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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's not unreasonable for my ex to collect from school 2 afternoons per week

31 replies

Chociefish · 30/12/2019 22:38

I've been having a heated text discussion with my ex tonight that I don't think it's unreasonable for him to collect his dc from school 2 afternoons per week. He finishes work at 3.30 for a half of the year and I don't think it's too much to ask for him to collect them on the nights he would normally have them for tea.

To give this some background he doesn't have a life or death job and has ample opportunity to make up the half hour yet he he refuses.

We split over a year ago for lots of reasons but one of these reasons was the lack of effort he put into me and the dc. In his eyes work came first end of.

I regularly have to push him to see his dc. I work as well and in my book family home first. Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
ElluesPichulobu · 30/12/2019 22:40

yanbu he is wanting to assert his convenient uselessness in order to avoid any uncomfortable responsibility.

WorraLiberty · 30/12/2019 22:41

Who normally collects him on the nights he has them over for tea?

WorraLiberty · 30/12/2019 22:42

And stop pushing him to have his children. That's not your responsibility.

Love51 · 30/12/2019 22:50

A friend of mine was in a similar situation. One evening a week the ex has the children, but sometimes he'd ring and say he couldn't. That night was the night she had arranged to work a very long day. The first couple of times he tried to cancel they had some hard conversations, but she refused to back down, or book after school club for him. Now he knows if he can't pick up on 'his' night he has to book them into childcare himself, and pay for it. This seems to be happening a lot less often now, apparently, now their mum isn't picking up his slack, he gets on with it.

Clearly you have ended up in a situation where you are doing pick up, and then he's picking them up from you. It is unclear what this arrangement is (whether between yourselves or court ordered). Not unreasonable to change it, but presumably you would have to get his agreement?

Youseethethingis · 30/12/2019 23:00

He’s an idiot. My DH would love to be allowed to pick up DSD from school and give her her tea but his ex has her over scheduled up to to her eyeballs with clubs and won’t allow it. The times he has picked her up, at end of term or if she’s ill (his job is more flexible than ex so he is usually the one to pick up) he says it’s great as he gets to hear about what’s going on in her life from the horses mouth in real time. Even picking up at 6pm EOFriday the moment has passed and she’s “not sure” what she’s been doing at school and “can’t remember” a thing Confused
Your ex is a very foolish man and I can see why he’s now your ex.

Original poster
Chociefish · 31/12/2019 08:26

Between March and November he finishes work earlier and can pick up but for the darkest months he finishes work at 3.30. Until the split it was just the unwritten rule that I did everything to do with the children as I worked part time. (he's from old fashioned farming stock where as I'm the second generation out of this).
I'm expected to collect and deliver to his house unless he says he can collect. I always check with him if he can so the dc know what's happening (youngest is ASC and routine really helps).
I do a 12 mile round trip to pick up where as he passes the school to get home and works less than 10 mins away. Last night he got my back up with the whole I can't leave work 20 mins early you'll have to collect them then hang about at my house until I get home to hand over.
If I have to do this I might as well bring them home.
If I do this he just plays the victim and tells his dc I won't let him see them.
There has been an awful lot of this going on with his venomous mother drip feeding poison at him and now my children. I feel as stuck and controlled by his passive aggression as I was for the years I was with him!

OP posts:
SimonJT · 31/12/2019 08:30

If it’s his evening to have the children he should either collect them from school or arrange for childcare until he can collect them.

If he wants his children to have a good relationship with him then he need to facilitate that.

Original poster
Chociefish · 31/12/2019 08:31

Worraliberty, it's not the first time I've been told this but if I don't push he'll just slip back and play the victim.
How do I explain this to the dc with minimal damage. All suggestions on this gratefully received.

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/12/2019 08:38

“ I'm expected to“ doesn’t mean you have to.

Would tell him that he should pick them up on days he has them for tea, or arrange after school care. If he sees them less because he prefers not to, that’s sad for them - unless he shapes up they will suss out that he’s an inadequate father at some point anyway.

Would tell the DC the truth, that when parents live separately they should share arrangements for parenting and school pick up; unfortunately dad doesn’t wish to do the pick up (or - if true - have them over on X or Y day anymore) and you don’t think it’s fair on you to do all the driving.

Dozer · 31/12/2019 08:39

What do you mean “slip back and play the victim”?

TheReef · 31/12/2019 08:46

Why are you running round for him op?

If he's not prepared to be flexible with HIS OWN dc then that's up to him. You can't force him to do anything.

