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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hidden message in Christmas and birthdays presents?

37 replies

Annie58 · 31/12/2019 12:56

Not sure if I am over thinking things so would appreciate some of your thoughts. In a nutshell, my Christmas present from long-term partner / boyfriend was a book. We had pre-agreed a low budget so no problem there. The choice of book was fine, but when I opened it he had written a message to say how much he had enjoyed reading the book and that he hoped I would enjoy it too. I know, 100%, that he had bought it for me, but had read ‘my’ copy before gifting it. I feel that the book is not so special as it is now second-hand (Ps. I buy used books so don’t have an issue with them, but this somehow feels different).
My birthday present was a new model tablet to replace the one that I already have. He had told me that he was going to buy this, and I said that I didn’t need it (my other still works ok). I also said that if I bought a new one it would be the smaller version, and so that it would fit in my bag. On my birthday I got what he said he was going to buy. Three days later my teenage son remarked that I hadn’t set up the new device. I asked him if he knew why. He said that it was probably because I didn’t want it. He added that: “too be fair Mum, you did say that that you didn’t want or need it - I was there when you said it’.
I don’t feel particularly joyful at the moment. I’m wondering if there is a hidden message somewhere. Years ago, he bought me one book for Christmas, except it was one of the four books that he had bought me the Christmas before. Ie. A repeat present. He felt guilty and bought me something else. Id picked up red flags then - I found out six years later (after being invited to look through his computer) that there was someone else on the scene at that time. He had let me look through his computer because I had long suspected something, wouldn’t let it go, and he stupidly thought I wouldn’t search back that far (his thing with her had ended shortly after that Christmas).
Not really looking forward to spending New Year’s Eve with him. But would appreciate some honest comments and if you think that I’m too sensitive - please say.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 31/12/2019 13:01

Gifts aside: are you happy?

Spacerader · 31/12/2019 13:03

I dont think there are any hidden meanings in the presents, I think you are just not happy in your relationship so you find issue in everything.

You need to leave him if you ain't happy or sit and have an adult conversation if you want to make it better

Original poster
Annie58 · 31/12/2019 13:05

I don’t know. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. He is very supportive practically. Very, very supportive and generous though and has made many changes to be a better partner

OP posts:
brassbrass · 31/12/2019 13:07

Forget the presents you are unhappy in this relationship.

Original poster
Annie58 · 31/12/2019 13:09

Have just read your comments. Thank you. I think you are both right. I should have left when I found out the truth two years ago. I had been lied to for a long time. I guess it is still there bubbling away under the surface.

Thank you again

OP posts:
ALLMYSmellySocks · 31/12/2019 13:11

The tablet thing would be a bit irritating since it's an expensive purchase and you'd specifically said you didn't want it. I'd have asked for the receipt and put the money towards the one I actually wanted.

I kind of get the book thing too he should have let you read it first, that said I really wouldn't read too much into it I think perhaps your past experience has made you extra sensitive (understandably).

Fr0g · 31/12/2019 13:12

TBH, I've bought myself books then realised I already have a copy in the "to read" pile.
If I but a book as a gift, would not read the whole thing, but may flip through (prob cookery books rather than novels).

You found out some time ago that he'd had an affair six years previous to that - sounds as if your hacked off about that - or something else, rather than the gifts.

Think about what you really want for yourself, rather than dwelling on the small stuff.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 31/12/2019 13:12

Oh sorry I just read that your bad experience was with the same guy! So he has form for cheating?!

midnightmisssuki · 31/12/2019 13:14

dump him, you clearly dont want to be with him and are just looking for 'hidden messages; in presents - basically anything to show you a sign it's over. You dont need one - you have one already, you aren't happy anymore.

Original poster
Annie58 · 31/12/2019 13:15

Yes, it is the same man. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear

OP posts:
Upsiedasie · 31/12/2019 13:18

I don’t think YABU but I think you’re reading more into the presents than necessary because you aren’t happy with him.

