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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weirdness around Christmas 'helping'

67 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 10:26

I was staying at the in laws over Christmas and got confused over this and wondered if others could help.

MIL kept telling me just to sit down at breakfast and then commented 'oh she is sitting waiting for her breakfast'. I had offered to help her and with the dishes and did do quite a bit over the time there.

She doesn't comment on DH and the DC 'sitting there' and it feels a bit like a jibe.

Also, she then commented that DH was 'like a waiter' as he asked if I wanted coffee and brought me some. But I would feel a bit odd going off to get coffee in their house.

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/12/2019 12:57

At the waiter comment I would have done the whip crack 'WTCHHH!!' noise out loud

Khione · 31/12/2019 12:58

I'm one of 7 and Mum brought us all up to help (except youngest brother who was totally spoilt).

The boys did more 'manly' jobs such as fire making and peeling potatoes and us girls did dusting and tidying.

BUT
Once all married she was horrified that 'her' boys were expected to pull their weight at home although they still never cleaned bathrooms or anything like that.

When we had a big Christmas together. I was a single parent and also working full time but was still expected to muck in with the food prep etc with the women and the men were expected to sit around and have a break as they worked so hard.

PollyPocketLucyLocket · 31/12/2019 13:05

I would have replied along the lines of 'oh, you should have said yes when I offered. What needs doing? Clearing the table? Perfect. Boys, you take the condiments and cutlery, I'll wipe the table down. DH, would you mind taking the plates through to kitchen?'

My MIL is like this. I do get on well with her, however it is a bad habit of hers. that and shouting

powershowerforanhour · 31/12/2019 13:18

There's a certain sort of woman who has spent her life running around after men and can't bear seeing other women not doing it and still having a husband, children, etc -because it shows you don't have to.

Interesting. I'll bet there is something in that, especially where my own mother is concerned.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2019 13:26

I might just shrug and say yes, how kind he is and how lucky I am

I wouldnt do this, it just reinforces the exceptionalism of a man doing anything around the house.

My MiL was like this, you can't change years of conditioning but you can reinforce to your boys that its DGM who is unusual, not their DF.

As a DGP foible its something you have to live with, but whenever there was a suggestion that the girls did the house work whilst the boys did the more exciting outdoor stuff I used to intervene fairly firmly.

My FiL expected a round of applause on the odd occasion he did discover how to use a vacuum cleaner. My DF could and would do anything around the house. My kids were quick to pick up the difference and we were clear on which model they should be following.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 13:59

I also in general get on well with her so it is not a general 'dislike' problem. I think it is slight envy. She has told me growing up, DH was loads better than his sisters at helping and maybe she misses that. FIL is a total misogynist and DH said he always swore he would be different. Interestingly the SILs have both also gone on to marry the same kinds of men and take on the fussing role also.

OP posts:

coconuttelegraph · 31/12/2019 14:06

As an adult I'd either use my words and call her out on it or ignore it.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 31/12/2019 14:57

Going to just ignore it in future. Don't want to get into arguments at times which should be nice such as a Christmas breakfast.

OP posts:

Thatagain · 31/12/2019 15:14

After catering 3 times for my older children grandchildren and my dp perents and siblings it's hard work. I don't like people going in and out of my kitchen as it's so small. I've done xmas dinner for family for 17 years and not one person has said they will do it instead. I think you should invite your Mil to your's next Christmas and let her sit there feeling uncomfortable. It might even be a nice change for her.

LovePoppy · 31/12/2019 15:51

She likely wants you to ignore her “sit down” and muck in with the other women like you should.

Then she wants to complain that you didn’t just sit still.

You’ll never win

tillytrotter1 · 31/12/2019 17:16

I don't know how old you MIL is but there was certainly a generation of women who considered it appalling for a man to help domestically. When she was at our house I told her to go a sit down and talk to my mother, they were of the same generation but she said to my mother 'Oh we weren't brought up to sit around, were we' my mother's response was 'I'm happy to sit here and not get in the way'!
When she had been to dinner at my parents' house she thought it was awful that Dad dealt with the debris that was the washing up but that was what they always did after a large family meal.

tillytrotter1 · 31/12/2019 17:21

the men were expected to sit around and have a break as they worked so hard.

Oh I used to get that, 'Don't disturb Daddy he's been working hard' to which my reply was 'Yes because Mummy's being sitting on her arse all year'.
Even when we told her that I was expecting her first grandchild, we lived abroad, her first words were 'How will you manage his meals when you're in hospital'!

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/12/2019 17:21

She sounds like a cheeky bitch.

DamsonDress · 31/12/2019 17:26

I might assume - rightly or wrongly - it was a crap attempt at humour. And would respond with humour.

Even if it wasn't an attempt at humour I would bat back with a, "Absolutely, (I'm sitting here waiting for my breakfast/coffee/whatever) Its all hands on deck in our house. Everyone mucks in. Even the menfolk. Wouldn't do to be raising thaveless, useless men now would it, Barbara. Ha ha ha."

I prefer to have a bit of fun rather than seethe when someone is being a tool tbh.

HearMeSnore · 01/01/2020 00:58

Next time your DH does something nice for you and she feels the need to compare him to a waiter or such like, maybe you could pretend it's a compliment and respond accordingly with something like,

"I know, he is ever so attentive isn't he? I guess he must get that from you?"

KatherineJaneway · 01/01/2020 10:13

One theory is she wants you to help, even take over, but can't say that out loud. So when she tells you to sit down, she doesn't actually mean it. She wants you to say 'I can't sit down while you are getting breakfast, here let me help'.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 01/01/2020 12:46

Well she needs to say if she wants help and not make PA comments. We are also invited for a meal after Christmas and I asked if could make anything and bring it, bit was repeatedly told no, I think it is like they define themselves by it and all the praise they get after by their husbands. It is all a bit weird, comments about how they have been cooking all day and the like.

OP posts:

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