I'd simply text him back and say something along the lines of 'you can have the dc on XYZ days, you collect from my house and drop them back at X times. If you're not here at that time then I'll take them out myself and you will have missed that opportunity to see them, you can see them on your next allotted day' if he doesn't turn up then that's his look out. Explain to the dc that this is the arrangement you've made, and if he doesn't turn up then that's up to Daddy.

I'm all for never slagging off the other parent in front of the dc, but I certainly won't cover for them if they decide to be a shit parent. That's not my job.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 31/12/2019 08:51

How old are the kids? Could they cope with an age-appropriate discussion about the situation?

Also it might be time to formalise a child arrangements order that sets out when/where/who has the kids

SuperMumTum · 31/12/2019 08:55

Sounds like you need to go down a more formal route. He wont change his attitude and personality, the kids and you will be dancing to his tune for years.

BaolFan · 31/12/2019 09:01

That's nuts.

He collects the kids on the days he wants to see them, or he'll need to come to yours to collect them - end of conversation.

If he is not prepared to do either then that's his loss. Explain to the kids that Dad is busy but hopefully he'll be able to see them soon.

JacquesHammer · 31/12/2019 09:03

YANBU - of course he should either collect his children or arrange childcare.

I would be flexible in an emergency but the onus should be on him.

ShouldI101 · 31/12/2019 09:04

What do you think would actually happen if you said "I won't be collecting the children on your days, I will be at work. They need collecting at 3.15."

Do you think he would call your bluff and not collect them? Would the school call him on those days if you told them he was responsible or would they just call you anyway?

ohprettybaby · 31/12/2019 09:09

My neighbour was in a similar position so did all the pick ups from school and her ex then picked the DC up from her home. The next day he dropped them off at school. Can you not do this arrangement?

Would you rather have him have someone else pick them up , maybe a stranger to you, and look after them for just half an hour? Don't you want familiarity and routine, especially for the DC with ASC?

Alternatively what is wrong with doing as he suggested, especially if it's only 10 minutes from the school? I can't understand why you think it would be better not to do that but to take the DC back to yours, 12 miles away. It sounds to me as if you are just angry with him still and aren't thinking of what is best for your DC.

It isn't compulsory to have animosity around child access arrangements when marriages breakdown.

JacquesHammer · 31/12/2019 09:10

It isn't compulsory to have animosity around child access arrangements when marriages breakdown

Come on women, be “kind” so your ex-husband can be amicable.

Original poster
Chociefish · 31/12/2019 09:12

Dozer, by play the victim I mean he will quite happily tell the children that I am stopping him see them.
When we told my eldest we were splitting up he sat there and said "this is what mummy wants". I was furious and corrected him by saying that under the circumstances that love was lost and I had no option.

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/12/2019 09:12

It’s not OP who’s being unreasonable here. It wouldn’t necessarily be putting the DC first or benefit them to prioritise the preferences of a “facilitated man” (who she’s no longer living with) who has failings as a father over OP’s paid work and other aspects of her and the DCs’ life.

ColaFreezePop · 31/12/2019 09:19

OP until your children are teens simple say that's not true and you will understand everything when you are an adult. Then change the subject.

Once your children are teens particularly older ones they will realise which parent is reliable, that it was both your duty to do things, whether both parents stepped up and which parent was trying to use them.

crosspelican · 31/12/2019 09:28

If his mother is so keen to drive a wedge between everybody around her, why doesn’t she pick the kids up on those days?

If they are his days, then organising this is no longer “wife work” (he lost that privilege when he drove you away) - it’s his own admin to sort out. It shouldn’t be beyond normal mental capacity to find some way of having his children collected from school and brought home 30 mins before he finishes work.

Original poster
Chociefish · 31/12/2019 09:29

Jaqueshammer and ohprettybaby.
I have been more than amicable with my ex.
Angry is a bit strong, I went through all that a year before the split, mostly anger at myself for not being stronger and leaving sooner. I would say now it's more a feeling of exasperation.
I should also add that we were never married, he dangled that carrot for years and even made me cancel the first wedding and registry office as it was all changing to quickly(5years together).

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 31/12/2019 09:33

Chociefish

I think you misunderstood me. My response was to the usual tripe spouted on these threads that expect you to bend over backwards to accommodate the ex-partner in the name of amicability.

As I said in my first post YANBU to expect him to do his share.

Lllot5 · 31/12/2019 09:33

Tell him he picks them up or doesn’t see them.
If he is going to be a prick just up the ante.
If he doesn’t see them he can’t tell them anything.
Fuck him.

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