Hidden message in Christmas and birthdays presents?

[Annie58]

Not sure if I am over thinking things so would appreciate some of your thoughts. In a nutshell, my Christmas present from long-term partner / boyfriend was a book. We had pre-agreed a low budget so no problem there. The choice of book was fine, but when I opened it he had written a message to say how much he had enjoyed reading the book and that he hoped I would enjoy it too. I know, 100%, that he had bought it for me, but had read ‘my’ copy before gifting it. I feel that the book is not so special as it is now second-hand (Ps. I buy used books so don’t have an issue with them, but this somehow feels different).
My birthday present was a new model tablet to replace the one that I already have. He had told me that he was going to buy this, and I said that I didn’t need it (my other still works ok). I also said that if I bought a new one it would be the smaller version, and so that it would fit in my bag. On my birthday I got what he said he was going to buy. Three days later my teenage son remarked that I hadn’t set up the new device. I asked him if he knew why. He said that it was probably because I didn’t want it. He added that: “too be fair Mum, you did say that that you didn’t want or need it - I was there when you said it’.
I don’t feel particularly joyful at the moment. I’m wondering if there is a hidden message somewhere. Years ago, he bought me one book for Christmas, except it was one of the four books that he had bought me the Christmas before. Ie. A repeat present. He felt guilty and bought me something else. Id picked up red flags then - I found out six years later (after being invited to look through his computer) that there was someone else on the scene at that time. He had let me look through his computer because I had long suspected something, wouldn’t let it go, and he stupidly thought I wouldn’t search back that far (his thing with her had ended shortly after that Christmas).
Not really looking forward to spending New Year’s Eve with him. But would appreciate some honest comments and if you think that I’m too sensitive - please say.

Yes he did. He was meeting up with her in more than friend sense a few weeks into our relationship. He claims that nothing physical happened but accepts that it was cheating as I was deliberately kept away from her ( and vice versa) and because he would contact her first ( before me) if he went away etc. They often went out in a foursome. In the end he realised that I was the better person. However, a few days ago, she came up in the conversation for some professional reason - I can raise her name without being emotional nowadays - and he mentioned what a terrible mistake she would have been if he had entered a full and exclusive relationship with her and why that was. I was unemotional about it - I didn’t feel flattered. Someone above mentioned the word ‘respect’ and when I found out about the other woman it was a word that I used over and over again. And that’s why I wondered if the presents had a hidden meaning. But I accept that they very likely didn’t after the responses - I think it’s just his character.

Before anyone asks - his ‘friendship’ - as I say he agrees that it was cheating and lied to me because he guessed that it would be a dealbreaker - went on for about three years. After I found out (three years later) I no longer knew what was what.
Shona - yes, you are right - I forced myself to forgive him and try to move on. I was wrong to do that. If I could turn the clock back - I would not do that again. Tomorrow is 2020 - the first day of the rest of my life.

You shouldn't just assume your bf has read the copy he gave you! I often gift a new copy of a much-beloved book to a friend.

Thanks Jaxhog - but he told me that - that’s how I knew

Did he have two women on the go for three years?

I wish you all the best for the new year Annie, whatever you decide to do.

There is no benefit at all in staying in a barely-adequate relationship, OP. Bin this man and move on. Being single is much, much better than being in anything but a truly life-enhancing relationship, no matter what the media might tell you. Women don't need men anything like a much as men need women.

What kind of moron buys someone the same damn book two years in a row? and he's cheated on you?

Ew- why are you staying with him. He sounds vile and I'm sure you could do better than that. Dump this fool and his crappy presents and use the new year to make a fresh new start!

OP, I agree with other posters - this doesn’t sound like a happy relationship.

I think you are right to feel uneasy about your presents. To me, it feels very controlling - getting you the tablet he thought you should have, rather than the one you wanted; buying you a book, then letting you know he has read that actual copy (rather than seeking out a book he has read before and enjoyed, in order to give you something he thinks you would enjoy as well). Horrible behaviours, and again, as a pp has pointed out, very disrespectful.

I hope 2020 can be a year where you move on and find peace and happiness - that sounds trite, but I think they will go hand in hand. I know they did for me, once I finally ended a similarly lacking in respect relationship - so much of my daily turmoil and unrest just melted away, and I think it was because I had finally stopped trying to even out the cognitive dissonance between what was happening in front of my eyes (general lack of respect, checking out of family duties, totally treating me as less than a person) and what he said was happening (he loved me, he was just busy, excuse after excuse for why he was failing to measure up in any way, and so on)

I had this with an ex regarding presents, he would buy me what I'd asked for but make sure it didn't have the features I needed. For example a camera, laptop, watch. I'd specifically asked for a large faced watch I could easily read at a glance in work (healthcare), he presented me with a tiny faced, elegant evening bracelet watch. It's so passive aggressive as you can't complain, you look ungrateful to others & it's another black mark & he plays the victim. He did it with everything, even my own family thought he was placid laid back, easy going & I was frustrated beyond belief. So anything I said looked angry. Took me years to sort out my mental health after his mindfucking for 7 years.

Thank goodness
L

The repeated gift...the used gift...the unwanted gift.

The gifts are a reflection of his disregard and his sense of entitlement. He felt entitled to lie, cheat, and parade around with OW for 3 years. The book repeat showed that he was not prioritizing you. The recent gifts show his appalling intrusion over your boundaries with his ‘cutting in line’ to read your book first and his rejection of your choice of tablet.

As others have said, he is still behaving disrespectfully. You know that he is capable of great deception and betrayal. I would have to walk away. You deserve so much better.