3rd human into the world when the planet is suffering from overpopulation already. 2 children replaces you and your husband, fair enough, but why was it necessary to have another?
This thread might enlighten you OP www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3781359-having-babies-despite-the-state-of-the-world

Original poster
Worriedmum97 · 31/12/2019 14:55

@FreedomfromPE sorry to hear about your losses, must have been a very stressful time for you. I lost 2 pregnancies earlier this year (though very early ones) so can relate somewhat.

OP posts:
Anon234 · 31/12/2019 15:05

Yup. We had it loads. Even more annoying were the people who insisted on asking whether we were hoping for a DS this time (we already had 2 DDs) or now our 3rd DD is here, whether we will keep trying until we have a boy...

JKScot4 · 31/12/2019 15:07

When I say I have 3 DD and 1DS, people say oh we’re you trying for a boy? No because he’s not the youngest and mind your own bloody business.
Tell them to not be so rude and keep their opinion to themselves.

JKScot4 · 31/12/2019 15:07
  • were not we’re
FreedomfromPE · 31/12/2019 15:07

@WisteriaPurple your post is asssumptive of monogamy and coupledom. My 3 children can claim 5 parents in their now mid forties to mid fifties. None of us have other children than that with no intentions of more. I have no fucks to give that we as a family are contributing to over population. And I'm not about to suggest someone else is. The general trend is for a reducing birth rate in the UK. Going aggressively at a family than is bigger than fits your lifestyle won't save the planet. Birth control lessons in school are a better focus.
Also we don't have pets, but I don't see anyone talking about the environmental impacts thereof.

FreedomfromPE · 31/12/2019 15:10

@Worriedmum97 thanks. But with our rainbow we have moved past the stress and onto wistful regret and memories. My sympathies Flowers

FreedomfromPE · 31/12/2019 15:11

Sorry. That probably sounded blunt. I hope you're in an OK place @Worriedmum97

Straycatstrut · 31/12/2019 15:27

You just don't ask this, ever!

I was asked this from my parents both flipping times. No one ever seemed pleased for us, or asked how I was during pregnancy (suffering massively, and this made it worse).

Then , of course they want first dibs on the newborn.

TickTockBaby · 31/12/2019 15:35

Currently pregnant with number 2. And was asked this by my own parents both times. Honestly it makes me furious!

I have no idea why anyone thinks it's an appropriate question. 🤬

MazDazzle · 31/12/2019 15:39

Same here!

Everyone asked if it was planned, or in a stage whisper asked if it was an accident.

It annoyed me even more when they said ‘You’ll be hoping for a boy then!’ because we already had two girls.

Daftodil · 31/12/2019 21:43

I'm pregnant with number 2 and I've had the following responses from people:

"Planned?" [Yes, ttc for a year beforehand]

"Are you... happy about that?" (with head tilt). [Yes, I'm nearly 40 and trying for a long while]

"Can you afford that?" [If I can't are you gonna write me a cheque? 🤔]

Whatever happened to a simple "Congratulations!"?!

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2019 21:45

We are a dual career family (both work full time), our 2 DCs go to private schools, we can get them on holidays few times a year.

Huh? What's that got to do with the price of fish? Confused

BritWifeinUSA · 31/12/2019 21:52

It’s frustrating, I’m sure. But it’s not hurtful or upsetting like childless-not-by-choice couples (like us) face with the constant questions. At first it was “so, you’re waiting a bit to have children, are you?” Then when people found out we were having fertility treatments “any news yet? Have you tried this/that?” And the constant “it’ll happen when you least expect it” and the awful “I know someone who...” all from people who have no idea what it’s like.

Sceptre86 · 31/12/2019 22:14

I got asked this as there is a 15 month age gap between dd and ds. No he wasn't planned but is the best unexpected gift I have ever received and yes a 'congratulations' would have been sufficient. That was my response for numpties who asked me, still not sure why anyone would care.

oblada · 31/12/2019 22:21

Well nobody has ever asked me that... but I suppose if they did I'd say that the child was planned... not a major issue. It's your family, not theirs.
As for the PP going on about the environmental impact - LOL as if that really has any true impact on people's decision to have/not have a child.