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Original poster

Weirdness around Christmas 'helping'

67 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:26

I was staying at the in laws over Christmas and got confused over this and wondered if others could help.

MIL kept telling me just to sit down at breakfast and then commented 'oh she is sitting waiting for her breakfast'. I had offered to help her and with the dishes and did do quite a bit over the time there.

She doesn't comment on DH and the DC 'sitting there' and it feels a bit like a jibe.

Also, she then commented that DH was 'like a waiter' as he asked if I wanted coffee and brought me some. But I would feel a bit odd going off to get coffee in their house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:27

Also I should mention in the MILs and with his SILs it is usually the women rushing around looking after everyone and they never seem to sit down and relax.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2019 10:29

She sounds like my mil. Whatever you had done would have been wrong.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2019 10:31

I think she’s confused herself. She thinks the women should be rushing round but wants you to be waited on as the guest. This would frustrate me no end. Next time, ask her would she rather you helped or sat,, because she’s sending you mixed messages.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 31/12/2019 10:32

She wants you to be in the wrong. You can't win, unfortunately.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:33

I do ask and get told, no it is fine you just have a seat. But then I think she resents this and needs to comment on it. It just makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable

OP posts:
LisaSimpsonsbff · 31/12/2019 10:34

I agree you can't win, so just sit down and have a break!

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2019 10:34

Don’t feel guilty. Be annoyed that she’s behaving like that.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:35

And also a bit annoyed she doesn't do the same to DH and my sons. I don't want them to think it is just women to look after everyone

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 31/12/2019 10:36

Next time she says it, remind her - loudly - that you have offered to help.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2019 10:38

I’d respond “I offered to help and you said no. I thought you would have wanted me to respect that rather than ignoring your wishes.” See what she says then.

Iloveacurry · 31/12/2019 10:39

Does your DH pick up on it? I’d just say back to her, I can’t win can I?

midnightmisssuki · 31/12/2019 10:41

passive aggressive bullshit from her. Making you sit and then she looks like she's running around after you so she looks like a martyr. I would call her out on it.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:41

It's a bit of a dig at DH too, saying he is 'like a waiter'. I don't ever see the women being told they are 'like a waitress'. I might just shrug and say yes, how kind he is and how lucky I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:43

They seem to define themselves by 'serving' and 'cooking' I don't get it and didn't have any of it growing up. Bit sad really

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2019 10:43

I might just shrug and say yes, how kind he is and how lucky I am.

Don’t, because she’s wanting that sort of reaction. I’d either ignore it or just say “he offered”.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:45

I just gave a kind of confused look and ignored it.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 31/12/2019 10:45

Call her out on it every time. Or, just say once that you always offer to help and she always refuses your help,and then shut off the guilt and enjoy being waited on and watching her run around like a blue added fly. Or, just get up and muck in with what she is doing. Nah, take the second option OP

joystir59 · 31/12/2019 10:45

Arsed not added

joystir59 · 31/12/2019 10:46

Just ignore her bullshit op

FinallyHere · 31/12/2019 10:46

it is usually the women rushing around looking after everyone and they never seem to sit down and relax.

Call me a mind reader, but this did not surprise me. Glad to read that your DH has your back, offering coffee etc.

So long as you and DH are on the same page, you can afford to ignore batshit MiL. If you ever also have a DD, watch out for expectations from her.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:49

I sometimes also ask my boys to help give a hand, "Granny might need some help' kind of thing. To show they can be asked too

OP posts:
WeeDangerousSpike · 31/12/2019 10:49

It wasn't a dig at DH. It was another dig at you, because she thinks he shouldn't be getting things for you, because that's women's work. And his penis will fall off. Obviously.

She doesn't say women are 'like waitresses' because she thinks running round like a twat fetching and carrying for men is normal and unremarkable.

Just point out she's told you to sit, so you are. Perhaps add that if she would prefer some help she should accept it when it's offered instead of refusing and martyring herself for effect.

I probably wouldn't use those words Grin although riling me up before I've had breakfast is not the cleverest idea...

AnnaMagnani · 31/12/2019 10:52

I suspect she's confused. You are a guest so should sit down. But you are a woman so should be helping.

Result - you can't win so she makes PA digs at you.

Get your DH to sort it out.

BibblyBobbly · 31/12/2019 10:55

Sounds like my MIL, likes being the martyr and particularly 'picks' on me to display this martyrdom. But if I help she gets very territorial and snappy. I can't win.

Now I just ignore her. I've developed a thick skin for it after 12 yrs!

daisychain01 · 31/12/2019 10:57

If you "call her out on it every time" you'll end up having constant confrontation. If your MILs mindset is to always around finding fault, trying to convince her otherwise is a hiding to nothing.

I'm very much of the "ignore the batshit", literally blank it, change the subject or steer it towards the positive. The less you react the better.

I'd have been tempted to be a bit wicked and click my fingers at DH "over here, Waiter, and bring the biccies with you!"

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