You should make 2020 the year you do something about it.

Original poster
Annie58 · 31/12/2019 13:32

Thank you everyone. You are right, I am not happy in this relationship and I never will be. Not now. I guess that I needed someone to tell me in black and white. A few of you have voted that I am being unreasonable, and I get why. I should have left two years ago after I found out that I had been repeatedly been lied to. I only found out the truth because I thought I was going mad and asked to see his laptop. Had I not done that, he would never have told me the whole truth. I did know about her but was always told that “ she is a friend - and why couldn’t he have friends?” To be fair, he has made many changes, and she is not part of his circle anymore, but I just don’t see a future with him. Knowing that, and writing a post like this does make me unreasonable, and I would like to be a better person than that.

Thank you again, and happy new year to you all.

OP posts:
Mycatwontstopstaring · 31/12/2019 13:32

A major sign of a relationship coming towards its end is when one or both partners stop respecting the other. You’re upset about the gifts because they feel disrespectful. Getting you something you specifically said you didn’t want is ignoring your feelings (and words) and is not respectful. Reading your new book is using your present before you’ve had a chance to use it - the respectful thing to do would either be to buy his own copy or wait for you to read it first then read it.

As you think it over / talk to him, maybe reflect on the extent to which you do or not feel treated with respect. Is he just a terrible listener/ awful at present buying? Or is there a theme here that he just doesn’t respect you?

(I’d have ended it when he cheated.)

bringincrazyback · 31/12/2019 13:33

I don't think the presents carry any hidden message (apart from men being weird and random at gifting, lol) but you do sound like you'd be happier without him.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 31/12/2019 13:34

I gave a friend a book I had read the other year, but only as a supplementary present, not main gift.

If you have read the book before gifting it, is is your ‘leftovers’ rather than a new present for someone else.

This is true no matter how careful you are with the pages; you can always tell.

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 13:35

A book is the exception to a regift being a bit sloppy to a partner.

I would think that he enjoyed it and wants you to enjoy it too. I'd see that as a shared experience.

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 13:36

He cheated?

Oh just forget him in 2020. Move on and don't force yourself to try and forgive him.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 31/12/2019 13:37

Nothing wrong with a partner passing on a book they have enjoyed! But wrapping it up and calling it a gift? No.

Straycatstrut · 31/12/2019 13:37

I think partners buying each other Christmas gifts is a bit weird. I mean it comes out of your joint income doesn't it (usually?), then comes with stress of what to buy, hope and expectation even if you claim not to be bothered (as proved with this post), and ends in disappointment.

Me & Ex never got each other stuff and then would go out for a meal/football game instead.

My parents just buy their own presents, no wrapping or anything. It's just all a bit daft. But I'm one of the "wrapped gifts should be for the kids" kind of people. Everything else just feels embarrassing and awkward, tons of hastily wrapped giftsets that folk really don't care about.

sonjadog · 31/12/2019 13:39

I think that if you were happy in the relationship, the points about these presents would either not register with you or they wouldn't matter. That they do, is a sign that you aren't happy with him.

Arthritica · 31/12/2019 13:42

Massively missing the point of the thread, but if someone pre-read the copy of a book they were giving me as a gift they'd owe me a new book.

Pre-reading a book gift is plain wrong.

Straycatstrut · 31/12/2019 13:43

Nothing wrong with a partner passing on a book they have enjoyed! But wrapping it up and calling it a gift? No.

Yeah that makes sense. It should be YOU loaning it to him after.

BlouseAndSkirt · 31/12/2019 13:45

Did he actually cheat 6 years ago?

Anyway, you are not happy. You don’t needed coded messages in presents, real or imagined, to give yourself permission to end the relationship.

AuntieDolly · 31/12/2019 13:48

How long had you been together when there was someone else on the scene?

ScrimshawTheSecond · 31/12/2019 13:49

I dont think there are any hidden meanings in the presents, I think you are just not happy in your relationship.

Agree, I'm afraid, OP.

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